需要人陪 , yenny's version

一个我需要梦想需要方向需要眼泪

梦想 Mèng Xiǎng
I doubt if anyone could live along without dreams, or aspirations of what the future should be like. I asked a 5 year old kid about what she thinks about the future is, she said "I'd love to have all those barbie dolls in my room, sleeping with me in the room, when I grow up!" Cheeky, but refreshing answer. Naughty brat Wayne might aspire to live a day without curfew on his PS3 video games, and lots of cola for the day. Some other people look forward to setting up of a family, some others awaiting a newborn to add spice to the family, and others anxiously waiting to be 60 years of retirement age!
My dream....I don't know. I really don't. No matter how short term a goal I've set to accomplished, or what long term plans I have in mind -- things just seems too vague to materialize. If life is so unpredictable, why plan? If life is all about struggling to earn a penny more to be a footstep closer to happiness, why taken aback?
If I only dream to be happy, be with some one happy...how many pennies are needed to achieve that? Optimist are yelling at this juncture thinking I am so material. But tell me, if money can't buy love...can u marry a beggar on the street?
I have no more strenght to dream. Only when I sleep, maybe.

方向 Fāng Xiàng
Let's talk about direction. Let's get a GPS. LOL. So lame. Not funny.
Well, at least I am not lost. I know what I need to do now and next. Get a car, get a job. Get my time filled. And wait.....Wait for dream come true. To know what is dream all about, refer above. I don't even know which directions leads to the ultimatum dream, but it doesn't take too much energy to "dream a little dream of you"..

眼泪 Yǎn Lèi
Tears are the liquid product of a process of crying to clean and lubricate the eyes. The word lacrimation (from L. Lacrima, meaning tear) (also spelled lachrymation) may also be used in a medical or literary sense to refer to crying. Strong emotions, such as sorrow or elation, may lead to crying (Wikipedia.org).
Someone I know dearly, doesn't like me crying. As far as I know, he was never pleased with the sight and sound of somebody crying...or me precisely. He thinks crying is an activity so wasteful of time and emotions, and nothing can be helped just by crying. Because of him, I've learned, and still trying not to cry. I've hold back tears whenever I can, and he made me a stronger meek that I could ever imagined.
But deep inside me, I think crying is just a way for releasing an outburst later. I know it couldn't help anything, but at least I've acknowledge that I am not happy, or I was sad...and I'm trying to balance off that feeling.
I haven't been crying for too long, I am feeling the hypocrisy again. When I try to shed tears, I hear him saying I've got nothing to cry for...so I shouldn't. But yet, another piece of me is very very tired. I am so tired because I want to find a shoulder to cry again. A shoulder that supports me for who I am, for telling me I can be weak, I can cry. And then...a gentle pat on my head telling me...the future is still worth fighting for. I am not alone.

有时候, 我也会怕安静 ...

需要人陪

一个我需要梦想需要方向需要眼泪

yī gè wǒ xū yào mèng xiǎng xū yào fāng xiàng xū yào yǎn lèi

更需要一个人来点亮天的黑

gèng xū yào yī gè rén lái diǎn liàng tiān de hēi

我已经无能为力无法抗拒无路可退

wǒ yǐ jīng wú néng wéi lì wú fǎ kàng jù wú lù kě tuì

这无声的夜现在的我需要人陪

zhè wú shēng de yè xiàn zài de wǒ xū yào rén péi

size does matter

I am officially and publicly enlarging in size. Yea, I'm fat. And getting fatter. Extra hideous fats are bulging from my waistline. Cellulite and concrete fats are building around the thigh area. I'm helpless.

I've stopped the hormone pills with effective 18 April 2011...which counts to...ermm almost 11 years 2 months of taking oral hormone pills, everyday without fail. Well, except for that 7 days which I'm suppose to see red.

My monthly menses are no longer regulating well, even with the medication. The contents of the pill is not helping my body reacting normally like how it used to. More and more dead blood cells are accumulating inside, because it is not flushed out every month. I either get very dark, or almost black, clots monthly or it's just pathetically dried blood...

And so I've stopped medication, and hope my stubborn body is coping without. Nevertheless, close monitoring may help in knowing what my body really wants, and if new course of tablets are necessary.

What my body wants? Hmmpphh...CRAP. I don't even know what I want. How would I know what my body wants? Life's ironic...I call it a day.

Medically proven...there will be sure some kinda funny reaction my body will make. Which is happening now.....weight gain, bloated tummy, back pain, mood swings and skin irritation. Good news, I'm getting all the above, I think. Except for a bloated tummy, which I reckon will attack soon enough as I'm already getting the extra kg's.

Now...tell me what's about a doomed life ahead?

define Fetish

fe·tish : an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion.

An object of irrational reverence....Hmmm...I can understand irrational, but can't put together reverence. It was undeniably obsessive, but nothing much to do with devotion.

I'm certain I have a fetish towards some parts of my body, and can't possibly argue the reason why. My weakest point, and of course the area I fetish-ly obsessed to...is my feet.

I can't remember when I started enjoying someone (or anyone!) tickles the sole of my feet. Bad moods can be transformed to good ones, or it can even soothe me to sleep. All you got to do, is tickle my feet. The rest is history.

I've became the aim of many insect bites at home lately. Last 2 weeks, I've got an unknown bite on my left leg, and it was bandaged to avoid infection. Few nights back, some dumb mosquitoes left 3 glorious bites on my right thigh. Yea yea..I know those cellulite n fats drawn their attention. But 3 bites at the same perimeter??!!?? Merciless!

And so the smartest ant took a good bite right there at the sole of my right foot while I was having dinner. Ooouucchhh...it was life-taking. Not the pain, but the ITCH! And so, I began forcing mom to scratch my foot, and Dad was staring at his disgusting daughter. Yea, I was forcing Mom to scratch (tickle) my foot. I shy away, but still continue scratching on my own. The itchier it gets, the harder I scratched. This is gonna be a never ending "inter"course for tonight.

This can't be it. I have to do something to stop this. I scratched til it bleeds, and hansaplast it! Smart? Genius! Now....it is still painful and itchy.

I would be missing that someone whom selflessly indulging this fetish with me, almost every night. I love the tickles, and tickling is all I get...until I fall asleep. It is sweet enough just by thinking, and imagining it now. Heart warming.

fe·tish : an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion.

Let me define reverence. A feeling of profound awe and respect and often love...And devotion? Earnest attachment to a cause, person...It takes two to "fetish" ! ...

Life ... so sudden !

A close friend's father passed away today. It was all so sudden to me. His father had always been OK and leading a healthy lifestyle, I assume. The deceased was a herbalist, and I never heard any complaints from his son (my friend) that he's unwell or not coping. And then he's gone due to lungs infection. RIP, Mr.Loh.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was difficult to digest my mixed feelings at that time. I know life and death is certain. I know that I'm not a close friend to my friend's father too. And therefore, apart from feeling sorry for my friend, there really shouldn't be anything else. Who don't die? It's a matter of time, and why.

Yeahhh..easy to say. Difficult to be realistically positive.

I would imagined what if it's my loved one dying. Like my dad ...or mom..or anyone dear to me. I don't think I'd say thanks to anyone reminding me "Who don't die?" eventhough that is nothing but the truth. Or I can just imagine if I'm the one dying. Letting go may be the worst moment, but once my last breath is taken away...I wouldn't know if I'll ever know anything that happens next.

So, it will be last moment that counts? Or was it the years that I've lived before the last moment is counted? If God asks how has my life been all these years...what should I say?

I'd say...I've been blessed with good parent. I've been blessed with many good things in life, and a fair balance of bad encounters too. I've been blessed to know Buddhism, but I'm ain't saint. I've been blessed with interesting life experiences that I do not want to exchange with anyone else. I've been blessed to be truly humane..bla bla bla...

and then God fall asleep while I keep talking talking talking....yea I'm blessed, cos I'm talkative too!

How We Sentence Ourselves

Reinventing ourselves begin with language.

I'll never forget the moment that this first became perfectly clear to me. It was one of those moments of realization that you will never forget. Business consultant Becky Robbins was teaching a course in communication, and she casually said something that tied together and clarified for me nearly 11 years of research I had done in human development.

"Some people use language," she said, "to describe the lives they lead, and other people use language to create the lives they lead."

Yes, that was exactly it! Life begins for us in language. Behind every action is a thought, formed in words that paint a picture. This felt like a new discovery to me, but I knew it wasn't new to everyone. It has seen been pointed out to me that it was written long ago that "in the beginning there was the word".

Our energy and attitude are create by the language we think with. The impact is stronger than drugs, as medical tests with placebos have revealed for years. (One pill makes you larger. The other makes you small. Whatever the doctor says is what the pill seems to do.)

I could now see that my own work with high and low achievers had taught me exactly the same thing. People who are productive and fulfilled in life use a different language than the people who are struggling.

I'd even gotten to the point where I could interview people without knowing in advance if they were performing well or not, and I was able, just by listening to their language, to tell. Some of my clients began to joke that it was paranormal, but I told them it was simpler than that. I was just listening to their words.

You can always tell where a person's from by listening to the language he or she uses. Some people come from ownership, and some from victimization.

I began keeping notebooks filled with the language of high achievers (who I labeled as "owners") and another bulging pile of notebooks filled with the language of the people who were frustrated and struggling -- the "victims".

Owners use the word "can" alot, while victims favored "can't". Owners had goals, projects, and challenges, whereas victims had problems, hassles, and nightmares. Owners said they were busy, and victims said they were swamped. Owners were designing a life while victims were trying to make a living. Owners were psyched and excited about changes in the workplace while victims were worried and ticked off. Owners looked to see what they could get from an experience while victims tried to get through it.

Become the person YOU have always wanted to be.

I am blessed, truly

This morning is a very eventful and enjoyable day. I was emotionally moved by the thoughtfulness from Dad. I told him about the good news, and I even jokingly said "Good things come in pairs!" beemingly. And he cheekily told me.....

"Actually I have discreetly spoke to Buddha, and asked Him to bless my daughter for a smooth sailing journey in her life, especially today. I even told Him that, please let my daughter to be happy and doing the things that she likes"

And, I was choked by my own tears at Suria KLCC upon hearing this. It was so close to heart, so touching, so Daddy...

P/S to Dad: I will hope and do my best, and if the offer materialize...let's party!

yenny says Aaaaahhhh....~~~ dental experience

If I stand in front of a full bodied mirror and evaluate from head to toe, I'd say this is the perfecto body my parents have ever made. I've got healthy straight hair, and I don't bother if they need any rebonding now. My face ain't angelic, but all the vital organs are working fine. Of course I'd hope a little slimmer figure (I Love Collar Bones!) and even nearing 30's I'm still in great doubt if my boobs goes well with my waist line =P well oh well.....I am a good person truly. I am much luckier than other less fortunate than me. Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu.....

*Poof* All beautiful descriptions above go haywire when I finally smile. It's not that I have very rotten teeth, but those are the assets I have taken least care of in these years. I had no problem dealing with my gigi susu when I was a kid....cos I dared myself to pull them out once they left hanging on my gums. Tsk tsk...I forgot to give them to the Tooth Fairy, or else I could be a little richer now , ehh?

I hate dentist. Or the dentist's nurse. I even hate the receptionist of the dental clinic. Don't get me wrong, they are nice people, but I just hate the full package of the scariest word in my world -- DENTIST.

I hate to have tooth fillings done. Back in primary school, when the dentists and nurses came for annual check up, I would force daddy to write an Exclusion Letter so that I'd be spare from the check-up. (and the fillings..and the extractions..and the bla bla bla). Later on, when I realy have a bad tooth and needed fillings badly, Daddy would have to bring me to the Indian dentist next to Kajang KFC. There, I would pray to the Elephant God so that it wouldn't be an awful experience. And there wasn't a single tooth filling experience not awful. Dreadful & Horrifying! -- should have spoken to Elephant God in Tamil....

As I enter the world of young adulthood...here come the wisdom tooth. Arrgghhhh....!! I didn't ask for extra teeth, ma! First extraction of lower right wisdom tooth took me into total trance after downing 8 pain killers post surgery. I slept the whole afternoon, and didn't wake up until next morning. The moment I opened my eyes, I couldn't feel my mouth. I thought I left it at the dental clinic. Second (upper right) and third (lower left) extraction was done by a gentler dentist, Dr. Chee. But both teeth were extracted on the same day. This time, 5 pain killers post surgery, and whole 2 weeks of non-solid food diet. I couldn't even open my mouth. All I had was cereal drinks sucked through a pathetic straw. I lost 2.5 kg (hooray?) and swear that I AM NOT REMOVING ANYMORE WISDOM TOOTH!!!!!

Good news - I still have one undying tooth trying to prove it's existence. I don't know when is that doom's day coming.



I just came back from the dentist today. Dr. Chee, a slim gentle dentist that my whole family laid our trusted tougue to her. She is nice. And really gentle too. She helped with the the minor surgery of second w-tooth, and a full blown third major surgery. Of course it was painful, but she did her very best, I know.

This morning, I visited Dr. Chee for the chaos that my "rabbit" teeth are causing me. This pair of front tooth are gloriously cracking from bottom, and it is uneven causing both tooth looks like it rots bottom-up. I was worried sick last night. I imagined the EEeeeeeeeeeeeee sound that metal makes and it went directly triggering my spine. I imagined the fillings and the force to clean the empty spaces of my tooth. I imagined the needles and such prior to extraction. I couldn't sleep.

And all Dr. Chee did was a few pleasing stroke using the eeeeeeee sound utensil, and VOILA my front teeth are in even size! No filling, no needle, no extraction. Dr. Chee even cleaned and polished my teeth without much hassle. Perfectly pain-free experience!!!

Ok, great. I will take care of my teeth from today onwards. I will brush regularly, and avoid sweet stuffs. I will use all the appropriate dental care products. I will make sure that all these craps above are bluffing you. I am still a bad apple towards dental concern. *BLEK*

A prayer for the lost souls

I don't know what am I waiting here for. I have been living in the dark for days, and if water and food is the ultimate source of human existance...where did humanity retreated to?....

The war have commenced for almost a month, counting by the sun rise I witnessed through. If I didn't lost count. If everyday had passed and this can be still meaningful to me. This morning, I woke up from the cries of insanity again. My hands were still shaking, I was shivering with fear. I hear whispering of other refugees. Some said this is just the dawn of the dark ages. The undying spirit convinces each other that Godness of Fair Judgement shall prevail soon. It is just a matter of time when we can live life like we did, again.

I don't know which extremist to believe. I was just coerced to believe, but believe in what, I don't know. I have seen the blue skies, I have danced with the dandelions. I have laid above cool bed of grass, I have sang the joy of love. Do I want to survive, and make a second chance? Or should I just give up and do not regret from those angelic days I once had?

The Twin Witches are polluting the airway again this full moon. They are riding the scariest vulture on earth, and they have eagle eyes to look for prey. They came once, about a month or so...and they took all my kindest friends away. When all of my friends were dumped back, they have lost the precious gift of humanity; living with greed, jealousy, defilement and narcissism. It seems the Withces didn't kill their prey, they ate their soul. For the Witches knows, the perfect execution of the human race is through humanity assasination.

In the dark, when I have lost the count of time, the tick of clock.....I clasped my hands and prayed. A ritual of 24 minutes' reminiscence, and hope a ray of light would tell me what would the next 24 hours be?

Reminiscence, Part I - Chapter I