I want to write!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My head is ridiculously blank amidst this blasting deafening music. I have only dum-dum-dum-diiii-dum moving about every neurons in me. Damn.

Some elements is missing. If I had it, then it is called missing. If I haven't had it it's called lusting. I am missing the lust. Double damn.

Lol. I am losing my mind. I am losing my head altogether. I am losing myself.

Come back!

The 10 comMANdments

1. Either you be a real warm blooded gentleman, or you can be a despicable moron. Being a moron acting like a good manner man, doesn't do the trick. Play tricks, why not try circus?

2. Do as you preach, preach within your abilities. You can bark like a mad dog, and only a mad dog you will be. If you can really do what you intend to say, then just do it. Or else, shut up and let the dogs out.

3. Success is not measured by how well you show off. Real failure is not knowing this.

4. Love and be realistic about love. A casanova is like honey attracting bees. You will enjoy the attention, until you get sting.

5. If you must break a girl's heart today, make sure she is not someone you spend your whole damn life with. Yes, your whole DAMN life.

6. You think you are more superior than your wife? Then you are probably right. And most probably, she just left you.

7. Ego makes you feel good. So do rat poison. It kills both man and mice so slowly, dying a rotten death.

8. To be unfaithful to your partner is not a sin. Because your partner would have known it by now, and your best buddy the lucky guy. Hey man, what comes around...goes around?

9. You can be angry. But you cannot be rude. You can be unwise, but there's no help if you are plain dumb.

10. There is no equality of gender. Only mutual respect. Love him/her just the same way you want to be loved in return. This is law of equality.

© ar•te•nus\

one month, today

Today is April 26. Exactly one month from today will be May 26. I am profoundly astonished by how quick time moves forward. Especially when you are not counting it.

I am deliberating all types of very mixed feelings now. I can't wait, but I hope those honeymoon phase could last forever. Like really forever in my very this life.

I know, I've sensed it too. Then was so easy encode and decode, but there has been countless chapters of miscommunication lately. Then was a lot of dovey talks, but there has been moments when it is even difficult to make surprises now. Then was natural time off where it feels light and easy, but there has been coldest silence that it shivers to even think about; let not even action on it. And so then and now, here it is.

No one ever says it will gonna be a bed of roses. Nor I. Even more so, I've prepared for the worst storms to loom and doom, but never afraid. Because in my Land, there will always be sun and rainbows there after. Sigh, it was so dark during the rainy days, that I nearly didn't find my way out. I was afraid. I was not as brave I thought I am. I was lost. And I hope I am anchored once again.

I just have one reminder. Remember the thankfulness I've sang praises to. Remember that no one is made to love, to nurture and to forgive. As one fine day, people leave not because it is difficult. People leave because no longer feel appreciated. Or once learned to be thankful, it is just too late to appreciate. Appreciation and thankfulness; only then other ingredients can add flavor.

I was, and I still am. I didn't hesitate in anyway. I just need more assurance.

a journey alone

In the middle of the journey,
could someone had walked with me
but not walk for me
I found myself astray in the dark
directions blurred
visions fogged
where the straight road had been lost sight of

The journey between
what you once were, and
who you are now becoming, is
where the dance of life takes place
A dance not paired, but
eventually there could where the journey ends

© ar•te•nus\

Big happy Ng's Family !!

I definitely spent more of my youth with Ng family compared to the Ho's. Can't dispute, cos I go to popo and ah gong house almost every weekend, while mamma only visits us like 3 times a year...or sometimes just once.

And, the Ng family is also such large croods! Popo got 6 daughters and 4 sons. Ya, very fertile eh. And loving too. As a result, I grow up will all of my ah-yi's and yi-jeung's. Some are fierce, some funny and some weird. Ya, these run in the genes, I guess. But they are all very close to me, like they formed a part of my childhood framework.

Today, tai-yi passed away. I feel rather uneasy. A part of me wanted so much that she can attend my wedding. Although I didn't like spend lots of time with her, I feel the loss too.
And also, when yi-yi passed away I think 2 years ago, no one even told me about it! I was ironically told that she passed away when I mentioned to visit her. She was bed-ridden when I last saw her.

They are my ah-yi's. They are big part of my memories. They will be missed.

Aries, go to the light

Little Aries,

Guardian Angel have found you. Leo is coming to you too. Don't be afraid, you will go to Doggie Land, and be a good boy there. You are loved, and will be loved there.

There is no pain, no worries and all doggies are safe there. Wait for us, mommy and daddy will come to see you again, when the right time arrives. And after that, we will all play together in Doggie Land.

and Aries, learn the Dharma while you are waiting for us. Buddha loves you as much as daddy do, and mommy never lies.

Leo,
You be a good big brother and take care of Aries. Teach him tricks that you know. Introduce him to other lovely pets there. I know you will be good kor kor to Aries.

Guardian Angel,
Thankfulness and thankfulness again. We both leave Leo and Aries to you. Until one fine day we will come back to you.

Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu.

Baby,
I love you. We can do this together. Together, in this very life, we learn and be better. Love you.

Small house, Big home

View from my home's balcony. This house has given me so much thoughtful agenda.

I have taken the riskiest risk (*chuckles) and listened to my heart rather than my damaged brain. And in return, I am blessed with a 'home' instead of just owning a house.

Baby, thanks for coming into my life. Thanks for giving me a big home when all I asked for was just a small house.

Attn : Leo a.k.a Miao-Miao

It's been 365 days, Leo

dearest Leo,

There goes 365 days since you leave me; and you crosses the rainbow bridge to your doggie land. How many days there equals my 365 days?

To me, it felt almost forever. Almost. It hurts like that.

People convinces me, you definitely got a better life right now. Or maybe, you have reincarnated and then we may have crossed our paths somehow. But they don't quite understand.

You took a piece of me with you. And that forever remains with you.

What haven't we done when you were around? So many things!

Dear Guardian Angel,
Last year today, I have placed my little poodle, Leo at your guardianship. I believe Leo will be a good doggie at your pure land, and I've promised we will cross paths again when the right time arrives.

Dear guardian, should there be good karma which I've accumulated along the way, please may I share with Leo today. May the beauty of Dharma blesses Leo's well being. And if Leo needs to learn again, let it be the wonderful lessons of Dharma.

Ok, Leo. So be a good doggie there. I love you, and thank you for coming into my life.

Namo Buddha-ya Namo Dhamma-ya Namo Sangha-ya
Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu

covetous

Jealousy is...
that roses' thorn that makes you bleed
that winter's snow that falls beneath
that very moment of faith slowly creeps...
away from me, towards her and you

Go on, and on to compare
when all left to me was despair
dungeon of a worthless pair, this only
could never mend you, wholesomely

I'd wished you had enjoyed very much
because if you hadn't
nothing, only desires burns
within, inside of me so eternally
til life beyond us, and her
would never ends

Only so much that I could do
let silence in, in this vacuum so deafening
Where ignorance is heavenly blissful
I'd look again, and that still shadow
forever in daylight or night

Night like forever, me laying beside you
and burns...
you allowed to, you wanted to
You chosen me


ar•te•nus\

Ap•pre•ci•a•tion (-pr sh - sh n)

More often than not, we always feel that we are ‘under-appreciated’ (I think this word doesn’t exist, but who cares?!?!---this is a sign of feeling under-appreciated *chuckles

Look. If we are really sincere of all the good deeds we do wholeheartedly, why care if you get appreciation in return? This is such an adverse dogma! *sigh

Yeah. Even though you should give without expecting any return, don’t you think a sincere ‘thank you’ would just rhyme nicely? Highlight is the word sincere, not just ‘thank you’. How many times today up til this very moment; you have said ‘thank you’ without really meaning it from the bottom of your heart?

No one is commissioned to be nice to you. No one in this whole damn world, that’s why. People leave not because it is difficult to deal with you; it’s because they feel you are not worth it. And should people really leave you for this reason, there will be no more turning back.

So be thankful. Be real, and mean it by rejoicing every special moment people have given to you. For some that are specially made for it to make you feel exclusive, remind yourself that you should be extra thankful.

There’s no other way out because this is how the cycle turns.

“cos I can sing a little more, laugh a little more and love myself a little more…from you that I have found the better part of me….”

This is how appreciation works like magic.

I heard you

".....i heard you last night. So clearly. You called me by a different name. A name was once dear to you, unfairly. You called me by a different name, I 'd wonder why. Thou never the same, but not replaceable. That was a different name. If it hurts to silently remember, it killed to silently acknowledge. It was bleeding inside, when you called me by a different name. Last night. I wish last night was the last, thou it shall be not forever. If it all ended, will you be calling me by a different person? Your next. And remember me, also..."

Thanks, Bernard & JoLin

I have shared something on my Facebook page today. I have seen something that gave me an instant chill, and I am teary eyed right here in a cafe, alone.

I've forgot how long I didn't let myself just cry. Just lay the cards and say yes, I'm vulnerable.

This video, didn't moved me only because it is about relationship or marriage or anything. This video is a reminder of a Promise. Anything that said to be done, and most often than not forgets because naturally things are taken for granted. Time is the biggest enemy of a pure promise. Either forgets, or it is naturally forgotten.

I have promised myself too. And I forgets. Just like the video, comes 20 or 30 years later.....I am not going to be happy of myself if I forgets this promise.

And those promises that you have given to me, is still with me. I hope time is being kind to you.

Enjoy the video at my FB page, bloggers. And if you are just a follower of blogs, feel free to search for the video link at FB via Bernard Hiew.

All of us need some reminder here and then. Live Life Love.