Go on fuck up my life

24/8 0525pm
Markus last day in office. He's back to germany tomorrow. I don't really know him super well. Maybe we chatted a lil bit plus some hi and bye, but we are definitely not friends. But because he is kwai-lo and damn he got light blue eyes, all girls my floor went hooo-arrr taking pictures with him and posted at Fb. Me? I'd rather go down and smoke. As I puffed, I say. I'm not a hypocrite. I don't fake myself too much. Then why is that so difficult for people to be straightforward to me? What, sort of domino effect? Can someone walk up to me and say, hey woman...you want some space. Ok, I'll step out, and when you need me, I'll step in again. Problem is, people never really stepped out and gave me fresh air. For those who really did step out, never come back.

24/8 0710pm
Me: so your son bringing you out for Jap lunch tmrw?
Dad: depends if you have any program tomorrow?

what connections are there between your son bringing you lunch with I have programs or not? If I have program means you won't go eat is it? Or means I have program I have to cancel so I can tag with you wherever you go is it. Or everything also must got my presence is it. Do you know I am not a kid and there is something called personal time? When can I live a life without someone else shadow? When can I finally make my own time and enjoy myself? For how many years have I lead my life because I need to accommodate to someone else needs? Bobby? You? Joyce? And who's who?

24/8 0858pm
Ruth asked if I want to sing-k tonight. I declined, because I'm tired and I really want to stay home watching Ella and Vic movie. Maybe I'm not in any good mood to go out anyway. But whatever, I chose not to go out. End up? My parents tried not to sleep to accompany me. Lights on in bedroom, maybe even afraid I'd sneak out and prostitute myself?

I have no more clue to this kind of love. I am already allergic to this attention. I hate my parents to this extend, I've lost all metta. Yes go ahead and do all this petty things behind my back. Go and try to snoop info from friends. Go and try to ask around or ask who who to pretend ask me something. Hush hush as much you would like but your voice of concern is blasting in my ears. The more you do all these, the less I will open up. Because all of you are killing me soon. Because I have decided not to say anything. Thanks ? to yourself. Now you should be happy. I'm suffocating myself to death. I should better be dead than this.

that ol' me

Flip flip flip...
I was looking thru some pictures during my tenure at MAA. Hmm..my skin complexion was bad! Dull skin, panda eyes and messy flat hair! Flat hair for certain! Such big forehead. Shouldn't have sided my fringe like that.

Flip flop flip flop...(flop??!?)
Hello Makati, here Yen comes. Hey I looked different. Hair much longer, gosh I looked fairer! Radiant to certain extend. It must be that holidaying adventurous hormone blossoming in me. That's why I feel better within, and it shows from my face.

I missed those long hairs. I missed looking feminine. I missed playing with my hair when I'm bored....

I missed those moments when I feel good within, it radiates thru every smile I have. Even when I break down, it was worth crying out loud. Lately, I couldn't even force a tear. I didn't even have the courage to acknowledge my emptiness within. Because, even if I'm not happy, and so?

your story baits me

"it only took 6 months to forget 4 years. And there I was, still concerned and putting up with this shit because of you. 我真的对不起我自己" -- Ariel Hay

I know this cute petite girl whose name reminds me of a mermaid, during my Universal Market trip down south. Beautiful eyes, Ariel ! This her Fb post, it made me let out a long sigh. I heart you, gal.

Flash back, I could have said "it only took 2 weeks to forget 6 years". What kind of ratio do we have here?

Everything, living or not, emotional or not, are impermanent. Drop dead vulnerable. It takes nanoseconds to change, for better or worse it's your luck.

Don't be too overjoyed for the happier times now because it won't last. On contrary, don't fret over the agonies and pain you suffer now because it won't stay with you forever.

Glass half full vs half empty philosophy?

It is easier to say it than nike-ing (just do it). Ever tried so hard to forget the pain of missing your loved one? Tried to occupy yourself with countless mind clogging matters just to forget? And when dusk comes, you felt all emotions running over you again. Or when skies are dark and melodic raindrops sounds echoing so damn hard reminding you all over again.

Don't underestimate the power of loneliness. But don't laugh at your own conscious either. Soon you will know it is better to live in reality than touring memories like a lost soul. You will heal and the cycle goes again....

6 months:4 years. 2 weeks:6 years. How many days to forget 3 months, 6 months, etc etc etc....

As I'm counting, damn it rains again.

Manjushri ... is home !

I went to sifu's place to bring my Manjushri home. My Manjushri? Home?

I brought this Manjushri many years ago at mid valley. I couldn't tell why I have extraordinary liking, fondness, respect ... I don't know how to describe in words. I just feel very close to her. Well, there's no him or her, but i prefer to address as 'she' because Manjushri is forever gentle in transcending wisdom. Forever loving.

Just out of wit, I told mom not to keep Manjushri inside the display cabinet anymore. I want to place her at the altar. I want to see her everyday.

And so, mom sent her to sifu's place for chanting and blessings. I tried to be on vegetarian and washed my face with pure milk every morning. Part and parcel of some ritual. Honestly, I was quite rebellious and complained of those fussy rituals at first. I thought all that will distance me from believing because I disapprove fussy rituals.

Tonight, is the night. I had to wear all white, washed my hands with milk before I go to take her. But miracle happened. Despite all the complains I had in my heart earlier over the rituals, I was suddenly lost of words. My heart was racing, I sweat hot and cold, I was nervous.

And the moment I placed her on the altar, I really felt like I knew her. Not for years but centuries. I feel that I must have known her, we must be very close like best friends. I have so much to tell her but my heart was heavy. I didn't know where to start telling. That's why I say I got a feeling like knowing her. It feels like reunion. After very very very long.

I feel that Manjushri is 'home' with me. Gosh, it is so unbelievable and I can continue saying all these feelings the whole night. I feel very very blessed. Very very touched. Truly mesmerizing

Whatever this fate brings, thank you, Manjushri.

Om Ah Ra Pa Tsa Na Dhi

live like dream, dream like life!

It was counting into 11th night of insomnia yesterday. Those sleepless torture elevated on the 4th or 5th day, when I was prescribed with my very first official 0.25mg sleeping pills. I took three consecutively over the weekend, but the disorder relapsed last Monday night. Second round, I was given 7.5mg pills for five nights. I was dumbfounded. I was scared.

All my waking hours felt like a dream.

No one knows how it feels like waking from a sleep induced by drugs. Feels like rather not sleep at all. It was torturing, not to your skin or bones. But poking through your soul, consciousness and alertness.

I had a dream last night. A dream so real like life itself.

I was defeated in a battle, finally. My silent death. How? There was a man in my dream, tall in his shining armour. His body was so bright I couldn't see his face. I was a tiny soldier, gasping for air. I hold on to his foot begging for relief. But he just stood there, ignoring me. I could feel it so real in my dream. My plea was ignored. The pain got more immense, I bled to death. No voices heard around me. It was only silence.

Silence is the absence of noice. Darkness is the absence of light.

I woke up, in total silence, there was no light. At least I could hear my heartbeat. I woke up from a real life, and I will continue to live like I was dreaming.

Good night.

Me & You and a dog named Boo

I remember to this day
The bright red Georgia clay
And how it stuck to the tires
After the summer rain

Will power made that old car go
A woman's mind told me that so
Oh how I wish
We were back on the road again
Me and you and a dog named boo

Travellin' and livin' off the land
Me and you and a dog named boo
How I love being a free man

I can still recall
The wheat fields of St. Paul
And the morning we got caught
Robbing from an old hen

Old McDonald he made us work
But then he paid us for what it was worth
Another tank of gas
And back on the road again

I'll never forget the day
We motored stately into big L.A.
The lights of the city put settlin'
Down in my brain

Though it's only been a month or so
That old car's buggin' us to go
We've gotta get away and get back on
The road again