Go on fuck up my life

24/8 0525pm
Markus last day in office. He's back to germany tomorrow. I don't really know him super well. Maybe we chatted a lil bit plus some hi and bye, but we are definitely not friends. But because he is kwai-lo and damn he got light blue eyes, all girls my floor went hooo-arrr taking pictures with him and posted at Fb. Me? I'd rather go down and smoke. As I puffed, I say. I'm not a hypocrite. I don't fake myself too much. Then why is that so difficult for people to be straightforward to me? What, sort of domino effect? Can someone walk up to me and say, hey woman...you want some space. Ok, I'll step out, and when you need me, I'll step in again. Problem is, people never really stepped out and gave me fresh air. For those who really did step out, never come back.

24/8 0710pm
Me: so your son bringing you out for Jap lunch tmrw?
Dad: depends if you have any program tomorrow?

what connections are there between your son bringing you lunch with I have programs or not? If I have program means you won't go eat is it? Or means I have program I have to cancel so I can tag with you wherever you go is it. Or everything also must got my presence is it. Do you know I am not a kid and there is something called personal time? When can I live a life without someone else shadow? When can I finally make my own time and enjoy myself? For how many years have I lead my life because I need to accommodate to someone else needs? Bobby? You? Joyce? And who's who?

24/8 0858pm
Ruth asked if I want to sing-k tonight. I declined, because I'm tired and I really want to stay home watching Ella and Vic movie. Maybe I'm not in any good mood to go out anyway. But whatever, I chose not to go out. End up? My parents tried not to sleep to accompany me. Lights on in bedroom, maybe even afraid I'd sneak out and prostitute myself?

I have no more clue to this kind of love. I am already allergic to this attention. I hate my parents to this extend, I've lost all metta. Yes go ahead and do all this petty things behind my back. Go and try to snoop info from friends. Go and try to ask around or ask who who to pretend ask me something. Hush hush as much you would like but your voice of concern is blasting in my ears. The more you do all these, the less I will open up. Because all of you are killing me soon. Because I have decided not to say anything. Thanks ? to yourself. Now you should be happy. I'm suffocating myself to death. I should better be dead than this.