Thanks sis for supporting me, knowing all I need now is to cry out loud. Let's be frank, even if you are now at Manila with me, there's really nothing much you can do for me, except telling me that I can really cry - just like anyone else, I can be weak too.
Sometimes I hate a part of myself. There are times that I'm really feeling so exhausted deep inside and just when I feel like sobbing already; a hell out of nowhere will demand me to be strong, hold back tears, don't cry or else I will fail myself. I don't know where I learned this from. I always see a shadow in me whenever I feel like crying.
I remembered, way back when I was a teenager as when Bro was still a moronic childish chap. He came back from college having bad mood I think. He just came into the room (where me and Mom was taking afternoon nap) threw his knapsack on me. And as I rose from bed out of shock, he just gave me a big slap on my left cheek. And then he turned away.... physically hurting another person for no particular reason. He must think that I owed him this in the past life. I remembered I was crying so badly on the bed. I was gasping for air and my hands turned blue cold. Mom was there with me. She saw me crying in that way. Of which all she said to me was "Girl, please stop crying. I beg you to stop crying. I take that slap from your brother. You can just imagine that I was the one slapping you, if that will make you feel better...." She was begging me to transfer the guilt to her, even though she knows clearly that her son should be apologetic from his actions. She want me to blame my own Mother for some crime that my brother did.
Since then, I never dare to cry in presence of anyone else. Never. Because if I did, it's making remember how my Mom beg me to stop.
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Old, past and bad memories can hurt sometimes. When you think back especially, it will give you a some sort of lesson, like never this and never that.
ReplyDeleteFor example, when my big bro told me to bear all the consequences and don't go back to beg him if anything goes wrong for me. Honestly, I remember this until now. You can remember things because that's how things shape us, shape our life, make us learn, but it's ok if you break the rules once in a while and you will feel better. It's ok to let go once in a while for if you buried everything inside, you will go mad.
Like my brother, when he say those words and I'm supposed to remember until now. Isn't I'm supposed to treat him like nobody else? Kinda ignore him. But when I heard mum told me that his wallet was so damaged that he doesn't wanted to waste money to buy one (coz of his commitment), I bought one for him and gave it to him. I felt better because I know there is love in me for him although how bad I remember the harsh words he ever used on me. I don't do that often. When I feel like doing it, then I'll go ahead. I'm letting myself go. It's good to remember but you don't have to put it in your brain most of the time.
In short, do what you feel like doing. Do what your heart tells you to do at that time. Trust in yourself. If you wanna cry out in front of bobby and tell him what is in your heart, do it.
Like mum, when she told you she will take that slap away from you, she is hoping that you moved on but not hoping you will forever remember that scenario. She does not wish for you to remember the bad things. She just want you to be happy. That is so far what she can do for you to make you feel better.
My shoulder will be there for you when you come back later. No worries, I'll cry along with you.
Please let me know your flight details. I want to go pick you up. Please don't say no because I insist.
When you 2 girls decided to cry together please do let me know. Maybe I'll join in as well? Can I? :)
ReplyDeleteProvided you let me know your ID. :P
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