Mom's 58th birthday on 20120913. I have instructed all Ho members to be available on 14th, and I got a vegetarian green tea tiramisu for her. Mission was to surprise her at sifu's place after her Friday puja. All were ready to be in action. Except me. I had work last minute and couldn't make it on time.
So I know a lil bitsy about technologies. I made a sound record singing Happy Birthday song and some act cute wishes for her. I have delegated Joyce Ho to play the voice clip. I bet mom was happy, and the rest finds it entertaining. I am very satisfied with my backup plan. And I think I sound good in voice records.
I don't hate my family actually. Despite several rows and refute I had in my earlier blogs, I really sounded like unfilial crap didn't I?
No. I love my parents. I just don't enjoy my living style evolving around them anymore. Maybe I have out-grown myself, or two years of makati independence had molded me into who I am now.
Like this sort of birthday arrangement, even without my presence; there was so much love in a simple way. Of course I want to be there if I didn't need to work, but the contrary didn't turn out disastrous, wasn't it? I imagined, if I am not living under same roof, any ad-hoc togetherness can be even more heart warming!
Wanting to move out is not leaving them alone. I am leaving myself alone, because I know how much of a jackass I can be sometimes. I hope a simple retreat can prepare more space to build a loving base. I am not leaving you, dad mom. I am just away for moments of self contemplation, so we can truly enjoy the companionship that come along the way. We are not lovers or husband-wife. No children will divorce their parents.
There is no ending to our relationship, because no matter where I am, your true flesh and blood follows in me. Your blessings are my best encouragement.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
I don't know family matters
On this very morning, right in the heat of bustling city polluted with endless traffics; I keep on asking -- May I know when will I be dead ?
If I have an expire date in 10 years from now, what would I do?
I would resign from my job today, go somewhere no one knows me and makes sure no one to echo anymore craps into my weary soul.
I don't see much joy in living when you are tired of life, and one factor contributing is your own family. Go out to work, hate your job but you need that paycheck. Hate your boss but there will always be someone ahead you. Hate your colleagues but they comes in packages, your boss included. After work, you've got friends? They come in all shapes and sizes, all masked within their own capabilities. Don't like work, don't like friends? Go home!
But I don't want to go home. I don't want to be home. It is same suffocating. I thought of killing my brother when I was a teenager but shrugged it off; maybe I was too immature then. But now, despite not killing him, I still don't see why I need to like him. And my parents; if they love him so much, why even care to have me? My being is never a subject of importance, because I am always accommodating. And if I am rebellious for a moment, am I the black sheep immediately?
At this moment, I just want to run away. I may not run, maybe take a flight to a far away place. I just want to be away for a long long time. I just don't want to see them. I just want to be alone. I just want them to leave me alone.
If I have an expire date in 10 years from now, what would I do?
I would resign from my job today, go somewhere no one knows me and makes sure no one to echo anymore craps into my weary soul.
I don't see much joy in living when you are tired of life, and one factor contributing is your own family. Go out to work, hate your job but you need that paycheck. Hate your boss but there will always be someone ahead you. Hate your colleagues but they comes in packages, your boss included. After work, you've got friends? They come in all shapes and sizes, all masked within their own capabilities. Don't like work, don't like friends? Go home!
But I don't want to go home. I don't want to be home. It is same suffocating. I thought of killing my brother when I was a teenager but shrugged it off; maybe I was too immature then. But now, despite not killing him, I still don't see why I need to like him. And my parents; if they love him so much, why even care to have me? My being is never a subject of importance, because I am always accommodating. And if I am rebellious for a moment, am I the black sheep immediately?
At this moment, I just want to run away. I may not run, maybe take a flight to a far away place. I just want to be away for a long long time. I just don't want to see them. I just want to be alone. I just want them to leave me alone.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Legacy
You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that keep me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love.
If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right. If today were the last day in my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today? And if the answer has been a 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way to avoid the trap of thinking you've got something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
But, no one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want die to get there. And yet death is the destination we share. No one has ever escape from it. Your life is limited, so don't waste it living someone else life. Don't be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others opinion drown out your inner voice.
And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
Mr. Steve Jobs
If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right. If today were the last day in my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today? And if the answer has been a 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way to avoid the trap of thinking you've got something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
But, no one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want die to get there. And yet death is the destination we share. No one has ever escape from it. Your life is limited, so don't waste it living someone else life. Don't be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others opinion drown out your inner voice.
And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
Mr. Steve Jobs
this, about us. from me, to leo.
宠物
習慣了熱愛 從來不覺得我會被期待
你卻會給我 隨時一個擁抱心花滿開
靠在門前為我冀待 賣弄著小可愛
已令人完全 忘掉為何感概
就算再重要 原來緊要不過抱在懷內
對你再寵愛 從來不致使我攀山涉海
世上原來除你以外 並沒甚麼可愛
你在旁徘徊 連他都可放開
還是你比他懂得親我
比他依戀我 甚麼都需要我
無奈你有多麼討好我 未可開花結果
陪著你比他簡單好過
甚麼都聽我 比我更加傻
他不必抱我 他不必愛我 他不必有我
未試過為你 愁眉苦臉等你抱在懷內
卻試過因你 搖頭擺尾使我高聲喝彩
世上原來除你以外 並沒甚麼可愛
你在旁徘徊 連他都可放開
習慣了熱愛 從來不覺得我會被期待
你卻會給我 隨時一個擁抱心花滿開
靠在門前為我冀待 賣弄著小可愛
已令人完全 忘掉為何感概
就算再重要 原來緊要不過抱在懷內
對你再寵愛 從來不致使我攀山涉海
世上原來除你以外 並沒甚麼可愛
你在旁徘徊 連他都可放開
還是你比他懂得親我
比他依戀我 甚麼都需要我
無奈你有多麼討好我 未可開花結果
陪著你比他簡單好過
甚麼都聽我 比我更加傻
他不必抱我 他不必愛我 他不必有我
未試過為你 愁眉苦臉等你抱在懷內
卻試過因你 搖頭擺尾使我高聲喝彩
世上原來除你以外 並沒甚麼可愛
你在旁徘徊 連他都可放開
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