How do I remember...

There and then...things happens...and things made me remember my miao miao poodle Leo. I saw a woman and her daughter carrying a schnauzer....and I cried. Just the same way I used to carry Leo. But as I drove away...and I didn't see the woman and schnauzer anymore, I felt better. I know Leo is not here anymore. And then when I reach home after a hard day's work, I cry again because I don't have Leo waiting for me at the doorstep.

At some point of consideration, I wanted to get another poodle so much. I want to just buy another toy poodle, brown curly coats....and name him Leo again. And everything will just be the same.... No? No...? I doesn't work this way? Then how are things gonna work?

We are watching Dog Whisperer again for the first time since Leo left us. We loved this reality show in the past, because we always want to find ways on how to make Leo a better doggie. Naughty brat has his own tantrums sometimes. He pee whenever he is excited. He becomes horny when he sees kids, Wayne especially. He growls when he is in bad mood, usually when he doesn't like the way you manage him. He growls every time dad uses his foot to pat him. So, Leo don't like Dad. But we stopped watching Dog Whisperer ever since. And today, we hope to resume our normal routine, be as normal as we can. We are trying, indefinitely.

We chatted about Leo openly at home now. As if Leo is already a subject of the past. We shared who had dreamed of Leo, and what dream content was all about. Eyes teary red, but with smiles on our faces. Leo is gone, memories stays.

I remember a saying goes...'Don't force yourself to forget someone, because you won't. Just let it be naturally, and one fine day when you are in the midst of doing a chore and suddenly remembers and smile again....that's when you know you have forgotten to remember him'

I don't know how do I remember to forget Leo. I'm convinced that I don't need to forget. I enjoy thinking about Leo, and cry after that. I am most comfortable in this state, now.

As if someone walks up to me and say, 'Leo will come back one day'....I would naively believe.

Leo, your sleeping corner

Gosh, I missed you soooo much last Friday.

I went out for a simple Friday session with my friend, and came home about half hour past midnight. I headed straight up to my room, only realized I need the wifi on. I walked down the stairs (as usual stomping my way down) and of course, the living hall was dark. I looked out the sliding window, I stopped awhile. Thinking of you, Leo. I was thinking...if you are there at your sleeping corner, you would be pushing the grills as if wanting to come into the house and stay with me. Or you will just try to attract attention. Before, I would pretend I didn't see you, so you will just stop making noises or hushes you to sleep. This time round, I couldn't pretend I didn't see you. You are really not around...

I went to switch on the wifi and headed up again. But I can't help to look back. I miss you. The poodle that is part of the family. We are family.

That night, I couldn't dream of you. Instead, I dreamt of the old man neighbour, we named him Woopeh. I dreamt that he was smiling, with much grace and told me he will leave here soon. Then he handed me a packet of chrysanthemum drink. I crossed my arms to my chest, signalling unwillingness to even have any conversation with him even if it is just a dream. I still hate him, but it surprises me that he appeared so friendly, in my dream. The next morning, I told mom that I missed you so much that night, and about the dream. I cried.

I said to mom, maybe Leo wants me to put the past behind. Leo wants me to forgive woopeh. Leo wants me to forget those unhappy things. Leo just want me to leave hatred and start afresh. Leo never forgets me, and care every single bit of my life. That's why Leo dedicated that dream, and reminds me...life goes on.

I did, Leo. Life goes on, but memories about you stays. Forever. And of all those happy days we had together, made this separation even more painful.

My friend gradually asked about you this afternoon. I said, Leo is dead. He was bitten to death.

I couldn't forget. I couldn't forgive. I'd still let tears comes uncontrollably, when I need to recall anything about you.

I'm sorry, Leo. I still haven't learn to think of you, and smile from within.