DRII Qualifying Exam - Passed!

Dear Foong Yen Ho,

I am very pleased to inform you that you have achieved a passing score on the DRI International Qualifying Examination that you took in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia on December 9, 2011. On behalf of the Commission at DRI International, I extend our sincere congratulations on your achievement......

Ray Seid
Commission Chair

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, the rest is.....a brighter future ahead. It's not fully confirmed that I will certainly have better career, but at least I look forward to it.

Career (ok ok career is SALARY) aside. I'd like to praise myself a little bit. It's personal achievement. It was difficult test. It felt like bullet through my heart. It was difficult. Really. So I feel good about myself. I should be happy and feel proud of myself.

I am thankful for all who laid their positive (and nice!) thoughts for me throughout. I am also very sure Guardian Angels have been staying with me, even at the ugliest time. Thanks. Thanks.

It was lust!

Most of my cravings are lust. Yes, they are just plain unreasonable lust....

I must have a very straight forward childhood. I have all basic necessities. I may even have more icing on my piece of cake compared to other kids. But that wasn't enough to spoil me. I was thought to stand tall with dignity on my feet, and earn things that I want to have. Obstacles I may have too few, because I usually get things I want, or strive to have. That's why...I always thought I get things when I deliberately ask nicely to have it.

This the reason I don't know why there are certain things I don't get in life. Like...recognition. Dad taught me, there must be a reason for everything to happen as it is. That's call gravity, but it's also life as it is. So, I don't get it when people say No to me. Which part of Yes don't they understand, here?

I am just like that annoying kid screaming on my decaying lungs wanting daddy to buy me that colorful lollipop hanging on the shelf. I have no idea how that sticky candy will taste like. I may not even like the taste of it after all. But I just feel I want to have that candy. Because deep in my head, I think I deserve that candy. I think I'd be happier once I have it. That's all....That is all....Why can't I?

But now...I didn't have that infamous candy...No matter how I tried my best...I didn't have it. I have been thinking nuts why...but I just let the opportunity passes me by.

If I have the chance again. If you will hear me say again. If you will believe my sincerity once more. I love you, lollipop!

But like I said...this is lust. Not love. I still don't understand how does a lollipop taste like. That's why. I may not even need that lollipop. It's ok, yen...this will pass. Take deep breather. It's lust. Not love.

I was a student again!

What a week ~ I was terribly nervous, stressed out and almost KO-ed. I couldn't foresee that taking a professional course (at this age I'm at) is speechlessly tiring. Of course I have been working for almost 10 years now, but preparing to study, revise and be assessed on paper is a different story altogether. No wonder people say "Easy to crap, difficult to prove" Gawd knows if I was a crapper. I'm sure most will say I was. And...therefore, yea I am a crapper.

So, I've put through that torturing days at BCLE2000 Professional Course for Business Continuity Management. I did my best, and I'm suppose to say I have no regrets. Hmmm...regrets I do have a few..but they doesn't matter anymore now.

I was scheduled to take this course at the end of year 2011. I hope this is a gift, a happy gift I receive before the year ends. If all well ends well, at least there's something to be proud of no matter how difficult the year had begun.

I really should have done this at a younger age. I regret I didn't see the importance of ...erm ... thinking ahead. I was too busy looking too far ahead, and that shaped me to be an...imaginary person. Ding Dong! Time to wake up, dino!! You got to know the purposes of life, somehow. And be certified is one of it, at least for this year.

So, what's up next year, huh?

my December 2011

I wish I'm at Makati City in a blink of eye. Blink..Blink..Blink..Blink..Blink.....Ok I am still here. Sadistic.

December was the best month I had at Makati. I miss the Symphony of Dancing Lights at Ayala Triangle. I so wanting to hear a Xmas Carols by kids and adults alike at malls now. I want to stroll the street at night with cool breeze brushing my skin, accompanied by colorful bright lights decorated at buildings or any corner of the street they can find place to set-up. I want to joke and guess if the shadowing figure up-front the quiet street is a real man or Jesus statue. I want to be there at Makati this December, so much more than any other month.

I wish, but I know how slim the chances are happening. I can't go.

I have a personal aim to accomplish next Monday. I want to go study again, and I want to try my best and get that gawd damn certification. I want to, like I've always wanted to be Associate Business Continuity Professional (ABCP) Certified. I hope I can, I will try to be. Om Ah Ra Pa Tsa Na Dhi. May I be bestowed with wisdom and mind clarity to pass this assessment.

Therefore, I don't think it is good time to dream yet. Life has it's time for reality, and this coming week definitely requires it. I have the blessing. All I gotta do is make it happen.

last day of November 2011

So fast it's Wednesday already. And now, the end of Wednesday is fast approaching. There goes the last day of November 2011. Tomorrow will be the last month in 2011. Then gawd knows what happens next year...I wish you can hear me sigh now..~~~~~~

Daddy must be getting ready to board the flight to Japan. I'm happy for him. He always wanted to visit Japan; with Mom in fact. But no one knows what Mom must be thinking. She just refused, irregardless. But I'm convinced that they are both old enough (yes, very old indeed) to decide where and when to go places. I just wish a safe and enjoyable journey to Daddy, and may Guardian Angels be with him all the time. Miss you, Daddy...and come home in pinky health soon. Don't forget my Issey Miyake!

My mindfulness have been quite bad lately. I couldn't recall some of those things that matters to me. I always find myself writing notes on pieces of paper. Or using MyNote at htc to help me remember better. Like moment ago, I was searching high and low for my laptop adaptor. Gawd knows where was it. Downstairs, under the aquarium. I must have left it there when I used the laptop at the living room last ..... week. Yes, I forgot matters that just happened a week ago. And I'm not even 30 yet. Not so soon, at least.

Let's talk about age. I have been thinking what 30 should mean to me, personally. I don't know, I couldn't find a clue. Everythings seems to be changing each day, but I don't feel time flies. People around me still positively (and somehow unpleasant at times) impacting my living the same ol' way they did ten years back. I am still ME...except for a few fine lines erupting from the corner of my eyes. But am counting my blessing as I have accumulated those smiling lines too. I have been good. Not too bad. And that's it!?!? That's my 30 years passed? What about buying my own home and move out? What about get tie the knot like how most of friends my age does? Or what not...experience the wonders (and joys?) of pregnancy? Uh-Uhhh...No ...Hold me back. My imagination is sucking me to a grey anatomy deep in my mind.

If things are meant to be, it will eventually happen. At 30, I am no longer asking 'why'. I'd rather contemplate 'how'. Now I need a man whom can lead me to accomplish the 'how' direction. Why a man? I don't know and I never ask.

what the (hell) week !!

Saturday. Morning. I woke much earlier than I usually do in weekends. Dad and Mom happily waited for me to have breakfast together, and I was already planning what to have while brushing teeth. I drove them out heading to Mama Love Pork Noodles. Yeah, a name too cool for a pork noodle shop ehh. I was waiting for my turn to exit the T junction like usual. I even told Dad that I find most drivers very stupid because they like to speed and give their own car a loud thud crossing the bump. All because they refuse to give way to cars (like me) exiting the junction. And the next thing I know, my car got hit. Real bad. And the rest, I hope is history. The experience at the police station was dreadful, not to mention it was such bad luck to meet a moronic 'runner' of insurance claims.

Sunday. Whole day. Was moodless. No positive aura at all. Not anywhere. Not anything right had yet happen to me.

Monday. At work. I have never met any idiot so acting smart in an organization at all. I hate internal auditors. Especially those dumb and brain-like-asparagus internal auditors.

Tuesday. Medical attention needed. Awfully needed. Chest congestion. Stiffness from my neck, shoulder and under arms. Went to see the panel doctor. Wasn't very attentive, she was even lazy to examine what is really wrong with me and diagnosed - ribs inflammatory. What the H?

Wednesday, Thursday. Still at work. The asparagus brain cells in the auditor's head are growing mushrooms. They become more idiotic everyday. Can't beat their stupidity. When you can't fight them, join them. Let them be. My daddy is not a German, and he definitely don't own the Company. Who cares if Allianz can't survive a disaster after all. I am not the only person affected. If the auditors don't get paid, they can eat their (mushrooms/asparagus) brains out!

Friday. My battery is ... showing red light. Blinking red light. I need to rest. I am truly madly deeply in 'pain'. My chest is painful. My muscles are tight. My heart is broken. My cheating heart....is not broken. I was just hopeless and seriously demotivated. About my passion towards BCM, handled by a bunch of sogged asparagus-like mushroom heads. Auditors' heads to be precise. So, all these lame jokes had resulted to a sick body taking MC. I need some breakaway.

That was such a week. I don;t know what lies ahead. But, if rainbow really exist, please show me some sunshine soon. Cos, it seems like it is still drizzling here.

Health Report Card

There's so much to tell from a few drops of blood for a pathologist. I feel so naked, bare-all and transparent to a pathologist. I imagine him (okay, I imagined the pathologist is a hunk) studying the micro cells in my body...and in blink of eye then able to produce a report revealing if I have been good to my body or not -- in this gawd damn 29 years. He can tell me what sort of damage I have done to my organs because I ignored the facts of nourishment it always needed. He can also guessed correctly if I have been a naughty girl intoxicating myself unnecessarily over the years. He knows my body injuries by analyzing the weak bone structures and over-stressed muscles from prolonged lack of exercises. I am so very extremely see-through now.

This make me feel like waiting for my year end exam report card in school. The teacher with weird looking spectacle frame looked me into my brown eyes and said "Foong Yen, you have not been revising, didn't you...". Geez..chill right down to spine!

Apart from the academic test, career KPI, achievement scores....I just forgot that there's the health report card too. Health and Money. Which is important? Money. Because without money, how do you ensure that you sleep right, eat right and live right? Ever seen a homeless with pinky cheek and tip-top health? But...you've got all the money you can make within shortest notice, and tomorrow you are almost dead. What's the point then?

Everyone got only 24 hours with them. It's how you segregate your time, attention and thoughtfulness that makes you a real person. A real, living person.

Dino-ism!

Love makes you look forward to everyday, every moment.

It was an amazing week. About 9 days to be precise. I looked forward to everyday. Eventhough I had pulled through boring hours at work, but at least I know there will be someone waiting for me at that zebra crossing.

That night at LCCT feels just like last night. Then, all the rush and tardiness of travelling south were filled with lots of joy and laughter...amidst some moronic Taiwanese whom were bunking in. Then...by the time we are back to Central, gosh...we were so sick that it cost us 2 days of hangover. But it was still worthwhile. Like I told you, I don't feel tired at all even when I was at work on Thursday and Friday. Because I had you. Just you, and I don't need anything more special occasion. Maybe the travelling really drowned us a lot, and so fast it's Saturday...and today. And tonight, you are leaving again.

Of course I will miss you. I was staring blankly at the walls of my bedroom...thinking. Damn, coming days..weeks...months must be so boring! I must find some agenda to feel like real again! If not, gawd knows I lived life like a plastic. But but but...I don't think I am foolish enough to ask you to stay. Eventhough I know it will be good to have you near me...but reality is the ultimatum reason.

At some time in life, you will know that eventhough you love a person, you don't need to keep him in your life all the time.

it's mutual hatred, naturally

It's been so many years..almost a decade by now. I still think all of you are stinky hypocrites, you still think I'm acting distance. Like i always remind myself, why should I go that extra mile to please someone not worth the patience. I could still remember what happened at this home when all of you plotted the same to hurt me. That wound will never heal. It aggravates me the same when i hear or meet anyone named Grace. Just the same way it reminds me of how i should hate all of you.

I cannot tell you why i didnt give up even until now. Maybe just a barbaric side of me proving to all of you that I'd stay to continue haunt you, and make you think again how to hurt me again with another hideous plan you have. Another Mary, Jane or Sally, maybe? Why not you try, cos that is another way of proving it is right and ok that I feel disgusted.

Now, do or say..it sounds more appropriate if it is called complain. Yes, go ahead and discuss among yourself how bad a girl I am, how u don't like me comparing to that girl. How difficult it is to have me around. Bla bla bla.

Thank you. I am immune because all of you gave me such good lesson learned. It's either you continue to hate me or let's bring on the game. I am no longer as fragile as i used to be. Wish all of you peaceof mind, and shall happiness prevails

so much love for Selina and Diong

It's princess Selina and Ah Diong wedding today. For this, princess S releases a song to all for the very first time after the freaky accident. The song 任家萱 Selina – 谢谢你们 爱我的每个人.....a very beautiful song just like her.

At this moment, I think God must have also spent a little more time on her. She's bestowed with boundless entertainment talent paired with world's greates BFFs and soulmate Hebe and Ella. Then she's got great dad and mom, eventhough her sister do sometimes acta little weird when I see her on tv.

And girls must be so green in jealousy when Diong confesses love at the concert.....it felt like real fairytale comes true. But boompphh...our (fans) world gone dark and gloomy about the accident. Many gone fiery and cursed the director and other movie crews for neglected safety measures. I was neutral, eventhough it's painful to know she's put to such test.

But admist any aggravating endeavor, God was just trying to prove to us how real love should exist, and who is the lucky one to savor it. And He had chosen Selina among so many others.

We no longer complain or resent now. In fact, we are more than happy to see her in wedding gown, getting married, Something we know Selina loved to do most once in a lifetime. As for me, it is most touching to know people are happy for you, and knowing there are thousands out there loving you is such great bonus. So yes, God must have spent more time on her. Metta.




痛 在 眼 中 变 成 泪 在 心 中 变 成 灰
tòng zài yǎn zhōng biàn chéng lèi zài xīn zhōng biàn chéng huī
没 有 什 麽 能 安 慰
méi yǒu shén me néng ān wèi
怕 被 时 间 变 成 累 被 想 像 变 成 悲
pà bèi shí jiān biàn chéng lèi bèi xiǎng xiàng biàn chéng bēi
希 望 都 被 粉 碎
xī wàng dōu bèi fěn suì

不 安 有 时 会 崩 溃 有 时 会 怨 怼
bù ān yǒu shí huì bēng kuì yǒu shí huì yuàn duì
好 像 怎 麽 对 待 都 不 对
hǎo xiàng zěn me duì dài dōu bú duì
看 得 出 你 隐 藏 多 少 的 疲 惫
kàn dé chū nǐ yǐn cáng duō shǎo de pí bèi
却 还 是 坚 持 着 爱 不 断 加 倍
què hái shì jiān chí zhe ài bú duàn jiā bèi
让 我 感 动 也 让 我 愧 对
ràng wǒ gǎn dòng yě ràng wǒ kuì duì

谢 谢 你 们 爱 我 的 每 个 人
xiè xiè nǐ men ài wǒ de měi gè rén
在 我 的 人 生 最 像 一 场 恶 梦 的 旅 程
zài wǒ de rén shēng zuì xiàng yì chǎng è mèng de lǚ chéng
陪 我 挣 脱 勇 敢 地 去 醒 来
péi wǒ zhèng tuō yóng gǎn dì qù xǐng lái
当 我 的 护 卫 为 我 祷 告 心 灵 更 强 韧
dāng wǒ de hù wèi wéi wǒ dǎo gào xīn líng gèng qiáng rèn

谢 谢 你 们 爱 我 的 每 个 人
xiè xiè nǐ men ài wǒ de měi gè rén
让 我 努 力 後 可 以 谢 谢 自 己 很 坦 诚
ràng wǒ nǔ lì hòu ké yǐ xiè xiè zì jǐ hěn tǎn chéng
会 想 不 通 或 绝 望 到 躲 开
huì xiǎng bù tōng huò jué wàng dào duǒ kāi
但 你 们 做 的 总 让 我 想 坚 强 负 责 任 为 了 爱 重 生
dàn nǐ men zuò de zǒng ràng wǒ xiǎng jiān qiáng fù zé rèn wèi le ài chóng shēng

心 摆 脱 夜 的 黑 往 蓝 天 而 飞 被 阳 光 包 围
xīn bǎi tuō yè de hēi wǎng lán tiān ér fēi bèi yáng guāng bāo wéi
只 为 了 你 一 句 我 笑 得 好 美
zhǐ wèi le nǐ yí jù wǒ xiào dé hǎo měi
我 忍 住 了 太 漫 长 的 泪
wǒ rěn zhù le tài màn cháng de lèi

看 得 出 你 隐 藏 多 少 的 疲 惫
kàn dé chū nǐ yǐn cáng duō shǎo de pí bèi
却 还 是 坚 持 着 爱 不 断 地 加 倍
què hái shì jiān chí zhe ài bú duàn dì jiā bèi
让 我 感 动 也 让 我 愧 对
ràng wǒ gǎn dòng yě ràng wǒ kuì duì

~bla bla bla...real crapz

Here comes the rainy season...and thunder storms too! The word 'khatulistiwa' keeps repeating in my mind right now. It must be some word I learned in Geography class monkey years ago. I forgot what it defines, but it must mean something like hot, humid and fair amount of rain throughout the years. And that fair number of rain probabilities, it might just be happening right now.

How's life? SAME. No extraordinary surprises. But no news is good news. I just gotta stick to it. Feet firmly on da ground! Jeezus, like I can fly !?!?

November soon. Look forward to my trip to the south with my loved one. And then see many more loved ones there. My loved one and my many Manila buddies there, to be precise. It's Kok Sheng's and Jess wedding, and I'd love to go to Melaka/Muar and maybe JB/Singapore right then. Whatever it is, hope it will be an enjoying one. Yayyy...away from home again! Short happiness is better than no happiness.

Then...should be awaiting for December to come soon. If I can enrol and pass the DRI examination, and certified myself a ABCP or CBCP, that would be my proudest achievement in 2011. After which, I can wrap the year with much confidence and satisfaction. I still think I will. I still believe I can. Thinking and believing is better than zero brain activity. I'd be certified a zombie if I do.

Yea! Not to wrap things up yet, 2011. I still have a Bangkok Xmas trip to look forward to. First Xmas with Mom Dad abroad. Thai Green Curry with Duck Meat. Pineapple Fried Rice topped with crunchy Cashew. Red Hot Tom Yum Gong. Deep Fried Oyster Thai-style. Sticky Mango!. Fresh Coconut Juice. Stomach's Growling now. No, that's not a dish name. It's making me hungry. And I'd love to make my parents happy, if this is real happiness to them. But Dad would certainly give me the big smile during the exclusive night cruise.

Do something is better than do nothing. You know it best, when you do nothing at all....

drowned in a messy mind

I have no idea how to be collective again. Thoughts are scattered like broken pieces of glass. It all started when......I don't have the courage to continue this bravery anymore. I am so stuck in a tangible resentment, full of doubtful "why" echoing in my restless soul. I don't find my attachment with AZ amusing. Like the chinese says, a pail of cold water immersing over my burning motivation. And then those indescribable senses about love, too! I've lost all controls of coordination between speech, attitude and actions. My brain says go ahead, but my face soured with zipped lips. I am such a turn-off and no matter how I blame it on raging hormones, I know something is so not right. And then family. I am suffocated with confusion because I keep on doubting if I am really needed to be home at all. I don't think my SuperParent really need me as much as I used to think, but I want to feel useful at the same time. As much as that, I am struggling with lack of personal spaces at home. Even my room is pressuring me. And let's not start talking about other details of my daily condiments yet. It may sound more like a failed recipe for life, and I don't want to affect your appetite here. Anyhow, I don't know which factor influenced me most. I've gotta start finding hidden objects in my cerebral cortex now...

Lost in my mind-map

What a day! and what an October I'm gonna have this 2011...!

I've got such adverse mood this month. This is just coming into the 6th day of the month, and I am already KO-ed by most of the people..matters and situations. I am tired.

I am now working in a very...messy organization. Not that the arrangements are messy. The way people work...are all tangled up. Way too many weirdos, procrastinators, hypocrites and MORONS. yes! Morons. Like Dad says, morons are everywhere and they are assembling at AZ. I've been so restless at work, so messed up that I worked my ass off. And the pain in my ass is transmitting to my head. Gawd damn headache. I hate this situation. If not for BCM, hell I would stay!

I am also imagining things (again, like I usually do). I am imagining him. Words that he would say, gestures when he react, and those sweeter moments we used to have. I have been building images from my right brain so much, that at times I forgot who am I really thinking about. Stop pulling your own leg, yen. There are things that's not meant to be, no matter how much you think about everyday.

I want to leave home. When I try to define home, I don't see faces I love to see each day. I just picture it as a square box with a roof top. And a dog. Like those 'orang lidi' cartoon kids love to draw. Other than that...I look forward to blue skies somewhere out there. Like the "M" shape birds (in kid's drawings) flying (without legs)...like freedom in an exquisite way. Like, I am writing and activating my right brain now.

Jeezus...I am tired. I can fall asleep now. Time to switch off my brain GPS! No matter how tricky, LIFE goes on, baby!

I've got so.. "Drifted" away

I know what people say about car drifting. I know there would be (at least) a car, cute hunks and sexy babes. And blasting music that could deafen your ears but clear vision guaranteed. I know Fast & Furious. I know Initial D....I know I know...

But have I drifted? Noooo way...! I don't play games on the road. I can opt for Bungee Jump. I can have a roller coaster non stop. Or extreme reverse bungee...sounds good sounds good....but car DRIFT? urrghhh...

Ok, the car I was travelling in skidded, almost plunged (of course it didn't, I said ALMOST) it was so near. I don't know what happened, seriously. The car just lost control, and the next second I'm seeing cars coming right in front of me. No no no...it was not a two-way traffic. I see car coming forward because my car had made a nice 360 degrees turn. That, I call DRIFT....

I had mild traumatic concussion. Like I always will. I had headache, stiff neck and shoulder and nausea. Great. I survived!

I should count my blessing. Guardian Angel must have protected me in that split moment. Or did I just cheated death..? =S

I don't know. Too much to think. It was freaky, but LIFE goes on.

Bon Voyage, sweetie...

So, Dad and Mom are travelling miles to Australia now. A family trip consists of bags...Eldest Aunty, Fourth Aunty, Fifth Aunty, Cousin's family. Yea, don't sound very enticing for hot blood adults like me. I don't find a farm getaway fascinating. I'm not thrilled to see cows, or kangaroos or koala. Well, koala maybe. But not anything other than this fury huggies.

Of course, I'd prayed for their happy and safe journey along the way. Hope they all coordinate well there, and wish Daddy would enjoy himself too. He sorta complaint about this holiday, citing he's lazy to drive around at Perth. Ya...bags don't drive. But too late....he's gotta take it for Mom's sake.

Lucky I'd planned for another trip specially tailored for him end of this year. A trip so chillaxing that only food and lots of massages comes to mind. Yes, Bangkok! Ok ok...I cannot afford an Aussie's package, but at least I made Dad excited with a simple yet meaningful Asia sensation.

But anyway...I'm missing them now. It's good to have them nagging me about not nagging me enough....and I want my gift from Australia !!!!!!! I will look forward to 21st October 2011 so that I can nag them about missing them nagging me.

Love you, bags.

There's no heaven above, not even Hell below

We were all talking about India at the dining hall last night. only Dad had the (unlucky) chance to visit India for a couple of times. Me and Carol were just having hear-says from friends and colleagues.

Dad said India is definitely not a pleasant country to visit. Not only there are the (infamous) slums area, and even the slums are obnoxious people. Dad's colleague ignored a kid's plea for shoe polishing service, and the kid returned a disgraceful act by throwing dungs to his pants. On a separate occasion, another kid (hmmm....also a slum) called Dad a bloody bastard because Dad refused to buy postcards from him. I don't know. Maybe they think they are poor enough (and are slums) to turn their anger to humiliate tourists.

Nevertheless, I know, and can feel their pain and sufferings too. Who wants to be born slum, called slum, and die as slum? Seriously, I don't know how this word 'slum' come about. I don't mean any disrespect or poking fun for writing this word repeatedly here. But, what other better word to address them, and even they made a movie calling themselves slum dogs?!?!?

Well, those are not the main points. I was mostly disheartened by the indescribable misery and torment they go through each day. I'd wonder if 24 hours feels like forever to them. They sleep on dirty mud, drinks cow's pee, salvaging food from rubbish dumps, slaughter pigs that feed on shit (to get pork)...OK I am losing my mind at this stage. O am thinking, there must be something very very wrong they had done in past life to be reborn at such state. Dad even convinces me that if there would be no after-world, India is just the right place to call a living hell. Real hell, you don't need to die knowing how it looks or feels like. Just get yourself a one way ticket to India.

Whether karma and reincarnation sounds inducing, you make your call.

September's Grinch

Try to remember, the kind of September..
When life was slow, and oh so mellow
Try to remember, the kind of September..
When grass was green and grain was yellow

Try to remember, when life was so tender..
That no one wept except the willow
Try to remember, when life was so tender..
When dreams was kept beside your pillow


And so it seems, life is supposed to be mellow....and slow...and soft music plays....WAIT A SEC..TODAY IS FRIDAY already!?!?!? Jesus! that's the end of a week long Merdeka Raya holidays! #%@$#^*@ ! and who from hell promised TGIF??

I can't believe it. This can't be true. I didn't rest enough. I didn't laugh enough. I didn't sleep enough!!!! Now, gimme back my 120 hours. Playback time please...........?????

I don't want to enter the realm of September yet. I would be very very busy and I need more time to be prepared in preparing to be busy. I am not ready emotionally, physically, technically, religiously and whatever fucking word that rhyme with it.

Can I throw some tantrums like a small kid now? I want lollipop, not tabletop. I want real people, not hypocrite. I want a real man, not a boyfriend. Hahs! Jolin said that, not me! I can't do sommesault gymnastics or have 32D cup! *wink*

I don't care. I don't live to work myself to death! Hear this, boring zombie? Get a life eventhough you do look like a dead one *phewwwiitttt...*

Princess Selina 任家萱

31st October 2011.

Happy Birthday, Selina. Happy Wedding, Selina. God must have spent a little more time on you, and you deserve His love. You are truly our 公主!

Her accident during filming was truly unexpected and heart wrenching. But that incident have proved something warming to her, and to all of us. True TLC does exists, fairy tale does happen. Princess Selina has found her Prince Richard Chong (张承中).

He proposed at SHE concert. He didn't take any step backward after the accident. He didn't give up despite the burnt marks that will leave permanent scars on her. He didn't mind a single hassle having to put up with Princess's crying, pessimism, mood swings, and I don't know what other hell had brought her into. Only he knows, and he knows she is the one. And this coming October, they are making a lovely tale come true.

Selina deserves all this. A fruitful result out of pure perseverance. Here's a few picture of that magical journey...



The love they have kept secretly within their strongest faith...the making of true happiness....



He proposed! He called her 老婆 for the first time, forever..



L.O.V.E



The accident. That almost changed her whole life.



Princess Selina, on her Vera Wang

Pang Yau!

It was ages ago since I last saw her! I couldn't recall when was the last time we were hanging out together. In fact, we did hang out and it was oh-so-fun!

See...this gal went to Jacky Cheung concert with me. If that was not cool enough, we went to mountain people mountain sea watching English boy-band 911 at Sunway Pyramid. And that was 10 years ago. Yes, a century ago. Gosh, 10 f**king years!!

Ho Chieh Ern! Pang Yau! That's how we addressed each other. And we still do today. I would call her full name, and she would call me Ho 'Pung' Yen. And we both like to call Jules as Lee 'Ham' Peng. and then we giggle together. Jesus, so much to write. If I were to continue, how long would this page be.

Oh yeah yeah...this is classic. We used to boil telephone porridge for more than 3 hours after school, just chatting about Prince Williams. Yeah, Kate's hubby. As if we didn't have enough time chatting at school, we continued at respective home. And Mom proudly thought her daughter was doing homework revision with friend over the phone. What else....hmmm....also those endless McD session after prefectorial meetings! Jusco Maluri McD! I miss that place. I miss that life!

There will be some catching up to do with her. She need a friend, like all of us do. And I hope to be able to care for her, just like how we did. No matter how stressful and grey she thinks life is now, I hope she wouldn't give up. She is a nice girl. Nice girls should have a nice life....Guardian Angels, spend more time on her...

Metta

Good-ness!

I feel trapped in a sloth's body lately. I sense much slowness in daily chores, work and play alike. Maybe August's a Ramadhan month for the Muslim, and there is not much of surprises at work certainly. People talk slow, walk slow, and undoubtedly work slow. Semangat 1Malaysia, let's find some peace within!

Practically, I shouldn't feel slow at play, but I did. August is a month of birthdays. For the Leo's. There are 4 Leo at home, 3 human and a dog. Celebrations goes on, and calories piled up with cakes and desserts that comes alone the way. But despite all the preparations and birthday song singing, I still think 24 hours ticking away too slowly.

Maybe it's time for me to contemplate my half year's achievement. COuld it be a sign urging me to think if I've been good in first 2 quarters of the year? Or how could I save myself and redeem my staining soul, so I would be entitle for a kiss from Santa when winter comes?

I don't know...a sloth can't think about things too much, it's too slow to activate the neurons in the brain. Or, do a sloth even have brains? IF they have, what do they think? Why am I a sloth? or Why a sloths' sloth?

What a sloth-y day today. Are we there yet?

good August spring

There's nothing to do with four season. There were no winter earlier and am not sure if there will be some-kind-of-month to make autumn arrives.

I said so because I have good start this month. Simply, I had a good evening with Clement Ho. We went book-shopping at Kinokuniya.

HE introduced me Shanghai Girls by Lisa See. I was mesmerized. I didn't know literature reading can be that enjoyable and stress-free. I don't remember any stage in my kid-teenage-adult life saying I love books. But that was a good book. I din't skip any chapters, and definitely not reading because I had nothing to do. I did not do anything else because I wanted to read that book.

Shanghai Girls - as the name goes, about Pearl and May, two beautiful girls living through the glam and riches in Shanghai town. They were the popular calendar girls at that era, posing and literally stripping for ang-mo artist to brush their charm onto calendar pages. But their life twisted when their gambler father 'sold' them to a "gold mountain" chinaman residing at Hollywood. Pearl and May was then transported as paper wives, and the story elaborated further on turbulences pre and post...

And today, at Kinokuniya...I bought the next chapter of the series...Dreams of Joy. Joy...is May's daughter at birth, but raised by Pearl since Joy took her first gasp of air. Why exchange phoenix to a hen; that they sealed the truth with dark secrets never told to anyone.

There will be a lot of book reading soon to come. I am a worm. Dino-worm!

special end of July

There was nothing special in early July. It wasn't too difficult to live by, and nothing significant happened. Ehh ehh .. not really, I went holiday-ing at Makati last week, didn't I?

Had great moments at Makati. I always have. Love my 511 Studio Suite at Prince Tower. Much more homely than Taman Jaya *blek* don't tell Mom I said that. It's more exclusive partying at Manila too...no fret about drink n drive at all! And the only way to avoid hangover? Stay drunk, kuya & ate!!!!

ok ok....that's not what I want to note today. Yes, maybe part of it, but not the main reason.

July is an important month for Leo...he's coming out roaring, stretching his predator instincts.

This is your day, my Lion. Happy Birthday, and I love you. Now....you can be the Lion for a day...but please be my Dino again for the remaining 364 days!

Nest-ed

It is very weird when someone says 'I don't like to go Home, because I feel better, at ease outside'. I thought a home is like a nest. A birdie's nest. That place where the baby birds squeaking (I thought birds chirp??) asking for food, and mommy bird comes home spitting undigested worms to feed the babies...??!!? Isn't that nice to hear, but gross to imagine?

Sifu was playing an online personality test game with me, and I could still remember her words to me. She said that I'm the kind of species that needs to go out, not stay at home. She says success awaits me outside, and I should explore. And I stared blankly at her, I thought you said I should be home? You...didn't?

I don't want to doubt any decisions made. Not me. I hardly got a chance to do that. I just want to feel at ease, home or not irregardless. I just don't want to feel bullied anymore, home or not irregardless. Not to be treated unfairly, but I've no time for any yellow shirt emotional craze. I just want anyone to learn that I have boundaries too, that I can and have to say NO at times when you are not respecting me. I need them to know I have an option, if not at home, then outside.

Yes, I have an option. What left is some guts to rebel, all over again. If only I want to do so...or need to do so.

I'm bad in counting days

No, don't tell me there's only 12 months in a year, and June marks the half of it. And please with all mercy, don't remind me that July is coming to an end soon enough I re-visit my blog again the next login. I protest, as much as I would love to hold a year long street demonstration; Why people are busy rallying for politics but not science towards mortality. If we all don't age that fast, don't you think you got more time to think of politics, too? Win-Win!

I don't know what da "h" of things I have done in the first half of 2011. I thought I was watching the end-of-the-world movie '2012' many many many years ago not fretting a single drop of sweat it's approaching soon. Now, it's ironic because I want to get married on 20th December 2012. Just for the fun of playing with fate. If I'm fated to marry someone, it should not be doomsday. Or it is already doomsday when I finally think I am capable of carrying the title..Wifey! Wonder how would husby react when I say I want to marry him on doomsday. Lei wan yeh ar?!?! %#$&^*$%^@ !!

Rolling on the floor laughing.

Stop the crap. I still don't know what I did, and don't know what I should do. I am this clueless. Maybe not knowing the unknowing is a good sign. At least I'm still looking at the brighter side.

At least I am planning for marriage on doomsday. Rather than planning for any street demo on a not-so-doomsday.

Children are products from Reject Shop. They aren't perfect.

I would like to think (if merely thinking means denying)that I am not a family person. It is not easy to live a life under same roof with me. I am not a pleasant presence.

No matter how much I agree and support to filial peity, I think (means I am denying, again) that I am not a good daughter. Cos I can't seems to enjoy family life. I'd rather be alone most of the time, I almost wanted to say all the time. Undoubtedly there are those lonely times when I know nothing beats daddy's jokes or mom's cooking. Or even better, their unconditional love and concern with no bounderies. They are real flesh and blood. They are not (supposed) to be hypocrites. They are the only species that spreads unlimited aura of tender love and care.

Fingers crossed. I have never think that my parents doesn't love me. I know of the sacrifices and accomodation they have provided to me all these years. There's nothing wrong with them. It's ME. ME. ME. ME.

I want to have total silence when I needed to. And I can't tell them to shut up. I want to lie on the bed real bad. And I can't seems to forget they are waiting for me to brunch. I want to have some "thrills" in life. And I can't bear those worrying looks they are gonna have on their faces. I can't even handle heart attacks, anyway..So no....I can't be the one I want to be all the time cos I am staying with my family.

Unless if I am NOT staying with them, physically. Unless if I can't go distance, but yet am blessed with all the chances to be with them at those needed times, never afraid to regret should I be a little too late. Unless if I can pretend I don't love my parents at all. Unless....there's nothing less.

This is all so crap, you know. How's this smells different from bull's shit? Maybe he is right. I am a bad attitude person. I have bad temper. I am not easy to live with.

Why I care? Take it or leave it.

Almost a love story, LRT

Everyone tries to make a living, in the morning especially. Me too, bouncing through the hustle of city dawn, and squeezed myself way in the LRT this morning. Nothing extraordinary, the LRT is as packed as ever. I didn't grab any chances to get a seat, cos I prefer standing. I'd wonder if I burn calories while standing.

In front of me, seated a chinese lady in her...uhmm...50's late, maybe.Regular Auntie clad in tee and shorts, she looked as if just finishing her pasar rendezvous. She held tight her LRT ticket, and positioning herself ready to dis-embark at next station. I made some gaps for her easy through, but come next station...and next station..and next...she didn't leave. But she got all the package, the seated position, the hold of all her belongings and her expression everytime the LRT stops. I got more impatience than her! Auntie, so kan cheong meh?!? Come Hang Tuah station, she finally stood up before the train could brake. As the train slowed down coming to a complete halt, I saw an Uncle waiting anxiously outside the station. Outside means really outside, where he waited behind the LRT walls peeping through the gaps. You should take a closer look at his face. 100000000th times more kan cheong than the Auntie arr.

My intuition tells me that He is waiting for Her. And it is so sweet by just imagining that. I choose to believe that he is her husband. She is out to the pasar early in the morning buying fresh veges to make a nice dinner for the family. He greets her at the station, maybe to help her with the things or for security purpose, or he simply just want to walk home with her.

My morning started with so much love, like watching a fairytale. I didn't care to kay-poh till the end, or make any scientific prove if that Uncle is really waiting for the Auntie. I just find it a blessing by just believing something good, heart warming.

I know, if I don't believe in small miracles, there'd be no more rainbows in my life. Small things count....everyday. Remember. I wish I could.

Child.Care is a scientific myth

I still don't understand this subject. I don't understand why you want to repeat the same mistake your mom did.

WOW! I am hearing the protest over there. Are you raging???

Abra-da-cab-ra....If there's one potion to make babies, and grow them like vegetables, that will be fantabulous. I don't like the idea of having kids. It's definitely not the wailing, or screaming, or chuckles that kids make on a daily basis. It's also not because of the much talked about labor pain a women need to go through just because she's gotta high shot of 1 minute orgasm. I just don't know how to react about raising a human being.

When you are married, you are afraid you can't conceive. When you conceive, you are afraid the cells are not growing healthily inside. When you feel the pain and the burst of that water bag, you are pushing it so hard afraid he wouldn't come out. When the baby is finally out, you are worrying that he is not eating right, not learning right, not behaving right. When he finishes college, you think of him every day if he could be doing good at rat race. When he meets the girl, you wait for the day of his marriage. When he finally bring home a wife, YOU WILL CARE IF HIS WIFE WILL BE REPEATING THE SAME THING YOU DID, ALL OVER AGAIN.

Now, tell me if this is the package. If this is, I surrender. It will be the scariest drama ever seen, flashing right before my very eyes. I'm getting goose bumps now. Don't try to scare me anymore.

I'll just get a puppy, maybe. Thank you very much.

memories.mirage

Memories are certainly some kind of reflection crossing through minds at moments you least expected it to. Most people says, it's ok to let go as memories remains. I don't think so. Memories are not movies. They don't play back just by a touch of button. Memories will only be lively when it's felt once again. Touching moments will only happen when it's done once again.

I had awesome 3rd June - 12th June like no other June I had. Maybe a little too exaggerating cos I don't remember hell of all the past June's I had in all 28 years. Let's say it was the most fabulous month I had for the first half of my year 2011. Why so good? Cos I had good memories. Felt once again, all done with once again.

I have been waiting for 3rd June to come when it was just April. I was counting days, crossing calendars and making plans ahead. When the day finally comes, the moment I was making loud stomping sounds out of my 人字 slippers crossing the street to the arrival hall...it was pure happiness. Along the way, as the days goes, we talked about eveything..the food we loved, the places we go...the things we encountered...our journeys at Manila and KL en-route...it was total blessings.

Those were the times when I feel total sync with feelings down memory lane. We talked like we knew each other for centuries...like we are already friends during past life. It was magical, you know. When we talked about that old film we used to watch together...I could feel the coldness in the cinema, I could taste that caramel popcorn, I could feel the memories again. When we were at Genting, I could remember that conversation we had while cold breezy wind blows. It was more touching when memories flooded at times in Melaka. Every hawker stalls I passed, and some simple gesture we made, it felt like we are doing it again. It wasn't deja vu, because it was all so real. Memories, replay.

If I ever cry again writing this. If I ever feel emotional for all these. I don't understand why we must be apart again tonight. It's like a wall closing down on, curtains our memories again. It's like having to re-sit for an examination again, when all I had done was bowing to the force called fate.

Just don't be greedy, yen. Imagine if we have never parted, all these enlightenment would not materialise. You wouldn't know it meant so much. You wouldn't feel the magic of it. And you wouldn't believe that it is worth all the wait. You wouldn't know that this is the decision right to make.

Be natural. Be strong. Be realistic. Be-lieve.

1 month

So fast, it's already a month since I last said "I'm giving up". I am giving in, I didn't give up.

I am giving in to many things I wouldn't think I would give up to. Giving in about giving up on a desired lifestyle I wanted to have. Giving all in about giving up on an expected result not earned to have.

Just like loneliness itself. I didn't give up because I feel lonely, but I gave in to this life I called lonesome. Well, as I blended in and try to let things be the way it is, I don't feel so bad anymore, after all. Loneliness, is in fact, some kind of way to living too.

Routine. I first thought I would go hysteric! But I survived. Routine is a schedule too. I didn't give up because I will be doing (almost) the same thing everyday, I gave in to less colorful days. If rainbow has 7 colors, I've got 2 and that ain't a very bad thing!

Hypocrisy, I was totally allergic to this. Give up? No! I gave in and joined the party. Someone told me "As you age in this corporate world, all you need is more masks to reveal less of yourself". I love the statement, and I love the person. he knows what to say at (most) of the right time. hahs!

需要人陪 , yenny's version

一个我需要梦想需要方向需要眼泪

梦想 Mèng Xiǎng
I doubt if anyone could live along without dreams, or aspirations of what the future should be like. I asked a 5 year old kid about what she thinks about the future is, she said "I'd love to have all those barbie dolls in my room, sleeping with me in the room, when I grow up!" Cheeky, but refreshing answer. Naughty brat Wayne might aspire to live a day without curfew on his PS3 video games, and lots of cola for the day. Some other people look forward to setting up of a family, some others awaiting a newborn to add spice to the family, and others anxiously waiting to be 60 years of retirement age!
My dream....I don't know. I really don't. No matter how short term a goal I've set to accomplished, or what long term plans I have in mind -- things just seems too vague to materialize. If life is so unpredictable, why plan? If life is all about struggling to earn a penny more to be a footstep closer to happiness, why taken aback?
If I only dream to be happy, be with some one happy...how many pennies are needed to achieve that? Optimist are yelling at this juncture thinking I am so material. But tell me, if money can't buy love...can u marry a beggar on the street?
I have no more strenght to dream. Only when I sleep, maybe.

方向 Fāng Xiàng
Let's talk about direction. Let's get a GPS. LOL. So lame. Not funny.
Well, at least I am not lost. I know what I need to do now and next. Get a car, get a job. Get my time filled. And wait.....Wait for dream come true. To know what is dream all about, refer above. I don't even know which directions leads to the ultimatum dream, but it doesn't take too much energy to "dream a little dream of you"..

眼泪 Yǎn Lèi
Tears are the liquid product of a process of crying to clean and lubricate the eyes. The word lacrimation (from L. Lacrima, meaning tear) (also spelled lachrymation) may also be used in a medical or literary sense to refer to crying. Strong emotions, such as sorrow or elation, may lead to crying (Wikipedia.org).
Someone I know dearly, doesn't like me crying. As far as I know, he was never pleased with the sight and sound of somebody crying...or me precisely. He thinks crying is an activity so wasteful of time and emotions, and nothing can be helped just by crying. Because of him, I've learned, and still trying not to cry. I've hold back tears whenever I can, and he made me a stronger meek that I could ever imagined.
But deep inside me, I think crying is just a way for releasing an outburst later. I know it couldn't help anything, but at least I've acknowledge that I am not happy, or I was sad...and I'm trying to balance off that feeling.
I haven't been crying for too long, I am feeling the hypocrisy again. When I try to shed tears, I hear him saying I've got nothing to cry for...so I shouldn't. But yet, another piece of me is very very tired. I am so tired because I want to find a shoulder to cry again. A shoulder that supports me for who I am, for telling me I can be weak, I can cry. And then...a gentle pat on my head telling me...the future is still worth fighting for. I am not alone.

有时候, 我也会怕安静 ...

需要人陪

一个我需要梦想需要方向需要眼泪

yī gè wǒ xū yào mèng xiǎng xū yào fāng xiàng xū yào yǎn lèi

更需要一个人来点亮天的黑

gèng xū yào yī gè rén lái diǎn liàng tiān de hēi

我已经无能为力无法抗拒无路可退

wǒ yǐ jīng wú néng wéi lì wú fǎ kàng jù wú lù kě tuì

这无声的夜现在的我需要人陪

zhè wú shēng de yè xiàn zài de wǒ xū yào rén péi

size does matter

I am officially and publicly enlarging in size. Yea, I'm fat. And getting fatter. Extra hideous fats are bulging from my waistline. Cellulite and concrete fats are building around the thigh area. I'm helpless.

I've stopped the hormone pills with effective 18 April 2011...which counts to...ermm almost 11 years 2 months of taking oral hormone pills, everyday without fail. Well, except for that 7 days which I'm suppose to see red.

My monthly menses are no longer regulating well, even with the medication. The contents of the pill is not helping my body reacting normally like how it used to. More and more dead blood cells are accumulating inside, because it is not flushed out every month. I either get very dark, or almost black, clots monthly or it's just pathetically dried blood...

And so I've stopped medication, and hope my stubborn body is coping without. Nevertheless, close monitoring may help in knowing what my body really wants, and if new course of tablets are necessary.

What my body wants? Hmmpphh...CRAP. I don't even know what I want. How would I know what my body wants? Life's ironic...I call it a day.

Medically proven...there will be sure some kinda funny reaction my body will make. Which is happening now.....weight gain, bloated tummy, back pain, mood swings and skin irritation. Good news, I'm getting all the above, I think. Except for a bloated tummy, which I reckon will attack soon enough as I'm already getting the extra kg's.

Now...tell me what's about a doomed life ahead?

define Fetish

fe·tish : an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion.

An object of irrational reverence....Hmmm...I can understand irrational, but can't put together reverence. It was undeniably obsessive, but nothing much to do with devotion.

I'm certain I have a fetish towards some parts of my body, and can't possibly argue the reason why. My weakest point, and of course the area I fetish-ly obsessed to...is my feet.

I can't remember when I started enjoying someone (or anyone!) tickles the sole of my feet. Bad moods can be transformed to good ones, or it can even soothe me to sleep. All you got to do, is tickle my feet. The rest is history.

I've became the aim of many insect bites at home lately. Last 2 weeks, I've got an unknown bite on my left leg, and it was bandaged to avoid infection. Few nights back, some dumb mosquitoes left 3 glorious bites on my right thigh. Yea yea..I know those cellulite n fats drawn their attention. But 3 bites at the same perimeter??!!?? Merciless!

And so the smartest ant took a good bite right there at the sole of my right foot while I was having dinner. Ooouucchhh...it was life-taking. Not the pain, but the ITCH! And so, I began forcing mom to scratch my foot, and Dad was staring at his disgusting daughter. Yea, I was forcing Mom to scratch (tickle) my foot. I shy away, but still continue scratching on my own. The itchier it gets, the harder I scratched. This is gonna be a never ending "inter"course for tonight.

This can't be it. I have to do something to stop this. I scratched til it bleeds, and hansaplast it! Smart? Genius! Now....it is still painful and itchy.

I would be missing that someone whom selflessly indulging this fetish with me, almost every night. I love the tickles, and tickling is all I get...until I fall asleep. It is sweet enough just by thinking, and imagining it now. Heart warming.

fe·tish : an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion.

Let me define reverence. A feeling of profound awe and respect and often love...And devotion? Earnest attachment to a cause, person...It takes two to "fetish" ! ...

Life ... so sudden !

A close friend's father passed away today. It was all so sudden to me. His father had always been OK and leading a healthy lifestyle, I assume. The deceased was a herbalist, and I never heard any complaints from his son (my friend) that he's unwell or not coping. And then he's gone due to lungs infection. RIP, Mr.Loh.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was difficult to digest my mixed feelings at that time. I know life and death is certain. I know that I'm not a close friend to my friend's father too. And therefore, apart from feeling sorry for my friend, there really shouldn't be anything else. Who don't die? It's a matter of time, and why.

Yeahhh..easy to say. Difficult to be realistically positive.

I would imagined what if it's my loved one dying. Like my dad ...or mom..or anyone dear to me. I don't think I'd say thanks to anyone reminding me "Who don't die?" eventhough that is nothing but the truth. Or I can just imagine if I'm the one dying. Letting go may be the worst moment, but once my last breath is taken away...I wouldn't know if I'll ever know anything that happens next.

So, it will be last moment that counts? Or was it the years that I've lived before the last moment is counted? If God asks how has my life been all these years...what should I say?

I'd say...I've been blessed with good parent. I've been blessed with many good things in life, and a fair balance of bad encounters too. I've been blessed to know Buddhism, but I'm ain't saint. I've been blessed with interesting life experiences that I do not want to exchange with anyone else. I've been blessed to be truly humane..bla bla bla...

and then God fall asleep while I keep talking talking talking....yea I'm blessed, cos I'm talkative too!

How We Sentence Ourselves

Reinventing ourselves begin with language.

I'll never forget the moment that this first became perfectly clear to me. It was one of those moments of realization that you will never forget. Business consultant Becky Robbins was teaching a course in communication, and she casually said something that tied together and clarified for me nearly 11 years of research I had done in human development.

"Some people use language," she said, "to describe the lives they lead, and other people use language to create the lives they lead."

Yes, that was exactly it! Life begins for us in language. Behind every action is a thought, formed in words that paint a picture. This felt like a new discovery to me, but I knew it wasn't new to everyone. It has seen been pointed out to me that it was written long ago that "in the beginning there was the word".

Our energy and attitude are create by the language we think with. The impact is stronger than drugs, as medical tests with placebos have revealed for years. (One pill makes you larger. The other makes you small. Whatever the doctor says is what the pill seems to do.)

I could now see that my own work with high and low achievers had taught me exactly the same thing. People who are productive and fulfilled in life use a different language than the people who are struggling.

I'd even gotten to the point where I could interview people without knowing in advance if they were performing well or not, and I was able, just by listening to their language, to tell. Some of my clients began to joke that it was paranormal, but I told them it was simpler than that. I was just listening to their words.

You can always tell where a person's from by listening to the language he or she uses. Some people come from ownership, and some from victimization.

I began keeping notebooks filled with the language of high achievers (who I labeled as "owners") and another bulging pile of notebooks filled with the language of the people who were frustrated and struggling -- the "victims".

Owners use the word "can" alot, while victims favored "can't". Owners had goals, projects, and challenges, whereas victims had problems, hassles, and nightmares. Owners said they were busy, and victims said they were swamped. Owners were designing a life while victims were trying to make a living. Owners were psyched and excited about changes in the workplace while victims were worried and ticked off. Owners looked to see what they could get from an experience while victims tried to get through it.

Become the person YOU have always wanted to be.

I am blessed, truly

This morning is a very eventful and enjoyable day. I was emotionally moved by the thoughtfulness from Dad. I told him about the good news, and I even jokingly said "Good things come in pairs!" beemingly. And he cheekily told me.....

"Actually I have discreetly spoke to Buddha, and asked Him to bless my daughter for a smooth sailing journey in her life, especially today. I even told Him that, please let my daughter to be happy and doing the things that she likes"

And, I was choked by my own tears at Suria KLCC upon hearing this. It was so close to heart, so touching, so Daddy...

P/S to Dad: I will hope and do my best, and if the offer materialize...let's party!

yenny says Aaaaahhhh....~~~ dental experience

If I stand in front of a full bodied mirror and evaluate from head to toe, I'd say this is the perfecto body my parents have ever made. I've got healthy straight hair, and I don't bother if they need any rebonding now. My face ain't angelic, but all the vital organs are working fine. Of course I'd hope a little slimmer figure (I Love Collar Bones!) and even nearing 30's I'm still in great doubt if my boobs goes well with my waist line =P well oh well.....I am a good person truly. I am much luckier than other less fortunate than me. Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu.....

*Poof* All beautiful descriptions above go haywire when I finally smile. It's not that I have very rotten teeth, but those are the assets I have taken least care of in these years. I had no problem dealing with my gigi susu when I was a kid....cos I dared myself to pull them out once they left hanging on my gums. Tsk tsk...I forgot to give them to the Tooth Fairy, or else I could be a little richer now , ehh?

I hate dentist. Or the dentist's nurse. I even hate the receptionist of the dental clinic. Don't get me wrong, they are nice people, but I just hate the full package of the scariest word in my world -- DENTIST.

I hate to have tooth fillings done. Back in primary school, when the dentists and nurses came for annual check up, I would force daddy to write an Exclusion Letter so that I'd be spare from the check-up. (and the fillings..and the extractions..and the bla bla bla). Later on, when I realy have a bad tooth and needed fillings badly, Daddy would have to bring me to the Indian dentist next to Kajang KFC. There, I would pray to the Elephant God so that it wouldn't be an awful experience. And there wasn't a single tooth filling experience not awful. Dreadful & Horrifying! -- should have spoken to Elephant God in Tamil....

As I enter the world of young adulthood...here come the wisdom tooth. Arrgghhhh....!! I didn't ask for extra teeth, ma! First extraction of lower right wisdom tooth took me into total trance after downing 8 pain killers post surgery. I slept the whole afternoon, and didn't wake up until next morning. The moment I opened my eyes, I couldn't feel my mouth. I thought I left it at the dental clinic. Second (upper right) and third (lower left) extraction was done by a gentler dentist, Dr. Chee. But both teeth were extracted on the same day. This time, 5 pain killers post surgery, and whole 2 weeks of non-solid food diet. I couldn't even open my mouth. All I had was cereal drinks sucked through a pathetic straw. I lost 2.5 kg (hooray?) and swear that I AM NOT REMOVING ANYMORE WISDOM TOOTH!!!!!

Good news - I still have one undying tooth trying to prove it's existence. I don't know when is that doom's day coming.



I just came back from the dentist today. Dr. Chee, a slim gentle dentist that my whole family laid our trusted tougue to her. She is nice. And really gentle too. She helped with the the minor surgery of second w-tooth, and a full blown third major surgery. Of course it was painful, but she did her very best, I know.

This morning, I visited Dr. Chee for the chaos that my "rabbit" teeth are causing me. This pair of front tooth are gloriously cracking from bottom, and it is uneven causing both tooth looks like it rots bottom-up. I was worried sick last night. I imagined the EEeeeeeeeeeeeee sound that metal makes and it went directly triggering my spine. I imagined the fillings and the force to clean the empty spaces of my tooth. I imagined the needles and such prior to extraction. I couldn't sleep.

And all Dr. Chee did was a few pleasing stroke using the eeeeeeee sound utensil, and VOILA my front teeth are in even size! No filling, no needle, no extraction. Dr. Chee even cleaned and polished my teeth without much hassle. Perfectly pain-free experience!!!

Ok, great. I will take care of my teeth from today onwards. I will brush regularly, and avoid sweet stuffs. I will use all the appropriate dental care products. I will make sure that all these craps above are bluffing you. I am still a bad apple towards dental concern. *BLEK*

A prayer for the lost souls

I don't know what am I waiting here for. I have been living in the dark for days, and if water and food is the ultimate source of human existance...where did humanity retreated to?....

The war have commenced for almost a month, counting by the sun rise I witnessed through. If I didn't lost count. If everyday had passed and this can be still meaningful to me. This morning, I woke up from the cries of insanity again. My hands were still shaking, I was shivering with fear. I hear whispering of other refugees. Some said this is just the dawn of the dark ages. The undying spirit convinces each other that Godness of Fair Judgement shall prevail soon. It is just a matter of time when we can live life like we did, again.

I don't know which extremist to believe. I was just coerced to believe, but believe in what, I don't know. I have seen the blue skies, I have danced with the dandelions. I have laid above cool bed of grass, I have sang the joy of love. Do I want to survive, and make a second chance? Or should I just give up and do not regret from those angelic days I once had?

The Twin Witches are polluting the airway again this full moon. They are riding the scariest vulture on earth, and they have eagle eyes to look for prey. They came once, about a month or so...and they took all my kindest friends away. When all of my friends were dumped back, they have lost the precious gift of humanity; living with greed, jealousy, defilement and narcissism. It seems the Withces didn't kill their prey, they ate their soul. For the Witches knows, the perfect execution of the human race is through humanity assasination.

In the dark, when I have lost the count of time, the tick of clock.....I clasped my hands and prayed. A ritual of 24 minutes' reminiscence, and hope a ray of light would tell me what would the next 24 hours be?

Reminiscence, Part I - Chapter I

indulge in reminiscence

Makati City looks gloomy today. Sunny is not visiting yet, or even not at all. Dark patches of marshmallows holding back their tears; trying to be strong and cheerful maybe. Not many pedestrians passing by that busy street; but who would care if anyone ever left some foot prints there? If everyone thinks you are an acquaintance, don't doubt your dignity and will to live on.

Memories matters only to the right subject, there's no need to tell others because they won't feel the same way you felt. Keep it safe in that corner of your mind. When there are adequate good memories kept, good things follows.

Have you tried spending at least 24 minutes in every 24 hours of your hectic life, simply reminiscing and bring back some good memories and make things happen?

- Reminiscence, Part I -

women's war again...!

I've received an international call, without indication of the caller's details. Once I uttered "hulloo..?" , I heard Joyce Ho from the other line. First thing that crossed my mind was, something happened at home?

No. And yes, again.

Same ol' kind of complaints, same ol' kind of argument. Mom stepped her tails, she feels agitated. Hotline to call: 1800-yenny-ho-000

Bravo. Both important ladies of my life are striking war again. This time, it's about the LCD television. Joyce wanted to give us a 32" LCD tv, even though it is second handed but still new due to minimal usage. It was used by Wayne's PS3 craze, and since he didn't concentrate on his school homework, the gaming is banned at home. Apparently, Wilson got a way in getting another unit of LCD, and decided to give the extra unit to my Home. Nice of him, too.

And my hero Mom nicely tell people off by doubting if the TV is indeed an old junk, something the Soon's family trying to get rid of. Well, I didn't really hear the way Mom says it, but according to Joyce; it hurt her cos Mom was asking as if she's treating home a garbage spot.

I have no idea who to side, and I definitely DO NOT CARE who should I side. This kind of women's war crying foul is happening too many times and I am deliberately sick of it. No one's at full fault, and no one is holy right.

GOSH! Spare me from these earthling's fight. Sadhu.

Rejoice, Manila!

I am loving these 7-days of getaway at Makati, Metro Manila. I can hear my heart beat every moment, and my soul is singing praises of joy and contentment. I have never felt this way about Makati before. I am finally back here, and it feels great.

On 22nd March, the day I departed to MNL from KLIA. It was a rainy morning at Kuala Lumpur, and the mood was gloomy. It felt down-spirited and it was pathetic to find anything to really look up for. As MH704 touched down at NAIA, it was all sunset and that welcoming Pinoy breeze again. I remembers this weather. I remember this scenario. Something which I have taken for granted for the past 2 years. I won't anymore, this time.

I am glad I came back. Everything means a fuller piece for me, and it feels like I am recharged again. Battery level UP! I have aimed to gather more good luck and fortune so I can bring them back with me later. I certainly have. And knowing I am always welcomed back here again, feels a lot easier. I can just pack and leave. This is always me.

It was Earth Hour 2011, and I had candle lit dinner at The Paseo Park. Watching cute little doggies strolling at the garden, had best cold ramen and finest Jap Sake accompanying. And no one else but Muuk. It was overwhelming. It was happiness in perfecto style.

This reminds me of something. Good things don't need to happen all the time. It strikes you just the right moment you needed it. Rejoice!

Quake hits Philippines, no damage expected

An earthquake with an estimated magnitude of 5.7 shook buildings in the Philippine capital on Monday, but was not expected to cause any damage, the head of the government's seismology bureau said. The US Geological Survey said on its website the quake had a magnitude of 5.4 and struck 87 kilometres (54 miles) southwest of Manila at 6.36 pm (1036 GMT).


I will be flying to Manila tomorrow at 1015 local time. Knowing this news, I gave a blank stare. If you think I am afraid to fly tomorrow, not exactly. If you think I feel more eager to be there at Manila just to ensure my loved ones are safe, not perfectly true also.

I don't know what I am thinking, but is feeling sense of losing some humanity hopes. I don't know if this struggle of survival means even anything to us, if the positive aura of Gods are not with us. Should there be anything happening right now and then, what can really be brought along with us? Nothing. The only difference is, if we have lived the day with no regrets after all?

Metta is imporatant to keep the human race alive, but Karma reminds us of true humanity.

21 days : trial

I am officially home for 3 weeks now. Uhmmm, around same time last year, I took 3 weeks' off from work to "holiday" at home too. I could still remember, it was my transition period from Caspo Inc to Stellent Corp. I was so stressed out with Caspo, and it was difficult to decide if I can (want) to make things anew with Stellent. Of which, I did.....and almost a year after the incident, here I am giving up on Stellent Corp.

Well, I can't terribly say giving up because this departure is less political from Caspo's divergence. This time, I am leaving Stellent for the settlement of family affairs. I am home mostly because SuperDad and SuperMom wants (needs) me to be home with them. And also sadly, I could hardly foresee any interesting reason to stay put with Stellent's immature management team.

Those 3 amazing weeks I had in year 2010 (which I took as holiday after resigning from Caspo) was totally hell different compares to this 3 weeks (and many more weeks) I'm having now at home.

I am struggling as hard as I can to renew my living habits now. This is such strange and foreign feeling which I am not supposed to have! This is home, and yet I am not at ease. I feel like a stranger to the full package of living at home! WT Crap!?!?

I have been very upset lately. A part of my concience is blaming the failure of loving home, and another side of me shouts for more personal (I mean P-E-R-S-O-N-A-L!!) space and time. It feels like lost of identity now. I have to follow other's time table, I have to acknowledge new routines, I have to obey new rules! Like I am even forced to eat, even though I am not hungry. And if I don't eat, I'd be tagged as weird. Or they would feel that I am trying to distance myself. Something like that. HUH ?!?!?! Excuse me?

This is a very mutual problem. I was never given such "special" attention if I didn't work abroad. Maybe they missed the feeling of taking good good good CARE of me. They felt there were so many things not done in 2 years time, and now it's payback! In addition, my resentment would not be this supreme if I didn't enjoyed total freedom while working abroad. So, this ultimatum clash is ... mutual. Ok, I can definitely feel better when I am thinking and analyzing it from this angle.

See... this is how I survived these 21 days. I have to be (forcefully) positive and practical. There's not a split nano-second allowed to think of unnecessary things. I am HOME, and this is HOME. There will be no where better than HOME.

Come to this, why don't I start a HOME myself....? Like starting a family? So I can make my own time table, routines and rules?

Hmmmm......

Calamity. Catastrophe. Cataclysm - Fear it.

JAPAN, Tokyo -- The magnitude 8.9 offshore quake unleashed a 23-foot tsunami and was followed by more than 50 aftershocks for hours, many of them of more than magnitude 6.0.



I am not talking about typhoons anymore. I am fearing somethinhg that haunted me in year 2004, when a tsunami took hundreds of lives at major cities of Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia and a few others. This year, it attacked Japan's northern area. I watched a few video clips from different sources, all shown same images of dark waters gushing in mercilessly.

I don't know how many living being made homeless, but still haunts those that are not dead thinking about their loved ones. In year 2004, it was heart breaking when the news broadcasted a long line of wrapped corpse laying on the ground; waiting for families to claim. It was reported that some bodies were badly decomposed in water, and could hardly be recognised. Imagine you are not dead trying to identify someone you loved but confirmed dead. You couldn't find him/her, because most of the cold flesh laying there looks the same. Or there could be no tracebility at all, far from recognizable. Or either way, imagine you are dead. Which imagination seems more humanely "enticing"?

A friend asks, which would I choose? The dead one waiting to be claimed, or claiming a dead one? I said, the dead one. With a tattoo. So increase the chances of them noticing my body, even to the slightest assistance.

And just a short moment ago, daddy and I was watching the video footage of Japan via youtube. And so I asked dad "So, can I get a tattoo of my own name on my back?" He didn't ask me why. He just said "Yes, as long as you are happy".

There's not much use praying God to save humans if we are the one destructing earth with our own bare hands. To turn the karma effect, why not use your hands to do a little more help in saving Earth? Metta to all, Metta to all who have suffered in this tragedy.

I'm home, for the 10th day!

Let's celebrate my 10th day return to Home Sweet Home, rejoicing my strength and courage to start all over again. Hmm...."start all over again"? Didn't my life begins here afterall? Why would home suddenly feels like a secondary nest of my surviving presence?

Coming home after 2 exciting years abroad gives me another insight -- Don't say nothing changes. Things does, and things did. In fact, the element that changes most is not the tangibles. It's a change to the human's heart. A change to lifestyles, a change to preferences, all characteristics big and small.

I feel like an object so foreign to all these differences. Cantonese, a language I've mastered since young; are uttered the same way I used to. But people are already interpreting it adversely now. Back in 2009, a comment made by me do not carry the same meaning to you if I ever let it slip from my lips again now.

I don't know why they want to build walls with me. I thought we are families? I thought we were friends? I thought we were, and still are aquaintance? Nothing ever matters now. Don't say nothing changes. You have the right to move on.

Showing off, is a severe attack of insecurity. Thinking people are always showing off with you, is a chronic ambush of inferiority. 比上不足 , 比下有余.

26.07.2009 - 27.02.2011 : Makati, Metro Manila

Checking out of Makati City on 27th February 2011.

Bon Voyage.

Au revoir Manila

Friends are reminding me that I will be leaving Manila at anytime soon now. I started with a countdown of how many days left to spend here, but gave up as time was running even faster than my counting down.

They kept me occupied with outings and crazy events so that I would still spare some space in my memory for Makati, Metro Manila. Gosh, do I really look so disgusted with this place after all? Not really. If I need to rejoice, there are certainly thumbs-up points that I can never resist coming back to Makati again....

1. The weather
I really really do love the weather here. Exceptional for typhoons. But on any regular days and nights, the weather have been very kind to my liking. I especially love it at night. I mean, very late at night. It is always windy at night, and the breeze is so comfortable you'd feel like falling asleep right there at the middle of the road. And by the day, the sun is never too fierce to people here. No matter how sunny it might be, there will surely be gentle breeze brushing on your skin. Comparing to KL...my temperature will be gushing like the blazing hot dry weather everyday!

2. Taxi services
It is such a norm for people to commute by a taxi here at Makati. Even though some taxi drivers will get greedy and ask for extra tipping, but they surely are far better disciplined that those morons we have back in KL. And I'm always beaming with a big smile whenever I can get a Vios, City or Avanza taxi. I'm paying for the same metered system, and of course I want a better car! :)

3. Strictly no driving
I am enjoying not driving at all. And in conjunction to that, no traffic jam. I don't need to face every dilemma of getting stuck in a snake-like car marathon. Here, a busy day starts with a cuppa coffee and delicious brunch and then head straight to work with my very own legs.

4. User-friendly walkway & tunnels
During my CNY break at home, I tried to walk back from Klinik T&C en route Taman Jaya. I'm used to walking at Makati, and I don't want to hassle daddy to come out again to pick me up. It was such an ugly stroll. Malaysian drivers were born to think walkers are too poor to own a car, so they can proudly sway their damn cars within inches from my body. Here at Makati, it is such pleasure to walk around the city. Cars make their stop when they see human at the zebra crossing. Tunnels are well lit and it is never scary even at night. And low crime rate. I can even spot an ATM machine at the subway here, not risking any brainless chap trying to bomb the damn thing off.

5. Freedom
I can practically do anything at anytime I want at Makati. I don't need to answer to any busybody queries on the "why"s and "how"s. Friends here do not and never compare their riches or rags with me. Because there is nothing much to compare, we briefly know what we are earning.

Life's full with uncertainties. If this is the oommpphhh that makes life interesting, I take the call.

18th February of 2011

Loads of well wishes from friends or acquaintances were tagged to me at Facebook. A few close buddies even text-ed me directly to my phone, making the bonds much sweeter and of course, closer. Family members called, saying this should be the last birthday celebration away from home. The fact that I didn't spend my birthday at home for 2 years, startled me.

Time goes THAT fast??? Yes, admit it YennyHO...you are at your last twenties. And the BIG-3 is coming in. Boo-Hoo...

Despite all great lines of "Have a blast on your Bday" or "Enjoy your day to the max!" kind of wishes, I was practically and realistically spending my Birthday-29 at home. To be precise, on the bed. Alone.

Down with throat inflammation and fever, doctor gave me a day of MC with much mercy. Urrghh...medicine again...but in order to recover asap, I've got to take the call. Or else, suffer the pain - NO WAY!

I still got my birthday cake, and blown the candles away. Muuk got a rectangle shaped (so odd!) chocolate cake over...and I chocked myself happily with it. Earlier, all I had was pancake with syrup and congee. It was only complete when I got that choco on my tastebuds again! I love d cake ! And love u too, Muuk ! You made my (helpless) birthday special again !

And JoyceHO told me Dad's eyesight needs a specialist's attention too. Dad is seeing sparks of line whenever he's in a dark room/place. When JoyceHO replied saying nothing is too scary...it took my worries away. Will follow up on this when I get home soon.

Well...there goes the special day. And deep in my heart...every birthday reminds me of the labor pain Mom had gone through for me. And for that, I should thank her instead, she should deserve the Happy Birthday wishes much more than I should. Love U SinMee...

such odd feeling about myself

I jokingly told Mom that her daughter must strive to lead a good & prosperous Rabbit New Year, because the Tiger year wasn't too good. In year 2010, things wasn't able to run very smoothly (due to) many "small people" 小人 surrounding this helpless Doggie. I wore a new pair of shoe and stomp my feet as hardly as I could on 1st Day of CNY, believing to make all the 小人 die of stampede. Get away from me.

And now, Rabbit year is still fresh and anew - I am still feeling odd.

There's something lacking in me. Seriously lacking in me. The initiative to mix around with homosapiens. Be it people at MNL, or even KL. I am so haunted by the feeling of insecurity I've experienced in these 2 years, and I've brought the feeling back home with me. I am so deserted, that taking one step closer feels like miles away. I somehow feel safer, less chaotic living in my own world. It happens here, it happended back home.

As I write this down, I know this handicap somehow leave a negative impact in me. But yet, I might be enjoying it. Maybe it's fate...I was, and therefore will still be reserved.

No wonder I gave a name to my planet. It's called DinoLand.

such odd feeling about weather

The warm winds blowing at Makati today smells like sea water. We all know that The Phillipines is indeed an island, but we have never smelled the wind like we are right next to the sea!

Friends here says it could be a Tsunami alert. Or anything similar. Any natural disaster that can cross your mind now, and certainly not something very welcoming. Other friends says they witnessed bugs, ants and small animals trying to find shelter by migrating. An office colleagues said the big red ants are all over his workstation today.

I don't know how real can things be. I don't know if anyone can tell me what's really going on. I just want to keep believing in positive aura. I just hope no one will be hurt; human, animals and plants alike.

METTA, and may love transcends all.

Stellent's recourse

Day 1 at Stellent Services Corp after a long satisfying week on holiday. The moment I had my fingerprint scanned, nothing feels the same at 19th Floor of PBCom Tower anymore.

Some people resigned because they don't want to, but have to. Some people left because they don't have to, but desperately want to. Some people lost their soul, but restlessly worked for a living. Some people are still there, but are counting their days. Some people don't even dare to think about leaving or staying put, because sometimes faith just ain't enough.

I didn't want to drag myself to work. I don't know which category above I fit into, but I'm definitely not working for the sake of money alone. I work for a living. And by LIVING it means a whole lot bigger agenda.

I work because I need food for bodily enrichment, food for thoughts and food for love. Metta to all, in hope for a smooth sailing path of life.

Sound enlightened ehh? So, do I still need to drag myself to work tomorrow?

Amazing Hong Kong!

Amazing....and tiring.

It was chilly cold at 8°C lowest. Well it wasn't so cold as if it snowed, but cold enough to make us all wear extra clothings. We missed the CNY marketplace at Victoria Park, as we were a week too early. We didn't have the chance to taste all HK popular delicacies. I don't agree that all food at HK tastes superb anyway. Like the Polo Bun...not extremely yummy. Maybe we didn't find the best shop tho. Other than that, it was all great and nice.



Dad was happy. Mom was exhausted. Gary & Carol was satisfied. Yen was blessed. Good trip.

SuperDad's dream come true

I was HOME safely, utmost appreciation and thankfulness to all well wishes and blessings from the Triple Gems.....Thanks Buddha, the Guardian Angel.

I am not only HOME. I will be blessed with the ability to make Dad's dream come true tomorrow. A family trip to Hong Kong for Chinese New Year shopping.

All necessities, check. Pinky health, check. Family bond, check.

Time do pass very quickly when happiness is evolving. But it's worth the wait.

16th Jan is the day!

I have talked about a time to put all the hideous & tedious work aside. I have whined about getting away from all the hypocrites and drama queens and have a peaceful life. I have promised Super Dad and Super Mom that there will be a day when the whole family will get a chance to visit Hong Kong per-CNY together.

I have said it. I will materialize it.

Tomorrow is the day when perfection is almost perfect, in its most natural and contented form. A day when all dream's come true. A day full of love and life.

Moments of contemplation

1. The wise enjoys moments of peace in the perfect imperfection of nature; not thinking, not planning, and not feeling guilty.

2. We all deserve to get away and have some peace; and others deserve the peace of us getting out of their way!

3. There's always something we can do instead of feeling upset, even if that something is just sitting peacefully for a while, not complaining.

4. "My father was offering unconditional love. No strings attached. I was his son and that was enough. It was beautiful. It was real. He meant it."

5. So we should always be grateful for the faults in our partner because if they didn't have those faults from the start, they would have been able to marry someone much better than us.

AJAHN BRAHM
Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?
Inspiring stories for welcoming life's difficulties


1. Perfection is, at it's form of originality....
YENNY HO
For all who love life, and live life

hello...newbie 2011

Warm huggies greetings to year 2011.

I don't know what sort of adventure this new year is gonna bring to me. Enjoyable or not, life goes on. Hoping the vulnerable spark of humanity still burns in me no matter which year am living in. Looking forward to live a life with virtue and simplicity. Wishing every golden opportunities that may befall me are grasped with contentment and joyfulness. Not to forget the power of metta that makes every 365 days filled with love, kindness and reminiscing togetherness with family, friends & acquaintances.