I'm still Me...ek !!

Okay, the hardest days has...evolved. Yeah, life's still a struggle, but any worst moments will eventually become better. Optimism, as some may name this revolution. But I call it immunization. You will get over it, soon. So, my darling Ella Chen (of SHE) is getting married to Alvin Lai very soon. I didn't like that boyish wannabe at first impression. But as I see how sweetly in love Ella is...who cares? As long as she is truly smiling from within, that makes the first step into a blessed wedding journey. And then...what else makes me happier lately? .... hmmmmm..... The fact that I survived? I don't want to talk about survival anymore..that's a boring subject. And I am boring. Ahh...I did brow embroidery last Sunday! Wheeeeee......finally huh. I've been thinking and talking about brow embroidery for ages, and now I have brows on my forehead ! Yea, it is kinda expensive at approx 500 bucks, but I'm sure this the inconveniences I'd face with that brow pencils thingy! Worth it, worth it...no more problems with my brow at least for a year's time. Confidence boost too. Yeay. And...what else... Nothing wor. Bad things keep flashing through my head now, tempting me to write some sad (and boring) again. But I resist. There's enough sad stories about myself for last few blogs already. I don't want to be stagnant in this state anymore. I want to move on, and assured that bad things do happen -- and I am not acknowledging it. I am still me. I am still meek. I own dinoland. Who cares if it is dooms day out there. Just leave me alone.

dino wants home...to Dinoland

I asked you if I have ever mentioned too many regrets I could have. I didn't wait for your answer, I said no instantly. Because I don't care what you think. I just want to make my message across clear. I regret. Coming home. Leaving Makati. I really regretted.

It's not Makati entirely. It could be anywhere. But definitely not Malaysia. Not home. I said not home, but I know the value of having families close knit. But I just cannot be at home anymore, under same roof. I thought of buying a house, stay out, and just be home occasionally. But this may not solve the problem as a whole. I hate this country. I'm totally tirelessly bored with it.

My mind is in total mess now. I don't know how to express my aggression now. If you are with me hearing all these nags, you will certainly blame it on drugs' effect. But this is way beyond my sickness already. I'm guessing if all these stress the main contribution to my plummeting health. I blame on everything, because I finally say...I regret.

I'm bothered with the family system at home. All problems I saw when I was a teenager, the skeletons are coming out from the closet again. Piece by piece.... it's never fair at home, I don't agree with things, I'm always living in fear, I'm never at ease...I thought I've said all these when I was a raging teenager. Yet, I'm repeating myself now as a 30 years old. Which proves that, things are repeating again. Deja vu.

I'm suffocated. I feel stuck again. This the feeling I had 3++ years ago, one of those reasons I gave all up and braved to Makati.

So did I come back for good? I'm back, but good or not...it's hard to say.

let's take 5!

This is MADNESS .. ! -- my favorite phrase of the month.

Surviving at work is madness. Putting up with hypocrites at work is madness. Producing low quality work to please low quality people is madness. Wasting my precious time stuck in the traffic is madness. Staying at home and BE a good daughter/sister is madness. Prolonged intake of prescribed drugs is madness. Going through unregistered pain is madness. All these, and many others are total madness...

Gosh, I am a complain freak. What have I become? Big-3 madness?!?!? FML This is madness.

I need a holiday. I can listen to Bruno's Lazy Song the whole day and hallucinate about it. I want to go somewhere...a cosmo city, or to the beach...just by myself. I wonder how would that feel. Maybe I might sound like a loner, but going solo can be soul refreshing at times. Because at this moment, I don't think anyone would want to keep up with a complain freak as travelling companion. And I don't need a travel companion to ignite my need to complain either. Purrrrfect!

But, above all..I am thankful that I am acknowledging this phase of life I am having now. I don't need to wonder why am I not happy at work. I don't need further explanation from the doctors why I am always not well. I can't be any happier that I have these loyal family members and friends ever ready to put up to my naggy nature. Some never give up on me, and I won't give up too.

So I'm on the roller coaster ride all these while. This is madness...