Manjushri ... is home !

I went to sifu's place to bring my Manjushri home. My Manjushri? Home?

I brought this Manjushri many years ago at mid valley. I couldn't tell why I have extraordinary liking, fondness, respect ... I don't know how to describe in words. I just feel very close to her. Well, there's no him or her, but i prefer to address as 'she' because Manjushri is forever gentle in transcending wisdom. Forever loving.

Just out of wit, I told mom not to keep Manjushri inside the display cabinet anymore. I want to place her at the altar. I want to see her everyday.

And so, mom sent her to sifu's place for chanting and blessings. I tried to be on vegetarian and washed my face with pure milk every morning. Part and parcel of some ritual. Honestly, I was quite rebellious and complained of those fussy rituals at first. I thought all that will distance me from believing because I disapprove fussy rituals.

Tonight, is the night. I had to wear all white, washed my hands with milk before I go to take her. But miracle happened. Despite all the complains I had in my heart earlier over the rituals, I was suddenly lost of words. My heart was racing, I sweat hot and cold, I was nervous.

And the moment I placed her on the altar, I really felt like I knew her. Not for years but centuries. I feel that I must have known her, we must be very close like best friends. I have so much to tell her but my heart was heavy. I didn't know where to start telling. That's why I say I got a feeling like knowing her. It feels like reunion. After very very very long.

I feel that Manjushri is 'home' with me. Gosh, it is so unbelievable and I can continue saying all these feelings the whole night. I feel very very blessed. Very very touched. Truly mesmerizing

Whatever this fate brings, thank you, Manjushri.

Om Ah Ra Pa Tsa Na Dhi

live like dream, dream like life!

It was counting into 11th night of insomnia yesterday. Those sleepless torture elevated on the 4th or 5th day, when I was prescribed with my very first official 0.25mg sleeping pills. I took three consecutively over the weekend, but the disorder relapsed last Monday night. Second round, I was given 7.5mg pills for five nights. I was dumbfounded. I was scared.

All my waking hours felt like a dream.

No one knows how it feels like waking from a sleep induced by drugs. Feels like rather not sleep at all. It was torturing, not to your skin or bones. But poking through your soul, consciousness and alertness.

I had a dream last night. A dream so real like life itself.

I was defeated in a battle, finally. My silent death. How? There was a man in my dream, tall in his shining armour. His body was so bright I couldn't see his face. I was a tiny soldier, gasping for air. I hold on to his foot begging for relief. But he just stood there, ignoring me. I could feel it so real in my dream. My plea was ignored. The pain got more immense, I bled to death. No voices heard around me. It was only silence.

Silence is the absence of noice. Darkness is the absence of light.

I woke up, in total silence, there was no light. At least I could hear my heartbeat. I woke up from a real life, and I will continue to live like I was dreaming.

Good night.

Me & You and a dog named Boo

I remember to this day
The bright red Georgia clay
And how it stuck to the tires
After the summer rain

Will power made that old car go
A woman's mind told me that so
Oh how I wish
We were back on the road again
Me and you and a dog named boo

Travellin' and livin' off the land
Me and you and a dog named boo
How I love being a free man

I can still recall
The wheat fields of St. Paul
And the morning we got caught
Robbing from an old hen

Old McDonald he made us work
But then he paid us for what it was worth
Another tank of gas
And back on the road again

I'll never forget the day
We motored stately into big L.A.
The lights of the city put settlin'
Down in my brain

Though it's only been a month or so
That old car's buggin' us to go
We've gotta get away and get back on
The road again