Bye 2012, truly

Yeaaa so it is about an hour to greet a new year. And bye 2012, truly.

No no to crazy countdown this year. Not even years before this. Too young (ahemmm) to go 10 9 8 ..... 2 1. This is unbelievable!

At a cozy place, with mojito and baby school friends. Got a guy doing microbiology majoring immunology sitting right in front of me now. I just spent my precious 2 minutes listening to lotsa craps on protein structures fragmenting some damn DNA for the ultimate vaccination research. Urrgghhh... Noob. *blek

There goes last day of 2012. With happiness comes serenity.

Happy 2013. Live Life Love. Lots of metta.

when I sleep tonight..

When I sleep tonight, let there be pouring rains cleansing dirts of doubt.

When I sleep tonight, let there be singing nightingale humming songs of wayfarer.

When I sleep tonight, let there be ray of lights shining way through those darkest moments.

When I sleep tonight, let there be dreams catchers reliving fairytales in reality.

When I sleep tonight, let there be moths of warmth caressing every coldness within.


When I reach, be sure that I'm there.
When I wake up, be sure that I'm back.

Bye 2012 @ Thai

Destination - Koh Phangan
25 12 2012

40 mins of speed boat ride, rough with rather big waves. It is the well known (and well sought after) Full Moon Party along the coast line. Felt like we are at some euro country because the whole damn beach was swamped with kwai-lo s and kwai-mui s. *slurppsss

Highlight - mushroom juice. That got my stomach turned ( and head too) *winky

Just any regular big party lots of booze and lots of people. KO-ed and left the island by 1am. *phewww that was tiring

Back to Samui and hanging at Chaweng for some more Thai yummylicious, hopefully good massage too!

Bye 2012 @ Thai

Destination - Koh Samui
24 12 2012

How did we get there? Mini bus! :) Seriously it was an enjoyable 6 hours ride. The mini bus passed many different villages of different cultures. I think I saw animism in Buddha's kingdom. Awesome. And met with a Colombian guy (geek) named Samir (what, I thought Samuel). Ya very geek. But not too geeky yet cos he dared to travel solo SEA. But yes, he looked geek-ed. I say so cos this is my blog (me bad). *chuckles

Checked in Samui Cliff View Resort. As the name goes, our room is seated at the cliff, over looking Samui open sea. A swimming pool to add the feel. And jacuzzi also with sea view, but we didn't use yet. Hmmm yenny don't like that soaking feeling. Skin moisture gone la. *yawn yenny is boring :P

Dinner time was such pleasure for my taste buds. We landed at an authentic local resto where even the locals throngs in nonstop. We had papaya salad(super chilli spicy! Didn't carry on cos we couldn't feel our lips later), green curry beef, tomyam kung, kangkong (no no spicy thank gawd), pineapple fried rice - yenny's all time favorite !!! Minus the papaya salad, please.

Xmas gift - SHE Blossomy. Loved it to the max. A thoughtful gift is heavenly. And when SHE album is concerned, it's nirvana ! *obsessive

Also.. a xmas gift mistaken for a proposal. Or was that a proposal mistaken for a xmas gift? Figured it out, it didn't matter. Leo said yes, in cloud form. Me? Still figuring out if merry me and marry me, rhymes?

Bye 2012 @ Thai

22.23 12 2012
Destination - Hatyai
13hours of sleep-wake-sleep train ride. Surprisingly, I wasn't lethargic, just a little blur. Reach Hatyai and checked in New Season with no hassle. Highlight- I had my favorite McD Samurai Pork burger and yummylicious Pineapple Pie. Loving it! Then a little of walkaround and it started to drizzle. We stumbled across thai coconut drink tasted like milk and can't forget the crystal jade guava! and now, here we landed our feet for goodie thai massage. So look forward tonight !

Rainy Hatyai night.. All sleep and no play. But better things sizzling up tomorrow!

Opportunities are hidden blessings !

I am at a pub where talented people sing for a living. When we talk about earning monies, I doubt if there are heavy burdens just like any regular work we (or I) would have. But I saw passion. Very heartfelt passion, as if there is only enjoyment in every notes of music there is.

I wanted to learn an instrument for Dad's birthday bash. Til now it remained as a thinking, just at the back of my head. No realization yet. I wondered why....

So much love is not sufficient? When you love to do something, passion follows.

Just like them now. I'm sure they love their job. Passionately involved.

It is time to act, enough with thinking yen!

Research, understand and act upon. I wish I'd still remember this the moment I say Good Morning to myself tomorrow.

I can write so I'm happy. I can fulfill so I'm blessed. Thank you, opportunities.

got it .. !

ya. Because when you smile without a reason, that means there's something wrong... In your head especially =P

别人笑我太疯癫，我笑别人看不穿

yerrrr .. old skool !

ordinary people, extraordinary tale

I have always considered myself boring. Or less intrigued. Drop dead ordinary. Referring to a few conversations with someone that I would want to share my life with; I find my stories do make full-stop punctuation a lil too early. Like this article. I can’t possibly write a lot of other things. Things evolving me are only “this this and that that, and something like that” – mom’s language, need high tantric people to decode. *chuckles

But yea... I’d love to listen more than anything else. Or at times when I am done with listening, I’d observe. Or I can be doing both things concurrently, if the subject is really an interesting person that worth (both) my senses. And after all digestion of sensory enjoyment, all I could do is penning it down. Maybe this is not MY blog. This is YOUR blog. So much of my thoughts, expressions and experiences come from external rendezvous with every remarkable people that crossed my paths.

Too many beautiful stories I’ve penned here are collectively from beautiful people.

This month about ignorance and trusts, brought me to tour the innumerable limits of humanity. I have tasted that bittersweet distance of unawareness, even to some downright theory of bridging relationships. And that cue about trusts and beliefs, it was presented to me from some special homosapien that really ‘made’ my day with nothing but surprises unwelcomed. Although not very tasteful, but these things ordinary people gave, I received extraordinarily.

It was also profound when sunetra came alive and a special girl went through it with me. She was definitely more excited (or less excited with the concept of pain) and painted my regular boring day with colors. And this crappy guy that announced his Victory over his dream girl….I did a time-travel back to my teenager days! I thought only teenage boys do those kind of ‘animalistic’ announcement after getting their ‘prey’. But he did it once again, right before my eyes, and I was impressed. He tells me, excitement cum true love still exists – you just have to revive it. And then, that boring night of red-wines was cheered up by him! P/s: He was drunk on beer and shots--didn’t he…? No wonder lar so gungho! *blek

And what can I say about ronnystein -- all sorts of happiness, thankfulness and (of course!) also lame & mischievous episodes that I would never imagine could happen to me, is all happening in most fascinating ways. And definitely, it takes mutual effort to maintain this synergy. There are countless possibilities to limited abilities. Just like the (dumb) rule I’ve set for my bedding. I was vulnerable and all these years, I tried to suppress it with all the ‘buddies’ on my bed. Until the special first presence last night, I felt that I do have to relax and allow more possibilities to happen. Maybe it was disbelief, but that’s the inner truth about me. And do I have to make it clear I was weird? *geez

I cannot go through every month or person and make a summary. I am not good in summarization because I would end up writing another full fledge story out from the summary. Damn~

So this is dedicated to all beautiful people out there. My life was boring because I am not an initiator to make parties, events or conversations. But for each and every outing, gathering, or even through all your sensible chats – Yenny has got so much to write. And definitely as I write, I am a happier person.

Ordinary people, extraordinary tale….exclusively me! *winky

leo-moments now!

Can I say, this year end craze at work is finally over now? Who likes year end rush? Talking about work here, not shopping! Okay, I'm never a number person, and I'm mostly lazy to count discounted price while shopping. Get it? And there I struggled Budgeting Planner 2013 for the past few (disastrous) days. I am still lethargic now!

I need a good holiday, and I'm having it next week! Wheeeee..... Heavenly!

Miao miao Leo,
Remember my last trip to Bangkok and I got you the camouflage green shirt? You didn't get the chance to wear it. I wonder where did mom chucked it away. I've said that I would buy you something every Bangkok trip, because doggie clothes are so pricey at KL! Now... Hmmm.... Well okay. So how are you at Doggie Land huh? Miss you. Thinking of you! Thinking of us.

You will love to see the changes in me lately. If you are here, I'd bring you to my Little Nest, there's a swimming pool at rooftop! Ok maybe you don't like it there. But you can come in and stay with me. I can get you toilet trained and maybe at that corner I can make your sleeping mat. You love to cuddle and keep warm in cotton cloths right?

Or maybe you are still around, everything will never be the same as now. All events do really happen for a reason. You will only share moments with me in this very short term, because you came to my life to teach me what's thankfulness is all about. That nothing is permanent, but be thankful for every moment.

I am thankful for that special bonding you have given me, Leo. We never talked any language we both know, but you have never walked away at my lonely times. It is still very very touching when I remember, that night when I cried, you came and place your paw on my hands and rested your head on my lap. This, was beyond words. More than love.

Thanks, leo for coming into my life and leaving me with such priceless memories.

I have moved on. I have found Happiness. Now, leo... I want you to continue watching over me from Doggie Land so you will know if I have been loved truly.

It counts 12.12.12!

Everybody must be celebrating this date since yesterday. Me? I dozed off at dunno-wat-time. Until I received that lovely ding-dong call, and spent the only moment of 12.12.12 00:01 in sleepy head mode. *blush

I am now taking a hiatus from some meaningless row at work. I need a breather. Here I am at CBTL holding my a hot mocha latte and esse, chillaxing.

Until I spotted this piece of paper (or trash?) under the table. Yes I was nosy. I saw some chinese words, and I explored further. Meaningful, isn't it? Who on earth want to disown this? Or is this somehow dedicated to me?

Dear stranger,
Whatever situation you are in now, I wish you all happiness and pinky health. Only with these, you will draw yourself nearer to your dreams each day. If you are hurt or failed in love, don't fret. Love yourself more each day, just like how you want him/her to love you. In return, count your blessings and be thankful always.
Thank you for this note. You have made my day more special. And I hope someone will make your day too, with so much joy. Live Life Love.

Stranger, sorry I can't write chinese. But I know your notes, it is meaningful!

Happy 12.12.12 everyday.

Ignorance is bliss?

Carelessness is a form of attitude.

The way of life in simplest yet individualistic state. There are no boundaries to any actions made because nobody sets any parameters whatsoever. Considerations are only prerequisite but decisions are instant. But if you are in the game, therefore, ignorance is bliss?

Timeless event is a form of masterpiece.

Never stay put in any time track because it will be slowing paces down. The master of every nanoseconds, time is fragmented to such degree and never look back. Assuming everybody only has 24 hours, the masterpiece travels time in eternities. Never ending...like there isn't a need to make a hitch stop. Never tired...because time is always adequate for self recharge. But if you are in the game, therefore, ignorance is bliss?

Silent prayer is a form of unspoken love.

Not every dew drop of affection reaches the earth for nurturing. So much of morning mists locking the penetration of sunlight, but yet mesmerizing to the beholder. It will be most unnatural to force the cycle of nature, because it is matter of time that a careless whisper sets in to clear the way. But who contemplates such unspoken love? Only a silent prayer, that's all. But if you are in the game, therefore, ignorance is bliss?

VinYann's 1st Doctor visit

VinYann was screaming out loud when I reach home after work today. Face was strawberry red, with real tears! There must be some discomfort, and Carol was worried. I was worried too, definitely.

And so VinYann met with Dr. Chen, the pediatrician. The most elaborated and precise in every words he spoke; me and Carol was pleased with his speech. Some doctors like to murmur, just like their writings. Nobody can read a doctor's writing, not?

Of course, there wasn't any seriously wrong with VinYann. Just a little colic. She will be a cutie pie again blinky eye!

And so I've concluded, parenthood is never an attempt for clueless adults. This is not just a decision you make out of wit or curiosity. This is a decision made for a lifetime. A responsibility to carry with much joy and pleasure eternally.

you Believe in Trust?

You don’t go running across the board and says Trust Me, and turn your back doing all sorts of nonsense. You’d give yourself a lighter note if all you’ve said was Believe Me, and still continue doing that nonsense. This weighs down a hell lot of effort, especially the effort to maintain a trust.

It is a whimsical action when all expectations are laid down to a trustee in the most awkward situation. Trust, is a sort of conviction, reliance and immeasurable faith to a defined thought, action or even a person. When these ingredients go overboard, all you lose is not only broken trust. You lose hope. Not surprisingly, you lose all connections in the speed of sound. Mind me, not speed of light. It takes a lot of bravery to acknowledge there is no longer any trust, just a speck of treacherous dust. This takes time.

Hence, let’s all get down naked from such elevated paradigm today. Rather than putting or laying your trust…just says -- I’d believe in that something-whatsoever-you-have-promised-to-deliver. See? This sound so much breezy! Believing offer more personal space for speculations. I’d believe you with a sense of doubt. Ta-da!

With fewer expectations, you get less attached. While you control your attachments, you get more control over your emotions. And ultimately, you are not afraid to get kicked with some harsh reality come-what-may. Yes, easy? Not quite.

I was so affected, that’s why all these craps are written here. If I have stronger verbal communication skill, I would have slapped all these words straight to your face. I didn’t because I’m not a good talker, and I made a promise to remain my composure and be at peace in my most agitated moment. You were lucky. Blek!

... blushed !

I was already looking at a blank page for awhile. This should be the very first moment when I have millions of thoughts but couldn't find a proper sentence to describe. I've lost all powers of words manipulation.

Ok. Take a breather, yen. Just let the words flow.

I saw Helena at the receptionist area, and she looked as sweet as she always do. But, wait ... that bouquet from Kechara Blooms? Gosh. Full stop. Loss of words from this juncture onwards.

So much love. Every moment counts. I'd say it again, and again... I'm thankful to have you, Ron.

the beginning to an end

Here comes 1st Of December. Awkward. It feels that end of 2012 is approaching, but everything had just begun. At least, for me.

It is a wholesome chapter of revolution. Good things lost and found, in the most unexpected but inspiring ways. I am not counting the blessings as yet, because when good things become tangible...desires to own sets in. I can't confirm where is this heading, but sparingly building pathways that leads to needs of predetermined happiness.

It is beyond words to describe..some kind of possession that you get, but never owned. Hmmm... No, it shouldn't be pen this way. Not about possession. More like a different entity, but synergies had merged things together. And at some time, hopes are encouraging for a good blend of acquisition.

If I remained skeptical and maintained a distance, this beginning shall never end? I will take the chances, yes I do.

Oh monday!

"I am having problems to solve their problems" says the Claims Officer

"There is a mechanical consideration to solve this interpersonal issue within my team" says the Software Engineer.

"My loading authorities are stopping my abilities to underwrite excess" says the Underwriter

Walao, I had such challenging conversations with high tantric people just on Monday morning. I reckon time will pass very quickly this week, because of all these unbelievable people with indisputable thoughts.

Gawd, save my weary soul !!

let's talk about.....

没那么简单 就能找到聊得来的伴
尤其是在看过了那么多的背叛
总是不安只好强悍
谁谋杀了我的浪漫

感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话 随便听一听
自己作决定

不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上关上了手机 舒服窝在沙发里


My little nest may not be ready so soon. I did let out a little sigh, feeling a rush of disbelief that apart from waiting it is still waiting. And right in the middle of exhaling my bubble thoughts, this song came to my player. And when it comes to the phase 一杯红酒配电影 在周末晚上关上了手机 舒服窝在沙发里 I think happiness may not be too far away because I know I am already working on it. I can already imagine my mystical purple theme living room, dim yellow downlights and this certain scent that soothes my breathing scheme. I don't know what scent it is, I am still looking for a name to it. Don't ask me why sometimes I would steal some sniff over body odor, because I think the most natural scent is individualistic. I am always looking for a scent that only belongs to someone, and that is ultimatum. Weird? Hmmm I am not sure. But I didn't care.

And I am growing more fondness to chilling red, because I like the after taste of it. I don't get the wine glass rolling on the table, nor I smell the red as if I know what different smell they have. I don't even get it when people need to swirl the red in the glass, what do they see? I don't know red too well, but I love red. I love the lingering mystery it brings to the emotion, unlike other wine that brings me to a foreign place. YES, I got it. Red brings me home. That's the feeling.

But I still want to have a little mojito when it is burning hot, like now. Refreshing.

Okay I am getting a little disorientated now. Was I talking about the house, the red, or the little naughty mojito that keeps reminding me -- about...........

hmmmmmmmm..........

Sunetra @live

I want to sincerely thank Sherine Chin for all these years. Not only today, but especially today. You have been such a darling throughout the years, and superbly sweet today. You have witnessed one of the most important moment of my life, a permanent moment. Thanks for being here, and did such heartwarming sisterly activity with me today. Just the two of us, and you have seen Sunetra, @live.

Sunetra : Alluring looks, appealing eyes.

But this is not the essence. It means alot, because this is my Buddhist name given by Rev K Sri Dhammananda when I take refuge in the Triple Gems. A name I carry forever, true flesh and blood.

Artenus. Means nothing. Just the reverse of sunetra but ain't it sounded more chic! Lols

More to share about Sunetra @live when i am more ready. Now, it is my personal time of reminiscence.

The Preface

This blog is not for anyone to stipulate any baseless understanding you have about me. Don’t make assumptions because you are comfortable implying your personal thoughts to a separate entity. Don’t create a shadow and paint it with your own colors.

Memoirs of that long lost myth

Our daily events are built up from various experiences we have in life. Those experiences slowly accumulate to make a history, beholding our past actions. Those past actions depict one’s karma; where the causes and effects directly touch your daily life experiences again. This cycle goes round and round, and this memoir eventually settles in.

This is my land of unspoken words. This is an open space for all my thoughts and abilities for expression. There is no hidden terms and conditions, because every drop of lexis denotes all my purest feelings. This is my handmade myths, such stories collectively.

It is all about encoding and decoding. The happiest moment alive is when communication take-off in the most authentic wavelength.

yours sincerely !

Ginseng honey and sore-throat medicine, all the way to my working place. These are not things you think I'd get out of a convenience store. Those are indications that I've been truly blessed and grateful for.

Appreciation is heartfelt gratitude. It is a sign of knowing a mystical dimension where true feelings reign.

I am truly thankful to have you, Ron.

11.11.2012

The buddies are giggling over some steamy issue they did yesterday. And I was like... -.- and what kind of drama am I missing here? Hey I am not letting them freezing me with some indispensable topics uptown!


Ok Ok....so it was a double 11 yesterday...or double double 1...or they call it the perfect 1-1 ? Huh, did I see some soccer score here??.....I love my mojito...!! hey hunk, mind to serve me that house red as well...? This place is too comfortable to talk numbers, not?

Copy & Paste an edited note I wrote in year 2009.11.11. I think I am a psychic. I already know 11.11 will make a special date way back in 2009...

Today is 11th November 2009....denotes 11.11. Let's see what perspective I have on this date...I was busy adjusting gaming odds today when I suddenly told my team mate that we have a very special date today. 11.11 And such, I began to imagine could there be anything special happening to me after work. Things like, a handsome guy come up to me and ask me for a date, or a special pre-arranged outing with friends, or even maybe, I mean just maybe, I'll meet with that cute Eurasian bloke that lives at 11th Floor somewhere at the lobby and he says hi to me!

Well, well...all the above ---- did not happen. The number 1 means alone for singles, and therefore a lonely me today.....

Buckle up, sleep early la, day dreamer....

Geez, was THAT bad in year 2009...?? Awww...do I sound like a boring freak?? There wasn't any write-up about 10.10.2010 cos I couldn't find any in my blog. Maybe the same happened, the "day" just passed without me knowing. Or maybe I am not born romantic. OR maybe there is no one enhancing the essence of need to celebrate any special date for a special reason.

Like today, if I can just raise my glass and says cheers to the perfect red I am holding...who gives a darn if it is any repeated numbered date or year? Don't you think it is the nature of feelings that counts rather than any other 24 hours that you and I share equally? Ok, I am sure those rose sellers or gifts shops are cursing me back there because now I can see some girls chirping happily over flowers that is supposed to still bloom after a week from today.

Darlings, impermenance! Just like those flowers! That bunch is an indicator telling you, beauties don't last. But lovely memories do stay. And happiness do evolve. Contentment from trust, faith and good vibe sharing. This should happen everyday, not only 11.11 or somewhat~

Geez, they must think I was very dry. No one is enjoying my mindfulness here. They say I am such a turn-off tonight. But not...I was just trying to make sense. Okay, buddies. I'd follow the conversation about 12.12.2012. This is even more heated, right? If I did forgot, will you remind me and we will all sit here again together? What? I went to the wrong channel again??

hmmmppphhh....fine. That hunk is walking towards me holding my second serving. BLEK! and before I down that bon vin...I miss 小Ron子. Cheers!

Way back into Life

Namo Guru-beh. Namo Buddha-ya. Namo Dhamma-ya. Namo Sangha-ya.
I take refuge in the Guru. I take refuge in the Buddha. I take refuge in the Dhamma. I take refuge in the Sangha.

Sadhu.Sadhu.Sadhu.

I was brought up in a Mahayana teachings environment; mom would recite her Da Bei Zhou every morning. I woke up to the echoing sound of the mantra, but I didn’t have any more second thoughts to it. I grew up remembering fondly of the teachings dad passes on to me, which I think until today, a definite Way of Living in Buddhism. I’ve learned when I was a kid, which daddy taught me, that we are all living Buddha. We are all precious stones within, either unpolished or waiting to be. Or we could even resemble ourselves like the lotus, blooming gracefully amidst the musky pond. Frankly, I didn’t think that far ahead of me when I was that wimpy kid. I just think, there must be a reason for all things to fall in place, and if I am not rejoicing life at certain moments; that’s karma calling. And I was always asking a lot of ‘why’…’why’…’why’….

My best Buddhist moments came when I was a teenager; when I was submitted into Buddhist Institute Sunday Dhamma School (BISDS) Sayonara Camp. It was Sayonara Camp because it was year-end camp, and we are supposed to learn saying goodbye to our short lived defilements and desires. It was pure magical, when I met with K Sri Dhammananda. When K Sri Dhammaratana came to our camp and gave talks. When we had to wake up wee hours in the morning for puja but we were all fresh and alert. Those were the days. One of those moments I’d love to remember forever, because that is when I took my first step in embracing Theravada Buddhism. I was named Sunetra, and forever will be.

And then, I came to believe Buddhism is naturally scientific. It is naturally tailored to our daily lives and Dhamma is everywhere around us. I don’t go to the temple or the museum to look for Dhamma, I just need to look within, inwardly. And scientifically straightforward where questions are answered in a structured way, directly truthful. Or maybe there is more to this, I have yet to discover.

And you’d think I must be religiously contented now, with that ring on top of my head? No. I was lost in transition, for quite some years. Well, I am still very much a Buddhist within, but I couldn’t care less to progress. I entered into that comfortable zone to only practice the fundamentals and kept myself wrapped in that status. Once awhile when I had questions popped in my weary mind, I’d shove it off because I felt I already had too many ‘why’ in other areas. I don’t want to think. Not any further. And all these ignorance only prove that, I am not living the Buddhism life. I am allowing myself to lack behind.

And I am blessed yet again yesterday. There must be some tinee-winee merits I’ve accumulated and shared at sometime, and soon good karma leads me to Tibetan Buddhism. Kechara. The Buddha’s field of Vajrayogini. It was Awe-some. And apart from feeling ecstatically blessed to cross path with Buddhism again, the ‘why’ are all coming back to me. I had so many thoughts in my mind, and when I was toured around the premise I couldn’t stop thinking. There were mixed emotions over-pouring like nervousness, excitement and curiosity. Okay, that three ingredients sounds odd if mixed together, and gawd knows I was equally amazed. It was a moment of contemplation – knowing I’m home to Buddhism again but yet poignant to know I was lost before this.

I don’t know what this encounter would bring to me in near future. But I am eager to re-discover if I am fated to. About fate, Buddhism had brought someone to me and I hoped this is a true blessing. I believe this is an exquisite blessing.

Proud announcer !

It was extreme hectic 2-days battle at work. 430am. 830pm. Okay, I made escape around 7-ish but that was already tremendous tiredness. Mind you, I woke up at 3-ish. Or did I sleep after all?

I crawled out a bit from the working cave today. So I finally got time to respond to a group whatsapp chat that I've silenced earlier.

Group chat topic. I've Got Her!! by an overly excited homosapien on earth. Just because he got the girl he wanted very much (and well of course head over heels with) and succeeded after a few dangerous stunt attempts. Well not stunts, but maybe dangerous. Cos if she said no, I'd worry he would commit suicide. Or try to die and it will be another agenda at Whatsapp.

No doubt, I was very happy for him. In fact, never seen or heard him so serious over a risky investment ( he said it, not me). At least, he raised my brows for being serious once. Good charisma. Or maybe it was fruitful because he was serious. I remembered that girl he hit at Xmas, it ended before CNY! Hmmm... That's risky investment.

And so, my last message to him moments ago... It's easy to get a girl, but only real man is able to keep a girl ! And he replied.. Ok yen babe, will keep into fridge's freezer. 4eva fresh n tingling cold! Yeah, dat was crap cos I'm into her. U worry me too much. Save $ for wedding gift! ....
Omg,,guys never change. Joker this fella.

Okay, Bro. I know you come to Memoir sometimes (during your M moments right, jerk :P).
I was trying to say, it's easy to start a relationship. I want to see you maintaining it this time. A guy she truly deserve is someone enjoying the process of maintaining the relationship.

You can. I know. And you will still be our dearest jerk-ass!!

Encoding and Decoded.

Happiness today. 20121104. Yes, this is about YOU!


Leo, I hope you are with me (us) at this moment. Do you remember when I came back from Makati, and there was so much happiness when I'm with you? It's the same kind of happiness today, and even more--something I've kept aside for awhile. And when I'm least anticipating, it comes right to me. And just feel all right about it. Leo, you must have been watching me very closely and I believe your every thoughts have been so mesmerizing that made my day, today.

Even though it feels a bit weird, but it's definitely right. There is no perfect moment. Just the right moment.

Courtesy reminder for a courteous life

It's pouring again tonight. Rainy season it may seem, but this a great time to rain. Because I am finally settling in for some self contemplation again. The rain didn't just start yesterday, but only tonight I think I'm ready again.

There is no perfect moment. Just the right moment.

I want reality to knock on me more often. No, I wasn't locked up in some kind of weird mansion waiting for prince charming. I'm not a princess and I don't want to be. I am real, genuinely not a fairytale fan.

I am just ordinary. Real ordinary out of ordinaries. I came from a small family, not extremely rich but not poor enough to suffer. Ordinary. I didn't grow up super naughty but definitely not that noob geek next door. Ordinary. I didn't date for trillion times in my blossoming age, but I rode on good game of love roller-coaster. Ordinary. I am not that smart ass above career ladders but I think my earnings are compatible to my contributions. Ordinary.

So? I'm not here to prove I'm ordinary either. I am afraid that things have been so-so all these years because I was never told the truth. That ugly truth.

I don't want anymore 'you will be fine' or 'things are not that bad' and 'alright okies dokies'. And just when you turn your back you'd give a sly smile and say... Look at this loser. She thinks God must be spending more time on her??

Yes. You can come up to me and tell me I am a jackass. Or say I didn't spend enough time for caring moments. Or you are so fed up with my opinion-less nonsense. Throw me a tantrum because I didn't know how to express myself. Or give me a wake up slap because I didn't know you loved and care.

Give me a knock knock on my conscious.

I just want a true courtesy reminder. I was lost, because all of you have hidden me somewhere very very comfortable. I was delighting those moments for so long, that I am numb of any more affections. Tell me that I am imperfect, and I deserve another chance to wrong again. I can be crazy trying to love again, and if I really did fall nuts over it, at least I've loved.

Just a true courtesy reminder. Naturally. Beautifully.

Pleasure of pain

I love wedges. Or platforms some may call it. But I think those are wedges because platforms are 180 degrees flat but wedges gives you curves. Wedges works like any high heels or stilettos effect, but less risky because it balances the gravity pull. I love wedges, at least 2 inches type.

I've been fetish-ing about wedges since I came back from Makati. I got my very first pair at CK and hadn't stop buying whenever I spot a fancy pair.

This black classic wedges I loved so much from Charles Keith, I finally wear today. Gosh, all confidence over pouring on me and I felt good. Until it bites me and left bristles at all soft spots of my tiny feet.

I have loved it too much to bear the pain. People say, you must bite it first before it starts biting you. No matter how much beauty it adorns, pain comes when you allow it to empower you.

If I knew how to be less vulnerable to the attachments, I wouldn't feel so much pain now. I could have just said, if pain is what you will bring to me, I am much better left without having you. At least, I wouldn't allow a single chance for your deceitful beauty to bite me.

Or could it be better if I learned to bite you first before you bites?

With this pain, will I give up on wedges? No. Because not all wedges will bite.

doggie got mail !

Hey Leo,

How's doggie land, so far? If I need to think of you, I'd close my eyes and imagine... Green soft grass, meadow all over the mountains. Cool breeze eloping rainbows and marshmallow clouds. All doggies will eventually meet their human friends there...one fine beautiful day...

That beautiful day, will surely come.

Baby has arrived last month, and now she is 1 month 4 days old. Ho Vin Yann...she looked almost alike Gary, except for her eyes, like Carol. Beautiful baby, having all fair values and resemblance from both daddy and mommy. I think she will surely love you, Leo. When she is older, I will tell her all about you. How you brought joy and laughter to all of us before Vinyann join in the family. Vinyann must know, a pet so dear to us, and how much this pet means to us. And Vinyann must learn gratitude, thankfulness and contentment, all sorts of lovely memories Leo had brought to us. You were part of family, and always will. Vinyann loves you too, Leo. Vinyann already love you when she was in her mother's womb.

Me? You know how I have been. You could always hear me from above, didn't you. I chose a new path of life, but I wasn't brave like how I used to. Until today, I am still having countless fear inside. Afraid that I will fail all those promises I've made, afraid of the uncertainties, afraid of my own cowardliness within...but honestly, I am already lethargic of so many agenda. I don't have extra time to be afraid. Just march ahead, and come what may. Life is vulnerable. By the end of that single breath, all will be gone and my journey continues at doggie land with you. Pinky swear, we will live a good life until we meet again.

Two steps back, One step forward

Mom's 58th birthday on 20120913. I have instructed all Ho members to be available on 14th, and I got a vegetarian green tea tiramisu for her. Mission was to surprise her at sifu's place after her Friday puja. All were ready to be in action. Except me. I had work last minute and couldn't make it on time.

So I know a lil bitsy about technologies. I made a sound record singing Happy Birthday song and some act cute wishes for her. I have delegated Joyce Ho to play the voice clip. I bet mom was happy, and the rest finds it entertaining. I am very satisfied with my backup plan. And I think I sound good in voice records.

I don't hate my family actually. Despite several rows and refute I had in my earlier blogs, I really sounded like unfilial crap didn't I?

No. I love my parents. I just don't enjoy my living style evolving around them anymore. Maybe I have out-grown myself, or two years of makati independence had molded me into who I am now.

Like this sort of birthday arrangement, even without my presence; there was so much love in a simple way. Of course I want to be there if I didn't need to work, but the contrary didn't turn out disastrous, wasn't it? I imagined, if I am not living under same roof, any ad-hoc togetherness can be even more heart warming!

Wanting to move out is not leaving them alone. I am leaving myself alone, because I know how much of a jackass I can be sometimes. I hope a simple retreat can prepare more space to build a loving base. I am not leaving you, dad mom. I am just away for moments of self contemplation, so we can truly enjoy the companionship that come along the way. We are not lovers or husband-wife. No children will divorce their parents.

There is no ending to our relationship, because no matter where I am, your true flesh and blood follows in me. Your blessings are my best encouragement.

I don't know family matters

On this very morning, right in the heat of bustling city polluted with endless traffics; I keep on asking -- May I know when will I be dead ?

If I have an expire date in 10 years from now, what would I do?

I would resign from my job today, go somewhere no one knows me and makes sure no one to echo anymore craps into my weary soul.

I don't see much joy in living when you are tired of life, and one factor contributing is your own family. Go out to work, hate your job but you need that paycheck. Hate your boss but there will always be someone ahead you. Hate your colleagues but they comes in packages, your boss included. After work, you've got friends? They come in all shapes and sizes, all masked within their own capabilities. Don't like work, don't like friends? Go home!

But I don't want to go home. I don't want to be home. It is same suffocating. I thought of killing my brother when I was a teenager but shrugged it off; maybe I was too immature then. But now, despite not killing him, I still don't see why I need to like him. And my parents; if they love him so much, why even care to have me? My being is never a subject of importance, because I am always accommodating. And if I am rebellious for a moment, am I the black sheep immediately?

At this moment, I just want to run away. I may not run, maybe take a flight to a far away place. I just want to be away for a long long time. I just don't want to see them. I just want to be alone. I just want them to leave me alone.

Legacy

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that keep me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love.

If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right. If today were the last day in my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today? And if the answer has been a 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything, all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way to avoid the trap of thinking you've got something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

But, no one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want die to get there. And yet death is the destination we share. No one has ever escape from it. Your life is limited, so don't waste it living someone else life. Don't be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others opinion drown out your inner voice.

And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Mr. Steve Jobs

this, about us. from me, to leo.

宠物
習慣了熱愛　從來不覺得我會被期待
你卻會給我　隨時一個擁抱心花滿開
靠在門前為我冀待　賣弄著小可愛
已令人完全　忘掉為何感概

就算再重要　原來緊要不過抱在懷內
對你再寵愛　從來不致使我攀山涉海
世上原來除你以外　並沒甚麼可愛
你在旁徘徊　連他都可放開

還是你比他懂得親我
比他依戀我　甚麼都需要我
無奈你有多麼討好我　未可開花結果

陪著你比他簡單好過
甚麼都聽我　比我更加傻
他不必抱我　他不必愛我　他不必有我

未試過為你　愁眉苦臉等你抱在懷內
卻試過因你　搖頭擺尾使我高聲喝彩
世上原來除你以外　並沒甚麼可愛
你在旁徘徊　連他都可放開

Go on fuck up my life

24/8 0525pm
Markus last day in office. He's back to germany tomorrow. I don't really know him super well. Maybe we chatted a lil bit plus some hi and bye, but we are definitely not friends. But because he is kwai-lo and damn he got light blue eyes, all girls my floor went hooo-arrr taking pictures with him and posted at Fb. Me? I'd rather go down and smoke. As I puffed, I say. I'm not a hypocrite. I don't fake myself too much. Then why is that so difficult for people to be straightforward to me? What, sort of domino effect? Can someone walk up to me and say, hey woman...you want some space. Ok, I'll step out, and when you need me, I'll step in again. Problem is, people never really stepped out and gave me fresh air. For those who really did step out, never come back.

24/8 0710pm
Me: so your son bringing you out for Jap lunch tmrw?
Dad: depends if you have any program tomorrow?

what connections are there between your son bringing you lunch with I have programs or not? If I have program means you won't go eat is it? Or means I have program I have to cancel so I can tag with you wherever you go is it. Or everything also must got my presence is it. Do you know I am not a kid and there is something called personal time? When can I live a life without someone else shadow? When can I finally make my own time and enjoy myself? For how many years have I lead my life because I need to accommodate to someone else needs? Bobby? You? Joyce? And who's who?

24/8 0858pm
Ruth asked if I want to sing-k tonight. I declined, because I'm tired and I really want to stay home watching Ella and Vic movie. Maybe I'm not in any good mood to go out anyway. But whatever, I chose not to go out. End up? My parents tried not to sleep to accompany me. Lights on in bedroom, maybe even afraid I'd sneak out and prostitute myself?

I have no more clue to this kind of love. I am already allergic to this attention. I hate my parents to this extend, I've lost all metta. Yes go ahead and do all this petty things behind my back. Go and try to snoop info from friends. Go and try to ask around or ask who who to pretend ask me something. Hush hush as much you would like but your voice of concern is blasting in my ears. The more you do all these, the less I will open up. Because all of you are killing me soon. Because I have decided not to say anything. Thanks ? to yourself. Now you should be happy. I'm suffocating myself to death. I should better be dead than this.

that ol' me

Flip flip flip...
I was looking thru some pictures during my tenure at MAA. Hmm..my skin complexion was bad! Dull skin, panda eyes and messy flat hair! Flat hair for certain! Such big forehead. Shouldn't have sided my fringe like that.

Flip flop flip flop...(flop??!?)
Hello Makati, here Yen comes. Hey I looked different. Hair much longer, gosh I looked fairer! Radiant to certain extend. It must be that holidaying adventurous hormone blossoming in me. That's why I feel better within, and it shows from my face.

I missed those long hairs. I missed looking feminine. I missed playing with my hair when I'm bored....

I missed those moments when I feel good within, it radiates thru every smile I have. Even when I break down, it was worth crying out loud. Lately, I couldn't even force a tear. I didn't even have the courage to acknowledge my emptiness within. Because, even if I'm not happy, and so?

your story baits me

"it only took 6 months to forget 4 years. And there I was, still concerned and putting up with this shit because of you. 我真的对不起我自己" -- Ariel Hay

I know this cute petite girl whose name reminds me of a mermaid, during my Universal Market trip down south. Beautiful eyes, Ariel ! This her Fb post, it made me let out a long sigh. I heart you, gal.

Flash back, I could have said "it only took 2 weeks to forget 6 years". What kind of ratio do we have here?

Everything, living or not, emotional or not, are impermanent. Drop dead vulnerable. It takes nanoseconds to change, for better or worse it's your luck.

Don't be too overjoyed for the happier times now because it won't last. On contrary, don't fret over the agonies and pain you suffer now because it won't stay with you forever.

Glass half full vs half empty philosophy?

It is easier to say it than nike-ing (just do it). Ever tried so hard to forget the pain of missing your loved one? Tried to occupy yourself with countless mind clogging matters just to forget? And when dusk comes, you felt all emotions running over you again. Or when skies are dark and melodic raindrops sounds echoing so damn hard reminding you all over again.

Don't underestimate the power of loneliness. But don't laugh at your own conscious either. Soon you will know it is better to live in reality than touring memories like a lost soul. You will heal and the cycle goes again....

6 months:4 years. 2 weeks:6 years. How many days to forget 3 months, 6 months, etc etc etc....

As I'm counting, damn it rains again.

Manjushri ... is home !

I went to sifu's place to bring my Manjushri home. My Manjushri? Home?

I brought this Manjushri many years ago at mid valley. I couldn't tell why I have extraordinary liking, fondness, respect ... I don't know how to describe in words. I just feel very close to her. Well, there's no him or her, but i prefer to address as 'she' because Manjushri is forever gentle in transcending wisdom. Forever loving.

Just out of wit, I told mom not to keep Manjushri inside the display cabinet anymore. I want to place her at the altar. I want to see her everyday.

And so, mom sent her to sifu's place for chanting and blessings. I tried to be on vegetarian and washed my face with pure milk every morning. Part and parcel of some ritual. Honestly, I was quite rebellious and complained of those fussy rituals at first. I thought all that will distance me from believing because I disapprove fussy rituals.

Tonight, is the night. I had to wear all white, washed my hands with milk before I go to take her. But miracle happened. Despite all the complains I had in my heart earlier over the rituals, I was suddenly lost of words. My heart was racing, I sweat hot and cold, I was nervous.

And the moment I placed her on the altar, I really felt like I knew her. Not for years but centuries. I feel that I must have known her, we must be very close like best friends. I have so much to tell her but my heart was heavy. I didn't know where to start telling. That's why I say I got a feeling like knowing her. It feels like reunion. After very very very long.

I feel that Manjushri is 'home' with me. Gosh, it is so unbelievable and I can continue saying all these feelings the whole night. I feel very very blessed. Very very touched. Truly mesmerizing

Whatever this fate brings, thank you, Manjushri.

Om Ah Ra Pa Tsa Na Dhi

live like dream, dream like life!

It was counting into 11th night of insomnia yesterday. Those sleepless torture elevated on the 4th or 5th day, when I was prescribed with my very first official 0.25mg sleeping pills. I took three consecutively over the weekend, but the disorder relapsed last Monday night. Second round, I was given 7.5mg pills for five nights. I was dumbfounded. I was scared.

All my waking hours felt like a dream.

No one knows how it feels like waking from a sleep induced by drugs. Feels like rather not sleep at all. It was torturing, not to your skin or bones. But poking through your soul, consciousness and alertness.

I had a dream last night. A dream so real like life itself.

I was defeated in a battle, finally. My silent death. How? There was a man in my dream, tall in his shining armour. His body was so bright I couldn't see his face. I was a tiny soldier, gasping for air. I hold on to his foot begging for relief. But he just stood there, ignoring me. I could feel it so real in my dream. My plea was ignored. The pain got more immense, I bled to death. No voices heard around me. It was only silence.

Silence is the absence of noice. Darkness is the absence of light.

I woke up, in total silence, there was no light. At least I could hear my heartbeat. I woke up from a real life, and I will continue to live like I was dreaming.

Good night.

Me & You and a dog named Boo

I remember to this day
The bright red Georgia clay
And how it stuck to the tires
After the summer rain

Will power made that old car go
A woman's mind told me that so
Oh how I wish
We were back on the road again
Me and you and a dog named boo

Travellin' and livin' off the land
Me and you and a dog named boo
How I love being a free man

I can still recall
The wheat fields of St. Paul
And the morning we got caught
Robbing from an old hen

Old McDonald he made us work
But then he paid us for what it was worth
Another tank of gas
And back on the road again

I'll never forget the day
We motored stately into big L.A.
The lights of the city put settlin'
Down in my brain

Though it's only been a month or so
That old car's buggin' us to go
We've gotta get away and get back on
The road again

right here & there waiting

I hate waiting. Wait for things to happen, wait for people to arrive, wait for you to finish errands, wait for you to attain your personal objectives...all these craps I have no interest in whatsoever sense. Ok, I sound like an impatience creek?

Ok re emphasize. I hate to wait when it is avoidable. Plan ahead! Life don't allow too many of unforeseen circumstances, you know. In fact, time just ticks away while waiting. Yeah, and so I should do something resourceful while waiting. Ahem...if I have allocated time to...lets say meet you for discussion, I am prepared to do just that! How to do other things? Or should I always, almost forever think that I am gonna wait & better equip myself?

Wait wait wait...see I am scribbling my blog while waiting. This is resourceful?? This is crap!

24/7 oh my .. Life!

Sometimes, or most of the times.. commitment wears me down. I am made to take up things not because I have to, but because I am convenient to. I have to put up to a lot of expectations during the weekends--what family shopping day, what family lunch day, what family desserts day, what family dinner day, what family groceries day... What fuck day. Family? Me mom dad. Why? Because I am convenient to do all the above, and therefore I am expected to. If there is a day I feel like staying home to chill out? I'll be tagged weird, or isolated. Bank's safe deposit account? My name as secondary. Means I need to, no, I must be ever ready and convenient to run banking errands when I'm needed to. I'd ask why not Gary. Oohh he has a family, not convenient. So I am convenient because I don't have a family. And even I have one later, I am still needed to run errands. Because I was CONVENIENT, remember? And don't remind me about myvi having scratches and several accidents too. This is always a family car (don't asks who pay for the car) and therefore can be used by anyone anywhere. His? Ooh it is forever his new car. So his new car park safely inside the porch, not very new car park outside. So it is CONVENIENT to use, and hence a few scratches here and there is inevitable. What? I wanted to buy another car instead of myvi? Don't dream about it, because his forever-new car is already parked inside, all cars parked outside must be a cheaper car... Wow, this is such a democratic world!

So, you know what? Don't show me a long face when I couldn't avoid the gate and scratched the myvi just now. If all of you had never care how I feel about being treated at home, why care if I get moody and decide to scratch the car myself? You scratch it, I pay. I scratch it, also I pay? So?

Don't remind me about staying out. I didn't forget and I am more agitated than anyone else here. If I have known all these, I would have bought a home 3 years back and safe all agonies now.

Why I didn't buy a house 3 years back? Because I have wasted my time with someone over something else. But I don't want to talk about it any further. Blood pressure rising now..

you, Leo !

Hey, Leo! How are you there? You think I forgot about you? No way! I have coped with life without you and I am doing fine with that. But thinking of you is as sweet as having you around...

You know, the Beagle next door went missing. We don't know if beagle ran away or his master gave him away. But I think he is ok...didn't hear any complaint from his master. Less one doggie in the neighborhood..Sigh

I was watching some clips on youtube about Show and his poodle Babu. Gosh I think all of you look the same. I wonder if I can still recognize you when I meet you there later. You better be calling me the same way you did so I can differentiate you with others ok. But Babu could howl the same way you did tho...just not as loud, maybe Babu is younger. Did your ancestor passes that skill to all of you, huh??

I am just the same since you left. Remember when I cried at your grave, I told you I feel lonely? I haven't stop asking why I feel lost over certain elements in life. I have not stopped searching...but I don't know what I am searching for. Just when I feel exhausted looking thru, I feel agitated over myself. It is like I must have done something very wrong and I don't know what exactly.

I still wish you can greet me at the doorstep. You rest your head on my lap assuring me things are gonna be alright. You want me to carry you and try to kiss my face after all those hidden tears flowed.

There must be some things a pet doggie can do that is irreplaceable by human. It is unconditional love. You never demand, never complain, never betrays. Even til the very last minute, you just wanted to be with me (us) instead of going into the hospital. You know going in, you will never walk out alive. That final step you took, with your heaviest heart. You didn't give me up even at that last moment.

If I could deal with your leaving, I can deal with loneliness. Leo, I am not lonely anymore. I am happy with myself. Much happier....

Garfieldology!

Why use up my positive energy being mad, when all I need to do is practice ignorance!

It was fun when I see you engaging in dumb conversations. All of us know it except you!

Sometimes certain things are really better left unspoken.

small changes makes big evolutions

I am truly a person afraid of being stagnant. If I think I can do better, I would gather resources and try to excel. Luckily I am an aquarius, I don't need comparing myself to others. If not I am already an ego freak today. I just hope to see myself improve, knowing I can grasp my own fate. Knowing my life is truly what I wanted it to be like.

I was never happy at my current company. In that department, to be precise. It is so small that I feel suffocated with every hypocrisy within. If I don't enjoy in my circle, how do I like the other elements at work? So, I feel so much need to change. I didn't agree that I should be settling myself just for the sake of survival. But I cant be too pushy either, because hell yes I need that paycheck every month! Contradicting, eh?? Aquarius!

So I signed for a personal broadband. Means another fixed expense topping up to what I am already paying at home. Boo hoo hoo. But I know clearly there will be things I cannot be petty over. Small investments is unavoidable if I want some new returns. With this fast internet connection, I have updated my resume. Ever ready to make a move, a wiser move with Guardian Angels' blessings. And so, I was contacted by a headhunter. The rest, let's just fingers crossed...hoping that good things do find me. Even if nothing turns out too great, it's ok cos I don't lose anything. I can just keep trying.

Like buying this iPhone...I was called dumb cos they say I should wait for iPhone 5. But hell loose, I don't really care. Now, I can blog everywhere I go with just an app. In fact, this is written via iPhone. I can check mails cos I sync all accounts, no more missed emails!

If I want to change, I must first make amendments to some old habits. If not, where do you think a change begins?

Quotes

Every person carries different patience level. I remember a HK drama quoting "All relationship begin in a messy room. Some jerks away instantly from the mess. Some take chances and try to tidy things up. Others dedicate their whole life making things right again and again..."

Too many of us take things too personally. That messy room is not sole responsibility. No one should be depended on to do the cleaning up, and the other enjoy that comfort zone. This will exhaust the relationship.

That's why, if I have to chase and fight for your attention, eventually I don't want it anymore.

com-mu-ni-cate

"when was the last time you sat down and had a heart to heart conversation with someone?"--Soo Ewe Jin.

I don't know, Eugine. There will be so much to talk about at work, usually moronic topics with people of the same clan. Then it will be too unbearable to speak when I reach home. Well, there can be a word or two with mommy but definitely not in-depth. Or sometimes topics at home is so generalized that I didn't even use my brain, what's more from heart?

But this is not the main barrier to this breakdown chain of communication.

It takes two hands to clap. It take two initiatives to communicate.

My soulmate... I thought I could tell him everything my world beholds... It didn't happen due to distance. Don't remind me about technology, it wont work if you don't click either. It was made rotten by both of us, because there was no initiative to keep communicating. And now, catching up seems a little too late. Not little, but really too late.

I was craving for egg tarts on saturday night so we drove all the way to Connaught for Tong Kee. No more Tong Kee no more egg tarts. Jen asked if I could wait till next morning. No...I don't want it anymore tomorrow but there's no one to blame. The timing just not right there anymore.

If I couldn't communicate then, why care to know it now? It is too late, the chances left, no one to blame. Just don't ask why.... There is no more why...

my alibi is the best evidence

"...a lonely place to be..and so I learned to depend on me. Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all..."

I can finally spell independent into my soul, take up my head and say I have been there, done that. There is a burden on my shoulder all these years, trying to suppress myself. I smile for every vague happiness, and laughed off all hurtful memories. I subcounciously convince myself that I am already at peak, but I've never climbed any mountain at all.

A year had passed, I took my steps. I moved  forward, even farther from where I've stopped earlier. I faced all sorts of ironic happenings life could bring to me. I have never lived stronger than I was ten years back. I didn't tell anyone I needed a coccoon, I want to hide from all those craps. I didn't have the courage, really. I didn't have strength. Really.

By hook or by crook, I bypassed all those craps. I did it myself, and I did it alone. I don't want anyone to come and take the credits away from me. I don't want anyone to come and pull me down to the traven all over again. I don't want to stay put because anyone is not moving forward. I don't even want to slow down just to wait for anyone's pace.

I want to be who I want to be, who I was, how I was -- someone I shaped myself into in just one year's time.

I don't know if I will be lonely, but lonely or not, I will still need to depend on me. And if I should be really lonely, it is even more important that I know how and when to love myself. Even more.

How do I remember...

There and then...things happens...and things made me remember my miao miao poodle Leo. I saw a woman and her daughter carrying a schnauzer....and I cried. Just the same way I used to carry Leo. But as I drove away...and I didn't see the woman and schnauzer anymore, I felt better. I know Leo is not here anymore. And then when I reach home after a hard day's work, I cry again because I don't have Leo waiting for me at the doorstep.

At some point of consideration, I wanted to get another poodle so much. I want to just buy another toy poodle, brown curly coats....and name him Leo again. And everything will just be the same.... No? No...? I doesn't work this way? Then how are things gonna work?

We are watching Dog Whisperer again for the first time since Leo left us. We loved this reality show in the past, because we always want to find ways on how to make Leo a better doggie. Naughty brat has his own tantrums sometimes. He pee whenever he is excited. He becomes horny when he sees kids, Wayne especially. He growls when he is in bad mood, usually when he doesn't like the way you manage him. He growls every time dad uses his foot to pat him. So, Leo don't like Dad. But we stopped watching Dog Whisperer ever since. And today, we hope to resume our normal routine, be as normal as we can. We are trying, indefinitely.

We chatted about Leo openly at home now. As if Leo is already a subject of the past. We shared who had dreamed of Leo, and what dream content was all about. Eyes teary red, but with smiles on our faces. Leo is gone, memories stays.

I remember a saying goes...'Don't force yourself to forget someone, because you won't. Just let it be naturally, and one fine day when you are in the midst of doing a chore and suddenly remembers and smile again....that's when you know you have forgotten to remember him'

I don't know how do I remember to forget Leo. I'm convinced that I don't need to forget. I enjoy thinking about Leo, and cry after that. I am most comfortable in this state, now.

As if someone walks up to me and say, 'Leo will come back one day'....I would naively believe.

Leo, your sleeping corner

Gosh, I missed you soooo much last Friday.

I went out for a simple Friday session with my friend, and came home about half hour past midnight. I headed straight up to my room, only realized I need the wifi on. I walked down the stairs (as usual stomping my way down) and of course, the living hall was dark. I looked out the sliding window, I stopped awhile. Thinking of you, Leo. I was thinking...if you are there at your sleeping corner, you would be pushing the grills as if wanting to come into the house and stay with me. Or you will just try to attract attention. Before, I would pretend I didn't see you, so you will just stop making noises or hushes you to sleep. This time round, I couldn't pretend I didn't see you. You are really not around...

I went to switch on the wifi and headed up again. But I can't help to look back. I miss you. The poodle that is part of the family. We are family.

That night, I couldn't dream of you. Instead, I dreamt of the old man neighbour, we named him Woopeh. I dreamt that he was smiling, with much grace and told me he will leave here soon. Then he handed me a packet of chrysanthemum drink. I crossed my arms to my chest, signalling unwillingness to even have any conversation with him even if it is just a dream. I still hate him, but it surprises me that he appeared so friendly, in my dream. The next morning, I told mom that I missed you so much that night, and about the dream. I cried.

I said to mom, maybe Leo wants me to put the past behind. Leo wants me to forgive woopeh. Leo wants me to forget those unhappy things. Leo just want me to leave hatred and start afresh. Leo never forgets me, and care every single bit of my life. That's why Leo dedicated that dream, and reminds me...life goes on.

I did, Leo. Life goes on, but memories about you stays. Forever. And of all those happy days we had together, made this separation even more painful.

My friend gradually asked about you this afternoon. I said, Leo is dead. He was bitten to death.

I couldn't forget. I couldn't forgive. I'd still let tears comes uncontrollably, when I need to recall anything about you.

I'm sorry, Leo. I still haven't learn to think of you, and smile from within.

Leo: so near yet so...far

Leo...

I'm at Joyce's house now. Do you know I'd think of you even more when i'm here...we are so near each other, but all I could grasp are memories.

I still miss my little doggie, but I have to do it silently nowadays. I don't cry out loud thinking of you, and I would escape any topics about you. I don't want to visit anymore pet shop because nothing is cuter than you. I still hate to see the neighbour, and that dog. I still resent despite their compensation. I try not to pass by Segar Vet Clinic, not because I'm afraid. Because there was where I last see you. Remember how Gary was guiding you into the clinic that day and you refused? We tried hard to coax you in, but you just didn't enter willingly. Now I know why. Because you knew that's when you will last see us.

I miss you, still. I'd stare awhile at your grave whenever I have the opportunity. I can be so silly imagining you running towards me at that field. Like...just let me see you again. Some kind of resurrection, but all these are craps, I know. It will never be, and never should be.

I thought I've done enough to convince myself that you are already at a better place. And hoping you'd still come back to me, is plain selfish and dumb. I'm sorry, Leo.

I'm sorry I haven't forget you. I'm sorry I haven't forgive myself about your loss. I'm sorry I still miss you.

Naughty brat. Forever my Leo.

Leo: beautiful 7th day

Leo,
It's been a week since you migrated to that serene land for good doggies. Honestly, I could feel your presence at home sometimes. Like, when I miss you so much, I could hear you. Not that kind of barking, but I could hear your breath. I just feel your presence! You are always here, never left didn't you?

I went to your grave,flowers are blooming. The birdie nightingale plant is growing ok. I hoped you loved it.

We are all so bored at home....dad is sleeping at the sofa snoring away. Mom was so bored and purposely prepare drinks for us now. Gary, playing computers scrolling boring stuffs. Carol still working at Taiwan now. Me.... talking to you now.

Miss cuddling with you. Little did we know, Mom's phone got the cutest pictures of you. I didn't know mom snaps such cute pics of you. Bravo to mom,right?

You are away for 7 days. But memories about you stay forever. My Leo.

convicted and fined for murder

The compensation for Leo's loss is finally paid today. The amount of all fees incurred was paid in full today. By handling over the payment, I reckon they are admitting guilty and accept the conviction. Whatever, enough with those technical words. I might not be using the correct words here.

In short, the killer dog and its owner had taken their partial responsibility to the incident. I can say, the case with them, has finally come to an end today....

Whatever they do, Leo is still gone. By making them pay up is just a way of warning them it is not a small matter when a pet dies. It is even more dangerous when your dog is crazy enough to bite my dog to death. You, as owner, must be responsible not to let this horrendous epic ever repeat again. Never ever.

From today onwards, there's really nothing much I'd look forward to do for Leo anymore. I've done what I can, and finally I should let time heal the pain of losing Leo.

I don't want to think and cry anymore. I don't want if I can. I just want to remember Leo the most beautiful way it should be. Like a dog, they forgive and forget all bad things that happened. Dogs only remember love, loyalty and unconditional metta. I want to remember Leo the same way Leo would remember us.

Love you, Leo.

Leo the insects-buster!

Leo.....

How are you there? Adjusting to the environment yet? .... Here...is much more quieter without you. I thought I am slowly getting used to life without you. I slept early last few nights, hoping I won't feel the loss that much. I even thought, since the morons had apologized, I should feel the hatred off shoulder and gradually accept the fact you are no longer with us. But I didn't do all that. Every night as I reach home from a hard day work, I still stare at the gate. Hoping I would still see you. Or imagine you are still there...wagging...

Our distant neighbour..Dog mama...she is renovating her house and mom thinks the workers sprayed insecticides all over. There were a few dead or half-dead cockroaches laying around our house. You know mom, she freaks out with those cockroaches... I helped to quarantine one laying on the kitchen cabinet yesterday. And just now handpicked another dead one from the floor.

That's the moment I know I haven't learn to forget you, Leo. I could remember so dearly how you loved to chase after flies, mosquitoes, and even cockroaches around the house. You just look damn cute when you are doing that. All these, no one else would understand, because only we know all your little mischievous gestures...Only we know. And I remember every piece of those memories, it feels just like hours ago. You chased flies while we all dine, and laughed at your every movement. You were so adorable, did you know that?

And yes, you made us so proud when you were protecting mom from the rat hiding under the fridge, remember? Mom was freaking out again, she was shouting...Leo,,,,,help me in the kitchen...there's a rat....... And you must have jumped up from your nap,rushed to the kitchen and started barking and shooing the rat away. There and then, you saved the day and made mom proud. You were immediately promoted as the Sergeant at home!! Sergeant of Inbound Security.

I love you. And thanks for staying with us Leo. Thanks for taking care of us all these years, and you are just more than a pet dog. You are our poodle. Our Leo. My Leo. I miss you.....

Leo, my daily after-work hug

LEO.....are you a good boy today?...

It's not a very busy day at work, but I've got constant headaches. It must be the bad aura I get at work....but at least the busyness kept my mind off you for a day...

Miss you. After a long day at work, I always look forward to come home no matter how tiring exhausted bored day I had. Knowing you will surely wait at the front door, i love to see your silly face waiting for me to come in. Sometimes you will even rush left and right, so anxious that you can't wait to greet me. As I take off my shoes, you will be do your jumping walk, and follows me to the sofa. Then you and I knows what's next -- it huggies time !! I love the way you manja and rested your head on my chest. You hear my every heartbeat, as if listening to all my sorrows and angers after a difficult day at work. You will even lick me as if telling me not to worry so much, now that I'm home with Leo, everything will be just fine....

All this that you have done, Leo....meant so so much to me. Do you know that? As if I've never told you before, you have become one good reason I'm looking forward to go home. Yes, you Leo.

Just now....I was lost. I gazed blankly as I walked in. I knew you wouldn't be here to greet me anymore. I know I don't get the free hugs anymore. I know it is not the same anymore.

I'm still having the headaches. But I will make it through the night. Love you, Leo.

Leo, it's victory shining on us

Miao miao....

What are you doing there..? Did anything extraordinarily mischievous today..? I want to tell you something in an instant. We have got the utmost apology for you from the killer's owner. Of course not from the old man, it was from his daughter. You know, the lady that drives the black iswara, every night she comes back parking her car you would bark and acknowledge...that's her..

She said she is sorry to hear of what you have gone through. She didn't guessed it was so severe, so your leaving is surprising to her. But most of it, she said she will bear the monetary loss as compensation, and passes some words of condolences to me and Gary.

I cannot confirm with all confidences that she is full honest or truthfully repented, but at least she took the initiative to sound convincing. That's really what I have asked for... how about you, Leo?

Maybe you want to place your paw on my chest and tell me.... you have always let it go already. You have rested in peace, and you are already living a place so beautiful - no hatred, no attacks. Only love and freedom. Freedom to love, freedom to care. It's the humans that are always making matters complicated, so much grief, anger, resentment. Doggie don't hate, they only remember every good thing you have done and said to them. Human forgive but not forget. Doggie can forgive and forget all unpleasant things, and be your best buddy forever and ever.....

Even now, Leo is still around with me...accompanying, no complain. This is not a loss, just temporary separation.

Leo, wait for me. We can, and will run the fields together with my bare feet and your soft paws.... together we chase butterflies and dance beneath rainbows. Before I can join you, promise me you will let the Angels take good care of you. And let me know, once awhile, when you are with me again. Let me feel your presence, relive our moments of true togetherness..

I hope after all these epics, things can really settle down slowly. I'm still missing you every moment, you are part of us at all times. Love you, Leo.

a chapter with the inhumane neighbour & the killer dog

Leo, I've done the confrontation. I know there's nothing I could do to bring you back. Nothing. So this confrontation is for me, our family and others living in this neighborhood. I cannot allow your death to go unnoticed, Leo. Being unlucky is not a justifiable reason for death. You did not deserve all these trauma.

I asked for compensation on your hospitalization fees. I even threatened to make a police report. Which above all, both I won't do. I just want to make this a headline and to scare them if I can. Because people like them....it is money and law that matters. Life and death, especially a pet is never a concern to them. Due to this, my Leo had become a victim.

There will be distasteful followup... I know. But I will face it with courage. Come, get your sons or daughters .... scare me if you think they can. When justice is at your side, why fear ??

Your crazy mongrel came into my house compound, bitten my dog to death. If you and your sons and daughters can sleep it over, i'm terribly sorry for all of you.

I've done what should be done. The rest, will be history. Leo...I love you.

Leo: Noon nap under the aquarium table

Hey Leo, do you need to take anymore afternoon naps there? Well, if you are really occupied with loads of activities there, I'm sure you'd rather skip the nap, don't you. Go..run the fields. Your paws will love the soft cool grass...

Do you remember that Ah Moi Aunty that used to come to our home once a while? She was asking about you. I told her that you have gone to a beautiful place, that's all. I can't tell her more, but I'm sure that's somewhere you will be taken care of. I didn't tell Aunty about the Guardian Angels, doubt if she really know what am I saying. But anyway...just to let you know, Leo. You are missed by Ah Moi Aunty too. So, be good there. There's so many who loves you!

~~~~~~~~

It is humid again today. No sign of rain, unlike yesterday. Although the sun is not blaring fiercely, but it is still not a very nice weather. Dad, Mom, me and Aunty stayed at home like usual. Too hot and lazy to go out in such weather.

I'm thinking, if you are still around at home, you'd be napping under the aquarium table now. Maybe you will wake up once a and go kepoh for some foreign noise. Or you will rush to the door and bark a little at the passer-bys. Whatever...I could have imagined your lazy sleepy look under the aquarium table now.

You'd sleep face up and both leg spread wide. Ugly. No manners. Naughty...

The fishes miss you too. I'm sure they know of your presence even though they are keep in the aquarium. Have you ever spoke animal languages with them? Remember the pair of fish that looks like clams? They are getting fatter, I think. Gary will be sitting there sometimes during the weekend to tend to the aquarium, and you'd be sleeping right next to him, isn't it?

There...the dogs are barking now. If you are here, I'm sure you will join the league too. But no, don't worry. Leave this errand to these dogs now. You have better things to do. Remember Sis Jacq, the doggie lover? she left a Facebook message to me and you, Leo:

"May Leo be well and happy, free from mental and physical suffering. May He be reborn into a better realm where the Dharma is know....RIP Leo"

Go...go to the Dharma realm. With Buddha's blessing, you will learn about the Dharma and rejoice from it. Maybe you can meet the Buddha too. And if you do, I'm sure Buddha will tell you "Leo, you have been a good doggie to the ho Family. Welcome to Buddhahood. You deserve it."

Ok, Leo..I have not met with the Buddha myself. But I'm certain Buddha can hear my every prayer everyday. He will recognise you straightaway...So be a good boy while waiting for Buddha to find you soon. While at it...follow our Guardian Angels around. They love you as much as we do.

Miss you, Leo.

Leo : my Miao-Miao

Dear Leo,

This is the first morning you are not with us, truly physically. I lazed in bed too long, because I don't want to walk down the stairs and find the truth about you not in the living room ready to give me the Morning lick at the end of the stairs. I had to. As I reach the end of stairs, I looked at that empty space. Yes, you are no longer there. Then I said to myself out loud...It's OK, Leo will not come back. Why come back to a world so ugly. There's more fun at the place he's at, and definitely better....

~~~~~~~~~~

So, Gary gave you this name Leo...because, let me guess. You were born in August and so did he and Leo will be your common horoscope. We (Gary and I) used to like a Disney carton The Lion King, where there's a Simba in there. We cannot repeat with Simba, that was the puppy Gary rescued at the chicken den many many years ago. So, I reckons Leo sounds just fine..and cute.

As time goes and Leo goes to the saloon and got some failed haircut...I just got the funny bones and thinks my dog looks like a cat. I mean, Leo was once smaller than a cat during puppy years! And it is cute when my dog's named cat. So, you got this nickname, Miao Miao. Just between us, me and Leo.

Are you a mioa...? Yes..you are a miao. And you will just rest your head on my lap, begin your manja power...and pretend you are just a miao? Cute. Melts. You did it right, miao miao. And every time Mom will defend you, Leo. Every time I call you miao miao...Mom would say " No, I'm not a Miao. I'm Leo." And we both usually don't care, because I know my Leo will always be Leo but act cute like a miao. And you, Leo...knows just the right way to make me happy. Miao or Leo, it doesn't matter. Because you know I love you the same.

Miss you, miao miao.

with love, from LEO

I stood by your bed last night,
I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the milk
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said, "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.
"It's possible for me to be so near you every day
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled; I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
And say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out... then come home to be with me.

~Author Unknown~

with loving memory, LEO

Facebook @Yenny Ho Foong Yen

11 April 2012 at 12:27pm in Kuala Lumpur
Leo was cornered & attacked by dumb neighbor's crazy mongrel. Tht bite mark was deep. I hate you, neighbor. I really do - at Segar Veterinary Hospital

11 April 2012 at 10:22pm in Kuala Lumpur
Doc's update: Leo's nose bleeding. Very weak.
Dear dumb neighbor, pls pray hard Leo is alright. Bcos if only Leo is alright, you will be alright too. Win-win. But I still hate you. Even more now - at Segar Veterinary Hospital

14 April 2012 at 11:58amin Kuala Lumpur
LEO, there will be no more fear, no more pain. It's a place where all doggie run free and happy. No more attacks, I promise. Go....go find the Angels. Our Guardian Angels are waiting for you. METTA. - at Segar Veterinary Hospital


I miss you, Leo. Home is never the same without you. It is extremely quiet tonight. Everytime I passes by the front door, I just cannot believe that you are no longer there. Have you found the Angels yet..? How are you there at Heaven? Now don't be too mischievous...our Guardian Angels will love you lke we do. Are there really only day, sunny all times with rainbows over? Green grass fields and small little yellow flowers? Do you like feeling the cool earth with your paws? Is it true that you can always look down and see us whenever you want to? Now can you understand our language? If you can, do you know I miss you alot alot alot now? LEO, I just cannot stop crying. I don't know why. I miss you. I feel sorry for this separation, I just don't know what else I can do. For the past 2 days when I see you at the hospital, I know you could hear me calling you. I saw that you have tried your best to respond to me. I know you struggled to wake up..but you just can't. I know how painful that moment was. I don't blame you. But I really wished you are here now. I wished we could have more time together. I miss you.

down again..but on high!

Down again...lose the battle with bad bacteria again. So i'm on antibiotics. So long, farewell my good bacteria....

I was suppose to meet with my schoolmate after work last Wednesday, but had to turn her down (again) last resort, because I know there's another battle coming fore. I was right. On MC again, and couldn't careless about my boss's sulks and colleague's wicked thoughts. After all, i'm just a sicko losing yet another battle, at work.

I feel bad for missing the date with my pang yau...really. I think she thinks I'm pulling her legs (again?!?!) cos I've missed too many dates with her. But...but...making her doubt me is certainly better than transmitting those bad bacteria to her...no??

Well oh well... I'm just too weak to weigh people's perception on me now. I'm supposed to be still high on drugs and not take responsibilities on promises I've said or actions did. So..since I don't take count of my own deeds...why not really do something spectacular while I'm on high..??

Like curse those hypocrites at work? Slam the wickedest remarks to that two-faces bitch? Or on the lighter note....kiss that cute dude I've dreamed about. Ahhhh...go on a blind date and stand the night away~~..... Too complicated? Ok I will just crash my credit limit and tell the bank I ain't paying a penny because I was high on prescribed drugs prior shopping? Ok set.

"Dad, I think I'm turning into a shopaholic...I can't stop buying shoes...." A daughter's confession to poor-dad-act-rich hahahhahas....and I think he's cute bag.

People say eat eating yogurts helps to restore good bacteria into the system. I'm taking at least one cup a day. If it's not building immune system...it's certainly expanding waistline. Emo.

I'm always sick, getting poorer and putting on excess fats all over. I think I sulk like a big fat ugly stepsister in fairytale. And I might really look like one soon.

The end.

I'm still Me...ek !!

Okay, the hardest days has...evolved. Yeah, life's still a struggle, but any worst moments will eventually become better. Optimism, as some may name this revolution. But I call it immunization. You will get over it, soon. So, my darling Ella Chen (of SHE) is getting married to Alvin Lai very soon. I didn't like that boyish wannabe at first impression. But as I see how sweetly in love Ella is...who cares? As long as she is truly smiling from within, that makes the first step into a blessed wedding journey. And then...what else makes me happier lately? .... hmmmmm..... The fact that I survived? I don't want to talk about survival anymore..that's a boring subject. And I am boring. Ahh...I did brow embroidery last Sunday! Wheeeeee......finally huh. I've been thinking and talking about brow embroidery for ages, and now I have brows on my forehead ! Yea, it is kinda expensive at approx 500 bucks, but I'm sure this the inconveniences I'd face with that brow pencils thingy! Worth it, worth it...no more problems with my brow at least for a year's time. Confidence boost too. Yeay. And...what else... Nothing wor. Bad things keep flashing through my head now, tempting me to write some sad (and boring) again. But I resist. There's enough sad stories about myself for last few blogs already. I don't want to be stagnant in this state anymore. I want to move on, and assured that bad things do happen -- and I am not acknowledging it. I am still me. I am still meek. I own dinoland. Who cares if it is dooms day out there. Just leave me alone.

dino wants home...to Dinoland

I asked you if I have ever mentioned too many regrets I could have. I didn't wait for your answer, I said no instantly. Because I don't care what you think. I just want to make my message across clear. I regret. Coming home. Leaving Makati. I really regretted.

It's not Makati entirely. It could be anywhere. But definitely not Malaysia. Not home. I said not home, but I know the value of having families close knit. But I just cannot be at home anymore, under same roof. I thought of buying a house, stay out, and just be home occasionally. But this may not solve the problem as a whole. I hate this country. I'm totally tirelessly bored with it.

My mind is in total mess now. I don't know how to express my aggression now. If you are with me hearing all these nags, you will certainly blame it on drugs' effect. But this is way beyond my sickness already. I'm guessing if all these stress the main contribution to my plummeting health. I blame on everything, because I finally say...I regret.

I'm bothered with the family system at home. All problems I saw when I was a teenager, the skeletons are coming out from the closet again. Piece by piece.... it's never fair at home, I don't agree with things, I'm always living in fear, I'm never at ease...I thought I've said all these when I was a raging teenager. Yet, I'm repeating myself now as a 30 years old. Which proves that, things are repeating again. Deja vu.

I'm suffocated. I feel stuck again. This the feeling I had 3++ years ago, one of those reasons I gave all up and braved to Makati.

So did I come back for good? I'm back, but good or not...it's hard to say.