I am screaming within

There are really too many things that a smart women shouldn't know. Adversely, a stupid women often looks more demure, adorable and wanted. Because they are just plain, if not stupid. C'mon sisters, this is not an attack note. This is just a single stone dropped into a still pond, muddles are formed. I am caught in the muddle.

Sometimes, I write to remind myself of things. Sometimes, I write to forget things. Irregardless, these are just some very personal outputs. Pardon me.

I often have no idea what's a perfect relationship all about. I am naively vague because I have never believed in perfections, I believe only the right thing to do (or to know, in this context). I don't know what bygones are bygones, because the perfect scenarios are now, here and it is. I believe in reincarnation, but I beieve more in karma. There must be a reason for every decisions made, and the effects are only raised thereafter. It startled me, I might be wrong. So so fucking wrong. I am never this sure that I am wrong, but things get worse when I am 'fucking' wrong. I am screaming within. Can you hear me?

I was just asked to raise my pen about honesty and trust in a recent forum. Being akwardly smart (as I am perceived) I have brushed that forum with flying colors. I am very proud when the crookies 'liked' my column, and I have a gang of unwittingly smart seniors supporting me as always. They are my virtual victory. That is when I feel total transparency. I don't utter, I don't pause, I don't have second thaughts when I write. But only when I write. WHY I can't be this when I speak. If only I can. If only I want?

I don't want to talk about my past because I don't want to appear smart (or stupid) irregardless. If all of us are here for some karmic reason in our past lives, don't you think there are too many past chapters to reveal, afterall? When will all these epic gonna come to a close?

But I am screaming within, because I am burdened by your past into my future. I am questioning every logic of how could this be this way. As it is now? Can I just live in now, and march forward to whatever fucking future it may take ahead? Why let me have a grasp of something I was not (and never be) in a picture in the past? I am very exhausted by your past, even suffocating. Stop feeding me your past, please. This makes a difference between a smart women and a stupid women. A smart women don't need to know your past. Because once she does, she feels outright like a fucking dumb blonde. Flat stupid. And you know how painful it is for a smart women to know she is indeed stupid afterall? Worse, I tell you. Worse than a stupid women suddenly finds that she is indeed kinda smart in certain ways. Voila!

I feel like a substitute, or even worse. You know, those substitute in a soccer game that is never called upon by that bald manager? Yeah, something like that.
I feel like a toy, or even worse. You know, those toy that are back handed at home, where no one really wanna drop by and give a sincere hug. Yeah, something like that.
I feel like a fool, or even worse. You know, those fool that thinks only the beautiful things, but in fact everyone knows how unworthy and second class you are. Yeah, something like that.
I feel like a dreamer, or even worse. I am always dreaming about such positive dreams, that goodness begets goodness. No, things can be somewhat ugly, but I didn't see it that way. I should learn to be today.

I so wished that I am forever living in the virtual world. My world of lotsa lotsa lotsa writings. A place where I can be truthful, and say what I mean, and be mean with whatever I say. That is like nirvana.

I wish more for a world where fairness prevails. Where good intentions will blossomed in good reactions. Only good karma creates more good karma. A place where I am loved for, and truly loved for. So truly that it is a good karmic effect. So as when I leave, I'd leave with nothing but just love. Pure love, Pure intentions.

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