my alibi is the best evidence

"...a lonely place to be..and so I learned to depend on me. Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all..."

I can finally spell independent into my soul, take up my head and say I have been there, done that. There is a burden on my shoulder all these years, trying to suppress myself. I smile for every vague happiness, and laughed off all hurtful memories. I subcounciously convince myself that I am already at peak, but I've never climbed any mountain at all.

A year had passed, I took my steps. I moved  forward, even farther from where I've stopped earlier. I faced all sorts of ironic happenings life could bring to me. I have never lived stronger than I was ten years back. I didn't tell anyone I needed a coccoon, I want to hide from all those craps. I didn't have the courage, really. I didn't have strength. Really.

By hook or by crook, I bypassed all those craps. I did it myself, and I did it alone. I don't want anyone to come and take the credits away from me. I don't want anyone to come and pull me down to the traven all over again. I don't want to stay put because anyone is not moving forward. I don't even want to slow down just to wait for anyone's pace.

I want to be who I want to be, who I was, how I was -- someone I shaped myself into in just one year's time.

I don't know if I will be lonely, but lonely or not, I will still need to depend on me. And if I should be really lonely, it is even more important that I know how and when to love myself. Even more.

down again..but on high!

Down again...lose the battle with bad bacteria again. So i'm on antibiotics. So long, farewell my good bacteria....

I was suppose to meet with my schoolmate after work last Wednesday, but had to turn her down (again) last resort, because I know there's another battle coming fore. I was right. On MC again, and couldn't careless about my boss's sulks and colleague's wicked thoughts. After all, i'm just a sicko losing yet another battle, at work.

I feel bad for missing the date with my pang yau...really. I think she thinks I'm pulling her legs (again?!?!) cos I've missed too many dates with her. But...but...making her doubt me is certainly better than transmitting those bad bacteria to her...no??

Well oh well... I'm just too weak to weigh people's perception on me now. I'm supposed to be still high on drugs and not take responsibilities on promises I've said or actions did. So..since I don't take count of my own deeds...why not really do something spectacular while I'm on high..??

Like curse those hypocrites at work? Slam the wickedest remarks to that two-faces bitch? Or on the lighter note....kiss that cute dude I've dreamed about. Ahhhh...go on a blind date and stand the night away~~..... Too complicated? Ok I will just crash my credit limit and tell the bank I ain't paying a penny because I was high on prescribed drugs prior shopping? Ok set.

"Dad, I think I'm turning into a shopaholic...I can't stop buying shoes...." A daughter's confession to poor-dad-act-rich hahahhahas....and I think he's cute bag.

People say eat eating yogurts helps to restore good bacteria into the system. I'm taking at least one cup a day. If it's not building immune system...it's certainly expanding waistline. Emo.

I'm always sick, getting poorer and putting on excess fats all over. I think I sulk like a big fat ugly stepsister in fairytale. And I might really look like one soon.

The end.

starry starry night...

As I gazed up the night sky, so many galactic stars! I looked away, and gazed again, they are still there. They are blinking telling me they won't leave me alone on a night like this. But I really wish they go away...dark gloomy skies filled with stars. Bad premonition, it shows you are...empty inside ( the dark gloomy part) ecstatic outsie ( those twinkies, what else?!?)

I blamed it on those medicines. I'm on drugs lately. Ohh yeah.. antibiotics, antivirus,anti inflammation,painkillers..you name it I've got it. I don't recall all kinds of sickness I have...uterus minor disallocation, chest congestion, skin psoriasis, slip disc at most recent..do I sound enough sicko already?

I don't care. There isn't anything that can practically scare the hell out of me anymore. Before this health issue, let's mention -- Car accidents I've got it too!! Voila, that makes me the most erm...Survived Jinx in da World? Thank u thank u..

Ageing is definitely not an issue either. I've just reached the big 3 in a simple, quiet, chillaxing way -- just the pefect way I wanted it. See?? I don't need celebrations too and I survived!!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger -- who's who philosopher.

What doesn't kill you instantly makes you die a slower death -- Yennyho.

Life is too predictable when you reach a certain age. Unless you climb Mount Everest up and down everyday or eat maggots for fun...I can't find anything more amusingly exciting.

But, simplicity is true happiness. I may sound like a pessimist seeing the glass half empty, but I didn't complain why is the glass not full either. I may sound like suicidal having not much passion in life, but I don't need raging temper to keep life going on.

I am such because, as I gazed up the dark gloomy sky I see those stars. Main point is, i still have the time to push my chin up and look up high. There are so many out there, who seemed to have the most happening lifestlye, advancing career, delicious cash account, all that glitz & glamour -- had missed the chance to stop a little while, and enjoy the dark but meteoric skies. I didn't have all that yet, but i see stars. I see You.

Dont cross those borders

I do hate February. I don't understand why people cannot leave me alone this month. Yes yes so what this is birthday month. Don't you think I'm supposed granted with something I'd really want, instead of something you think I'd want??

I want peace. A peace of mind. Rather than challenge my patience and see if I could hold up to your hypocrisy. I don't need cakes and presents too. I want originality. Show me your real face and I'd thank you much.

Whatever it is, just stop bugging me. Stop pretend like you know me so well that you can add your personal views to my relationships, career or simply my well-being. To remind you, I'm an Aquarius, and therefore I don't need you to think I need to be reminded of things I can comprehend. An Aquarius can be a loner at times, only because she need more time for herself rather than squabbling with minorities like you.

So, don't give me a symphatetic look when I say get out of my line. I'm much better without certain things that doesn't add value to those beautiful things in my life.

Thanks.

Health Report Card

There's so much to tell from a few drops of blood for a pathologist. I feel so naked, bare-all and transparent to a pathologist. I imagine him (okay, I imagined the pathologist is a hunk) studying the micro cells in my body...and in blink of eye then able to produce a report revealing if I have been good to my body or not -- in this gawd damn 29 years. He can tell me what sort of damage I have done to my organs because I ignored the facts of nourishment it always needed. He can also guessed correctly if I have been a naughty girl intoxicating myself unnecessarily over the years. He knows my body injuries by analyzing the weak bone structures and over-stressed muscles from prolonged lack of exercises. I am so very extremely see-through now.

This make me feel like waiting for my year end exam report card in school. The teacher with weird looking spectacle frame looked me into my brown eyes and said "Foong Yen, you have not been revising, didn't you...". Geez..chill right down to spine!

Apart from the academic test, career KPI, achievement scores....I just forgot that there's the health report card too. Health and Money. Which is important? Money. Because without money, how do you ensure that you sleep right, eat right and live right? Ever seen a homeless with pinky cheek and tip-top health? But...you've got all the money you can make within shortest notice, and tomorrow you are almost dead. What's the point then?

Everyone got only 24 hours with them. It's how you segregate your time, attention and thoughtfulness that makes you a real person. A real, living person.

it's mutual hatred, naturally

It's been so many years..almost a decade by now. I still think all of you are stinky hypocrites, you still think I'm acting distance. Like i always remind myself, why should I go that extra mile to please someone not worth the patience. I could still remember what happened at this home when all of you plotted the same to hurt me. That wound will never heal. It aggravates me the same when i hear or meet anyone named Grace. Just the same way it reminds me of how i should hate all of you.

I cannot tell you why i didnt give up even until now. Maybe just a barbaric side of me proving to all of you that I'd stay to continue haunt you, and make you think again how to hurt me again with another hideous plan you have. Another Mary, Jane or Sally, maybe? Why not you try, cos that is another way of proving it is right and ok that I feel disgusted.

Now, do or say..it sounds more appropriate if it is called complain. Yes, go ahead and discuss among yourself how bad a girl I am, how u don't like me comparing to that girl. How difficult it is to have me around. Bla bla bla.

Thank you. I am immune because all of you gave me such good lesson learned. It's either you continue to hate me or let's bring on the game. I am no longer as fragile as i used to be. Wish all of you peaceof mind, and shall happiness prevails

Lost in my mind-map

What a day! and what an October I'm gonna have this 2011...!

I've got such adverse mood this month. This is just coming into the 6th day of the month, and I am already KO-ed by most of the people..matters and situations. I am tired.

I am now working in a very...messy organization. Not that the arrangements are messy. The way people work...are all tangled up. Way too many weirdos, procrastinators, hypocrites and MORONS. yes! Morons. Like Dad says, morons are everywhere and they are assembling at AZ. I've been so restless at work, so messed up that I worked my ass off. And the pain in my ass is transmitting to my head. Gawd damn headache. I hate this situation. If not for BCM, hell I would stay!

I am also imagining things (again, like I usually do). I am imagining him. Words that he would say, gestures when he react, and those sweeter moments we used to have. I have been building images from my right brain so much, that at times I forgot who am I really thinking about. Stop pulling your own leg, yen. There are things that's not meant to be, no matter how much you think about everyday.

I want to leave home. When I try to define home, I don't see faces I love to see each day. I just picture it as a square box with a roof top. And a dog. Like those 'orang lidi' cartoon kids love to draw. Other than that...I look forward to blue skies somewhere out there. Like the "M" shape birds (in kid's drawings) flying (without legs)...like freedom in an exquisite way. Like, I am writing and activating my right brain now.

Jeezus...I am tired. I can fall asleep now. Time to switch off my brain GPS! No matter how tricky, LIFE goes on, baby!

so much of 林峯 on Xmas 2010

I told ya...Makati is almost a dead city during Xmas. 9 out of 10 Pinoys travel back to provinces during Xmas, leaving all lonely expatriates in the city.

I have absolutely nothing to do today. Got myself out of bed by 5PM...cooked chicken porridge for dinner. Had sugar coated doughnut & Mango Passion from Starbucks as starter. Then, that's it.

I spent the rest of the hours until this very moment, searching, webbing, downloading about 林峯 (Lam Fung). All his MV, CD version songs, movies, interviews. So much of him on this year's Yuletide season.

Nothing extravagant about him, except thinking that he looks cute, dreamy and charming at certain angle. A committed actor turned singer. His voice proves that he's worth more than just acting. Yeah...I think he can sing. And there's pretty much effort in it. His singing skills is more mesmerizing than his acting, at times. Well, anyhow...this guy is not just the pretty face. God must have spent a little more time on him.

a day before Xmas 2010

Blasting "Last Christmas" with my HTC stereo now, humming along with....Last xmas I give u my heart. The very next day u give it away. This year to save me from tears, I'm giving to someone special~~~....

Well, no one stole my heart away for Xmas exactly. Maybe I am not a Xmas and New Year person. Inversely, I am a very Chinese person...loving Chinese Lunar New Year, Dong Jit, and Qing Ming. yeah, Qing Ming because I appreciate the re-union spirit of family members, gathering to clean ancestor's tombstone as a form of remembrance and respect.

It was Stellent Service Corp 2010v Xmas & 2011 New Year Party yesterday. Gifts were exchanged, and I won the Lucky Draw Vouchers too. It was nice, at least some time off for all the staffs. Darn, didn't get the IPhone 4 or PS3....

And today, went to work as usual..just a little more zombie. Bad menstrual cramps and slight mood swings. Office is undeniably quiet today as most were on leave. No fret, I clocked in...did some outstanding and ended my day at 7.30PM. Nice.

Even got enough time to read some e-book before shutting my pc off. Got a good peek into Ajahn Brahm's book titled Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?. Funny, hilarious but totally educational! And reading it, I made a summary by myself:

Perfection is, at its most original form. Happiness is believing in originality, and two bad "bricks" don't make a beautiful person less beautiful....

The wise enjoys their peace in the perfect imperfection of nature, not thinking, not planning, not feeling guilty. We all deserve to get away and have some peace; and others deserve the peace of us getting out of their way! - Ajanh Brahm -

HaHa! Have a blessed & peaceful Christmas. And be truly blessed with all wellness in the New Year ahead...

so much love & Metta from Yenny

Dunno what to do?? ask Google !!

At approx. 40 minutes or so, I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to do, and I panicked.

I man-handled a small tube of Super Glue in order to fix a pair of my favorite shoe. Well, the inner sole of my favorite pair came off a little, and I really liked this shoe. Not that I can't buy another one (I'd always do) but there are certain things money can't buy. Fondness. Comfy. Style. Just love it.

So, I genius-ly tried to glue the inner sole, when the disaster happened. That damn tube was ironically leaking, and those slimy glue got on my hands. As the name calls it, it's Super Glue, it sticks superbly, and dries super fucking fast!

I was like OMGosh....what am I gonna do? I tried to peel it away, it hurts me. My skin is peeling off when I tried too harshly. I washed it with soap...well, knew it won't help. Thinking I may get some glue removal, but hell I am not going out this late.

And a glimpse of some glittering object caught my attention -- my ASUS eePC...and INTERNET!!! Do you see the bright golden ring appearing on top of my NetBook now??

Googled -- How to get Super Glue off your skin.

TA-DA...! www.e-how.com !!


Instructions

1. Wash the glue off of your hands using hot water if the glue has not dried yet. Wet glue, of all types, should wash off relatively easily. Rub your hands together under the hot running water.
2. Rub your hands together to roll the glue into balls and get it off of your hands if the glue has already dried.
3. Peel the glue off in strips. Work your finger nail under the edge of the glue and gently lift and peel. Be careful not to peel your skin off with the glue.
4. Soak your hands in hot water for 5 minutes if the glue is being stubborn and is hard to remove.
5. Coat the area with Vaseline, after soaking, and let it sit for a few minutes before washing off the residue. This should remove the majority of the glue.
6. Wet the remains of the glue with nail polish remover that contains acetone. After saturating it with nail polish remover, try rubbing or peeling it off. Acetone does a good job of removing glue from skin, even stubborn glues such as Super Glue.

I am laughing hysterically now. At one moment, I was chickening out, didn't know what to do. And now, I feel like a super hero. Like a kid doing extremely well in handicrafts, waiting for daddy mommy encouraging kiss.

It makes me think of an occasion, when Chu was asking me what is that steel-like rack used to hang clothes. I said, portable wardrobe. Her eyes sparkled, and told me she will get herself one, cos her current wardrobe can't fit all her princess clothes. And I frowned and asked if she could manage to set it up all by herself. Of which, she replied "When you have Google, who needs a boyfriend?"

I am STILL laughing to myself now.....

What a great nite!

The Chronicles of Narnia : The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Much awaited movie of the year. An epic full blasted with magics, imaginations and boundless believes.



I have seen more adventures, and less of legendary magics in this so called last episode of Narnia. I really wished it wouldn't come to an end any sooner. But it seems so. Well, kids in the movie grow up, and they eventually need to find a way to end something. Just like that Harry Potter craze, heard that it's drawing the curtains soon. Or already drawn?

Well, I don't know how I came through this movie. I am very sure I didn't watch the first episode at the cinema. Maybe I just happened to stumble across a pirated disc laying lifelessly on the floor, and decided to play it and let it take my soul away.

The Chronicles of Narnia -- really a good one. Enjoyed the mesmerizing flow of magical fairy-tale, yet by the end of the day brings me back to reality. I hope life goes the same way too. I hope there's Land of Narnia, and I want to give a big thug (and HUG) to my favorite leo, Aslan. This is the most charming lion I've ever seen. And Aslan will rule my heart for many years more.

Well, hope to get the full collections of it once I get back. One day when my hair turns gray, sitting on a rocky chair...still hope to watch my favorite Chronicles again!





Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.

An extraordinary person, leads an extraordinary life..

I was nebulized !

Bad flu symptoms attacked me two days back, causing lots of sneezing, blocked nose, and steady rise in body temperature. The sneezing was totally not enjoyable. Hated it. I didn't visit the Doc, thinking it's still OK to have common flu thingy. I boosted on my Multi-Vit and full Vitamin C Concentrate to shoo the reddy nose away.

And things got bad to worse. I started coughing so so so badly last night, that I feel my chest tightens, lungs congested, and difficult to breath. I braved to work despite all those calls, and finally raised the white flag by 3PM. I rushed to the Doc, with short breath, chilling hands, shaky legs and watery eyes. Now, do I sound like a drug addict?

When I reached the Doc office, she was terrified. She immediately brought me to the bed section, laid me down the bed, and gave me a Nebulizer. So, I was nebulized. First time ever! Doctor said I had acute respiratory decease, and (she don't quite know why) my brain was just craving for oxygen when I can't breath properly. And I can't breath properly due to cough, and that damn flu. Hey, it's not too serious tho...

After that, the rest are history. I am back in one full piece at home, resting. Still coughing, but certainly not as bad. The Doc gave me the Nebulizer, and told me if I've got the same symptom again at anytime, rush to the nearest hospital. Which means...Makati Medical Center or GrepaLife. And bring the Nebulizer with me!

According to Doc, most hospitals in Makati are not adequately equipped with Nebulizers, and most patients need to wait in queue to use the general machine-operated one at Emergency Unit. For whatever reason, it is always better, and luckier to have a personal nebulizer, just in case.

Well, fine. Here it is, Yenny's Nebulizer:



If I show this to Mom, am sure to freak her out...! Hehehehehe...cheeky *blek*

Infotainment:
In medicine, a nebulizer[1] (spelled nebuliser in British English)[2] is a device used to administer medication in the form of a mist inhaled into the lungs. Nebulizers are commonly used for treatment of cystic fibrosis, asthma, COPD and other respiratory diseases. The common technical principal for all nebulizers is to either use oxygen, compressed air or ultrasonic power, as means to break up medical solutions/suspensions into small aerosol droplets, for direct inhalation from the mouthpiece of the device. The definition of an aerosol is a "mixture of gas and particle", and the best example of a natural occurring aerosol is "mist" (being formed when small vaporized water particles mixed with hot ambient air, are cooled down and condenses into a fine cloud of visible airborne water droplets). When using a nebulizer for inhalation therapy with medicine to be administered directly to the lungs, it is important to note that inhaled aerosol droplets can only penetrate into the narrow branches of the lower airways, if they have a small diameter of 1-5 micrometers.

Dr. Seuss' Horton hears a Who...!

"A person is a person, no matter how small"

It does not matter if Kangaroo says "when you can't see them, when you can't her them, it does not exist". It took an elephant's belief and perseverance to believe there are people living in a speck of dust. Horton did not see them, but he hears them. And that is all Horton need to know, and to gather enough courage in believing.





Same goes to some little dream I had yesterday or in the past. Or I may dream a little dream today, tomorrow, while I'm having meals or thinking about small little things. The dream can be so insignificant, so invisible.... but if I believe, nothing else ever matter anymore.

Rather than taking time to worry if a little dream can ever come true, I'd rather rejoice along the journey of dreaming, thinking, believing and take a little step each day, to fulfill it. Maybe by the end of the day, nothing much have materialized, but a part of me have own something so precious...called memory!

UP

Hardly get myself any DVDs or VCDs here in Makati. Even if I would, it would be those back alley pirated ones. Just couldn't drag the patience to finish a 90 minutes or so in front of my mini sized laptop.

However, a major home entertainment outlet is closing down one of it's shop at Greenbelt, and is selling loads of originals at much cheaper price. So, I was just casually browsing...browsing...and ended up bringing 2 pieces of Disney cartoons home with me -- Horton's hears a Who, and UP.

UP -- deeply touched, emotionally disturbed by this heart warming animation.




Plot's about Mr. Fredricksen flying his house to Paradise Falls using helium balloons. Mischievous and eager to earn a Assist The Elder little scout boy, Russel was dragged along to the adventure. At the land of South America, they made friends with big bird Kevin, and talking dog Dug.

" I know it sounds boring, but those are the ones I remember most..." says Russel, the little chubby boy.

This particular line strike me again, pulling me back to the origin of happiness. I have to agree more than I seemingly can to Russel's words. Sometimes, things that remain as most remembered events are not those breath taking ones. I can feel extremely angry or I can simply hate a person from head to toe. Or, I can even be so happy and crazy during a night out, that I decide to go all numb from laughing. But I doubt if I can really remember every moment of it, after a few years down the road.

Which are the ones I remember most?

I remember my childhood days at Taman Restu, small living flat with loads of talkative aunties from the neighboring lots. I remember the enthusiastic me waiting for the Porky Man (who sells pork, what else) to reach and once he shouts 'ju yok..!!!' I would rush down stairs and buy Mom's favorite lean meat. I remember Tony, the black brown mongrel, who I used to feed crackers every late evening.

There are also simple (and boring) stuffs I do everyday, every now and then; that matter most to me. I remember a very plain and routine relationship that I had. I remember going out in the wee hours, hand in hand; and all we got ourselves was just toothbrush from the petrol station kiosk. Irrelevant? but these are the ones I remember most. I remember how a tiring night after work was spent - biting buttocks, pillow fights and baby talks.

I also remember when a bunch of whacky girls loves to make BBQ at May's house when she was still staying at Bukit Angsana. Most of our celebrations, if not all, are BBQs party, and we didn't complain a single thing. We were all college going, and budget was our main subject. We could just grill all night long, laughing away. And it gathered most of us at the shortest time. These are the repetitive (and boring) ones, but I remember most. Now? It is more difficult to even talk to them, not to mention get together. They are earning thousands now, and they forgot BBQ. Now, they talk about international, oversea trips. What's home bound BBQ?

Nevertheless, it is just a composition of memories that I collect while age catches up. Everyone goes through these transitions at different stages of life. If not now, maybe later.

What I love about Russel is, he is one smart little boy. He knows how to remind some ol' chap (like ME) that money (lots of it) don't buy you good memories. It is those boring ones that lifts an upward curve on your lips....

11232002 - 11232010

No one have ever promised me that there will certainly be silver lining on those gloomy clouds. So, why should I even look forward to it? If patience is the key word, I think this is not the right key. If supportive is the right cup of tea, I am certainly a coffee lover. Nobody says in such situation, an apple thrown up into the air, will finally drop to the ground. Who is Newton anyway? Nobody knows Newton here. This is a Shakespeare world. Unlimited love and SACRIFICES. And what happens in the end? Either the main actor or the actress died. Only the audiences will feel so touched and shed some crocodile tears. After all the imagination and castles built in in the air, there would still without silver lining on gloomy clouds.

There is no such thing as mutual sacrifices towards a common path called eternity.

Don't be childish.

Branding spells cast

I am not a spendthrift. I am not a shopaholic. I am not uncontrollable. Confession ends. Amen.

Today, I made a story and told it to a very important person in my life. The story goes:

I bet you knew that all Casinos around the world are "protected" by some powerful Feng Shui, a notation to it's business success all year round. Irregardless if the Casino is indeed operated by a foreigner a.k.a kwai lo...I am more than just sure that there is some kind of positioning in the premise. But hush hush...apart from feng shui, there are unseen paranormal beings hallowing in Casinos too. Yeah, we chinese call it "guai jai" or little ghost of lost souls...wandering at the premise. Be honest, if you are in a Casino - you'll either lost the sense of time, and/or you don't feel like leaving already while you are either winning or losing monies. It's either you don't play at all in the casino, or you will be dreaded to leave your heavy ass. Right?

I am now telling you the essence of my story. It's a fact. Be ready.

Apparently, all branded boutiques applied casino's wonderful tactic too. Head's definitely not nodding if you are about to say "feng shui...?" No, it's not feng shui. Branded boutiques like LV, Coach, Burberry, Zara, MNG, Guess, DKNY....listless, they don't need feng shui at all! It's the latter -- guai jais....with "s" because not only one. Well, the guai jais work in a different SOP as compared to those at the casinos. The guai jai will be speaking, or literally whispering to your ear and say "buy this tote...buy this bag...buy this boots..I know you don't need it, but hell who cares? you NEED this because it will make you feel better~~~" and so it goes. Your hands trembling, grasping the air as if you can't breath. Headed straight to the counter and pull your plastic card out. Once the cashier hand the shopping bag to you, it was all relief, and you really do feel better about yourself. But little did you know, the guai jai actually stayed in the shopping bag, and followed you home. Because after a month or so...guai jai will make you start hearing things again. The voice says " Go...go shopping again. You need NEW things. You don't want those old things to stuff your wardrobe, don't you...? There's new season offer out there~~~ go...go....."

And after that, I rest my case.

Re-generating Metta

I have wasted too much time feeling lost, deliberating unforeseen outcomes, worrying worthless agendas and carrying too much burden. Things that I have been too conscious about previously meant nothing serious to people I have cared for. I wasn't any big deal if I were to say things I have in mind earlier...rather than always waiting for the right time.

There is no right time, and there will never be the right time.

"Choose : Saying something you meant to say now and regret it later; or regret it later for not saying it now?" -- Phanida Suwanarat

I was so moved by Selina's courage and optimism in living through her 3rd degree burn. I remembered how I complained for having a pimple on my face, and that freaking sound I squeaked when I was recuperating from my less-than-3 inches cysts removing surgery. Well, maybe Selina threw her tantrums too but I believe it is never any easier than any pimples or laser cut.

Should any circumstances may befall me unknown, I am wondering now why should I waste so much time contemplating things I shouldn't even fret about. If living my this very life can be free as a bird, sealed from externalizations and demotivating opinions -- I would have saved more of those ticking seconds & minutes to say, to be, to do and to react upon real people who matters to me most.

I know you love me, and you know I love all of you. If you can feel what I say, you've got a piece of love cookie from me from this moment. Keep it with you, and redeem it with more of my time and precious events spent with you...

Metta.

p/s: metta to Selina Ren too. You may not know me, but you know the universal language call love. Metta and speed recovery, Selina.

I am so lost !

I am bored. I am so bored that I am forcing myself to write something about feeling bored. Urrgghh..

I have lost a fair amount of interest at work. There are whole tons of doubts playing in my mind tonight. I've thought about the imbalance distribution of recognition and remuneration at work. I've analyzed why some dumb people can be seated highly and still not-so-smartly commands people to work. I've asked myself if I need a break from this corporate affair, and make really deep thinking what I want to do next. I've even questioned myself what I want to be in 5 years....10 years time from now. It crossed my mind if I should take up some professional courses to recharge myself.

But yet, what's so mega about being in the working field for 10 years? Dad has been working his quarter life away, yet he never complained about directionless. Dad had courageously face each (boring and tedious) working days with much enthusiasm, because Dad knows the pay check will feed his family with good health and happiness. Dad's got responsibilities to bear, and yet he never complained. So what am I now? A naggy grandma?

I keep on convincing myself that things will be better when I'm home. I mean, I may be experiencing all these hormonal messiness because I do not have my responsibility (parents) with me. That's why I am swayed once in awhile.

But coming to think of it, it shivers me with the fact if I'm finally home and JOBLESS -- what kind of shit I am putting myself into? So I will begin to worry to death, and just grab any job opportunity that I can get. Simply get a job....I need money to survive. So which is which then? Do I need a job because of money, or do I need time to think about a job?

And easily anticipated, I will end up feeling and thinking as exactly the way I am now. I will be worrying, start complaining, and doubt if I am directionless. I will begin to ask questions like a mad cow. And once more, I will be sitting (at somewhere) blogging, saying : I AM SO LOST!

once bitten....run!

hey you better put more clothes on. You've got a bareback, bra strap is seen and I can even see through that lining you have in there!

Wow, lining! Okay, I wasn't exaggerating at all. Now don't you ask me why I was so "amazed" by that remarks you made that day. You think it was normal, I think it was hilarious! It was breath-taking! It was disgusting.

1. Her sexiness may and may not have anything to do with you. You may choose to visualize, but making verbal connection is putting yourself in a situation which suggests the latter. You do have almost anything to do with her.

2. Making a lame remark, and then transferring the anger (for making a lame remark) on me is never gonna cover you up. In fact, it made the situation go filthy. Very very pathetic too.

3. There's no point of thinking if giving any excuses can make the whole damn thing turn around. What have been said, have been said. Be a gentleman and admit that it slipped your tongue.

Yeah, I am feeling absolutely NOT OK because it feels like an almost-dejavu. I don't want to be placed in a situation I was at before. Not any single chance. It was not easy, and if you cannot be a hero, don't expect me to become one too.

Yeah, a past is a past. I forgive but I couldn't forget. And I don't think any normal human will be able to forget THAT incident. It's just like the art of tattoo. Once you got it in, it's forever there. Laser remove it, but scars remains.

Yeah, I think I have been bitten once , and supposedly I'll be twice shy. But anyone knows me will predict correctly -- I'll run! Being shy is asking too much from me.

So, I have blurted it all out. Here. urrghhhh...should do it at Facebook or somewhere damn visible, but hell...statement too long. Since I won't have the courage to tell you straight to the face, I hope this helps. My therapeutic e-confession.

To, Mr. Muuk.

the power of faith~

At times of adversity, at that thinnest moment of survival, at that cross road of mere success or failure. No one ever tell you that bad moments will last. People you see everyday cannot promise a bed full with roses at every single tick of the clock too. Since in real practicality no one can tell you anything that's virtually confirmed, why care to find external assistance?

The real jig lies in yourself. Faith. The power of believing.

I have at any slightest opportunity, make myself covered with a full blanket of optimism. I do buy the thoughts that good aura makes an ugly encounter seems alright. If I were slapped by something so cruel to hear, I'd try to convince myself "maybe it's not so disgusting if I see it with my own eyes; rather than hearing it". If the visual ability is not cooperating with my cognitive gifts, I rest my case.

Well, I hate to hate when I know it is hatred that's hating me. And I believe the ultimatum of beliefs lies in the believer. If human are build to hate, then let's all rejoice to God's creation of great positive-driven mindset which works like the antibiotics.

Once in awhile, it is time to sit down, pop a pill or two...and tell yourself -- The medicine will work well...because very soon, all the hatred that's agonizing my body & soul will disappear with the power of faith~

But humans! Don't abuse the power of faith. Don't be a betrayer to the light of faith. Don't hurt the people who once believe in you, because once the faith is gone, there is nothing left. You don't always get a chance to resurrect faith.